399

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Standing in line at the clothing store's counter,

I watched as the woman ahead of me handed the clerk her credit card.

The customer waited for a long time while the saleswoman

went to verify the account.

When she finally returned, the clerk said,

"I'm sorry, but this card is in your husband's name,

and we can't accept it because the records show he is deceased."

With that, the woman turned to her spouse,

who was standing next to her and asked,

"Does this mean I don't have to fix lunch for you today?"

thanks Toni

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thanks Brett Mc


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A great jigsaw puzzle to do............
Drag the pieces by holding down the left mouse button.

The pieces will lock together when in the correct position.

ENJOY !!!

http://www.jigidi.com/solve.php?id=VTNCHLS9


thanks Kitty L


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Those funny Animals

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thanks Kitty L



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thanks Liz Z

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RETIREMENT

One day, while going to the store,

I passed by a nursing home

.On the front lawn were six old ladies lying naked on the grass.

I thought this was a bit unusual,

but continued on my way to the store.
On my return trip,

I passed the same nursing home with the same six old ladies lying naked on the lawn.

This time my curiosity got the best of me,

so I went inside to talk to the Nursing Home Administrator.
'Do you know there are six ladies lying naked on your Front lawn?'
'Yes,' she said----

'They're retired prostitutes and they're having a yard sale.


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SOMETHING AUSSIE

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SENIORS


$5.37!

That's what the kid behind the counter at Tim Horton's said to me.

I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes

and something that used to be a Lifesaver.

Having already handed the kid a five-spot,

I started to head back out to the truck to grab some change

when the kid with the Elmo hairdo said the worst thing anyone has ever said to me.
He said, "It's OK. I'll just give you the "65 plus" discount."

I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change

hitting the counter in front of me."

Only $4.68" he said cheerfully.
I stood there stupefied. Senior Citizen??

I am 59, not even 60 yet!

A mere child!

My hair may be white and there's less than there used to be,

but a Senior citizen??

Give me a break.
I took my food and walked out to the truck

wondering what was wrong with Elmo.

Was he blind?

As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil.

Old? Me?

I'll show him, I thought.

I opened the door and headed back inside.

I strode to the counter,

and there he was waiting with a smile.
Before I could say a word,

he held up something and jingled it in front of me,

like I could be that easily distracted!

What am I now? A toddler?
"Dude! Can't get too far without your car keys, eh?"

I stared with utter disdain at the keys.

I began to rationalize in my mind.
"Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly!

It could happen to anyone!"
I turned and headed back to the truck.

I slipped the key into the ignition, but it wouldn't turn.

What now? I checked my keys and tried another.

Still nothing.

That's when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror.

I had no purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror.
Then, a few other objects came into focus.

The car seat in the back seat.

Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard.

A partially eaten doughnut on the dashboard.
Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba,

I flew out of the alien vehicle.

Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot,

relieved to finally be leaving this nightmarish stop in my life.

That is when I felt it, deep in the bowels of my stomach: hunger!

My stomach growled and churned, and I reached to grab my coffee,

only it was nowhere to be found.
I swung the truck around, gathered my courage,

and strode back into the restaurant one final time.

There Elmo stood, draped in youth and black nail polish.

All I could think was,

"What is the world coming to?"
All I could say was, "Did I leave my food and drink in here"?

At this point I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle,

and then go straight home and apply for Social Assistance benefits.
Elmo had no clue.

I walked back out to the truck,

and suddenly a young lad came up and tugged

on my jeans to get my attention.

He was holding up a drink and a bag.

His mother explained,

"I think you left this in my truck by mistake."
I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized.

She offered these kind words:

"It's OK. My grandfather does stuff like this all the time."
All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40.

Yes, I was racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius.

And no, I told the officer, I'm not too old to be driving this fast.
As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall.

I handed her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket.

I promptly sat in my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blankey.

The good news was I had successfully found my way home.
Pass this on to the other old fogies on your list.

Notice the larger type?

That's for those of us who have trouble reading.

P.S. Save the earth...... It's the only planet with chocolate!!!!!

thanks Don H

Written by a third grader, on what his grandparents do.

After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school.

One child wrote the following:

We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa.

They used to live in a big brick house,

but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Arizona.

Now they live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass.

They ride around on their bicycles, and wear name tags,

because they don't know who they are anymore.

They go to a building called a wreck center,

but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now,

they do exercises there, but they don't do them very well.

There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with hats on.

At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it.

He watches all day so nobody can escape.

Sometimes they sneak out, and go cruising in their golf carts.

Nobody there cooks, they just eat out.

And they eat the same thing every night - early birds.

Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house.

The one?s who do get out,

bring food back to the wrecked center for pot luck.

My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment

and, says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too.

When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house.

Then I will let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren.

PRICELESS

Forward to all your "retarded grandparent" friends. Or just your "retarded" friends.

thanks Don H

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Blast from the Past




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Put a bit of Spark into your relationship

thanks Liz Z




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MORE FAILS





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An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a German, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek and an African went to a night club.

The bouncer said “I’m sorry, I can’t let you in without a Thai” !!!!!!!!


thanks Gordon H


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Tim Hawkins

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The Wheel

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A family was on its way to the hospital where their sixteen-year-old daughter

was scheduled to undergo a tonsillectomy.

During the ride there,

the teenager and her parents talked about how the procedure would be performed. Anaesthetics, incision, suturing afterwards, and so forth.

"Dad," the teenager asked,

"how are they going to keep my mouth open during the surgery?"

Without hesitation, the man replied,

"They'll just give you a cellphone to hold."

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thanks Gordon H

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Bonus

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This will help explain what Liquefaction is,

and how it occurred during the earthquakes in Christchurch , New Zealand.

Digging out the sand that was brought to the surface

and deposited via Liquefaction and wheel-barrowing it out to the roadside.

Watch how the sand, under vibration, turns into a liquid state.

This is what happened in the earthquakes of Sept 4th

and Feb 22nd in Christchurch New Zealand

and results in instability under buildings

and causes them to move or, ultimately, collapse.

stolen from Bits and Pieces
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thanks Kitty L


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An absent-minded husband thought he had conquered his problem

of trying to remember his wife's birthday and their anniversary.

He opened an account with a florist,

provided that florist with the dates and instructions

to send flowers to his wife on these dates along with an appropriate note signed,

"Your loving husband."
His wife was thrilled by this new display of attention

and all went well until next year, on their anniversary,

when he came home, kissed his wife and said off-handedly,

"Nice flowers, honey. Where'd you get them?"


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thanks Kitty L

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"PHILS PHILOSOPHY"

Some Floyd Kramer for you to enjoy

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Disclaimer

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are understood to be in the public domain.
If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,
please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.