324

C'mon Down

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· Two Aussie builders (Steve-o and Dave-o)
are seated either side of a table in a rough pub
when a well-dressed man enters,
orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar.
The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit.
Steve-o: I reckon he's an accountant.
Dave-o: No way - he's a stockbroker.
Steve-o: He ain't no stockbroker!
A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!
The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer
gets the better of Steve-o and he makes for the toilet.
On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal.
Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder.
Steve-o: 'Scuse me.. No offence meant, but me and me mate
were wondering what you do for a living?
Suit: No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession.
Steve-o: Oh! What's that then?
Suit: I'll try to explain by example...
Do you have a goldfish at home?
Steve-o: Er... Mmm . Well yeah, I do as it happens!
Suit: Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond.
Which is it?
Steve-o: It's in a pond!
Suit: Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden
Steve-o: As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!
Suit: Well then it's logical to assume that in this town
if you have a large garden then you have a large house?
Steve-o: As it happens I've got a five-bedroom house...built it myself!
Suit: Well given that you've built a five-bedroom house
it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself
and that you are quite probably married?
Steve-o: Yes I am married; I live with my wife and three children.
Suit: Well then it is logical to assume that you are
sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?
Steve-o: Yep! Four nights a week!
Suit: Well then it is logical to suggest
that you do not masturbate very often?
Steve-o: Me? Never.
Suit: Well there you are! That's logical science at work!
Steve-o: How's that then?
Suit: Well from finding out that you had a goldfish,
I've told you about your sex life!
Steve-o: I see! That's pretty impressive...thanks mate!
Both leave the toilet and Steve-o returns to his mate.
Dave-o: I see the suit was in there.
Did you ask him what he does?
Steve-o: Yep! He's a logical scientist!
Dave-o: What's that then?
Steve-o: I'll try and explain.
Do you have a goldfish?
Dave-o: Nope.
Steve-o: Well then, you're a wanker.

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If you scroll to the bottom of this post
you will see a picture of me in the shower!!!!!!

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-
Those Funny Animals

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Mum to the rescue

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It was a typical night at the old watering hole.

Jim walked in, took his seat at the bar

and ordered a tall one

.Then Jim told his buddy, Bill

, "I called the local insane asylum yesterday

to check on who has escaped from there recently."

Confused by his buddy's comment, Bill asked

, "Oh? Why were you wondering about that?"

Jim explained,

"Well, somebody married my ex-wife last week."

--------------------------

Dolly and Rick

---------------------------------

Marty and Merle

-

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Two crabs were sunbathing on the beach.

The girl crab suggested that the boy crab

go get them an ice cream cone.
Having purchased two cones,

Mr Crab made his way back to the beach,

deciding on the way to eat his ice cream.

By the time he had finished the ice cream,

he realized that his girlfriend's had started to melt all down his claw,

so he licked it up and ended up eating it too.
When he arrived back at the beach Ms Crab exclaimed

"Where's my ice cream cone?
"Well", he said. "I decided to eat mine,

then yours melted so I ate that too."
She was really mad and yelled

"You shellfish bastard!!"
------------------

Once upon a time,

a beautiful young antelope had a date in the forest

, so she was getting all gussied up­-

new dress, makeup, everything.
Suddenly, as she was just about ready,

she was stampeded by a herd of wildebeests,

becoming the world's first self-dressed, stamped antelope.


---------------------------------

---------------------------------------

Only Fools and Horses



------------------------------------


WOMEN

"I can't believe that you and Claire are splitting up,"

said John to his friend Pete.

"I've always thought of you as the perfect couple,

that you'd be together forever.

Surely you can sort things out, it can't be that bad, can it?"

"Well" explained Pete,

"We were driving through a red light district last night when Claire said:

"Oh look, it's one of those hookers, or prossies

, or whores or whatever you call them."

And I said:

'It's Kelly. Her name is Kelly.'"

John fell silent for a moment, and then said:

"So who do you think will get to keep the house?"
----------------------------------------

A policeman stops two drunks and asks one,

'Where do you live?'

''Nowhere,' the first drunk slurs

'And where do you live?' he asks the other.

'We're neighbours.'

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Blast from the Past
[from 1958]



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CANNIBALS

---------------------------

-------------------

Betcha David Beckenham can't do this??

-----------------------------

Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago.

Her daughter was constantly calling her

and urging her to get back into the world

. Finally, Anna said she'd go out,

but didn't know anyone.

Her daughter immediately replied,

"Mom! I have someone for you to meet."

Well, Anna and Nathan were an immediate hit.

They took to one another, and after dating for six weeks

he asked her to join him for a weekend in Geraldton.

Their first night there, she undressed as he did.

There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties

; he was in his birthday suit.

Looking her over, he asked,

"Why the black panties?"

She replied: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore,

but down there I am still in mourning."

Nathan knew he was not getting lucky that night.

The following night was the same--

Anna stood there wearing the black panties,

and Nathan was in his birthday suit-

-but now he was wearing a black condom.

She looked at him and asked:

"What's with the black condom?"

He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences."

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Me in the Shower

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PHILS PHILOSOPHY

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