405

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Boating Fails

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TSA

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Meanwhile in Australia

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A doctor from Israel says:
"In Israel the medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's testicles;

we put them into another man,

and in 6 weeks he is looking for work."
The German doctor comments:

"That's nothing, in Germany we take part of the brain out of a person;

we put it into another person's head,

and in 4 weeks he is looking for work."
A Russian doctor says:

"That's nothing either.

In Russia we take out half of the heart from a person;

we put it into another person's chest,

and in 2 weeks he is looking for work."
The Australian doctor answers immediately:

"That's nothing fellas, you’re way behind us....in OZ, ..

.We grabbed a female spinster atheist,

size 34-40-54, with balls, a wooden heart, speaks like a mortician,

bobs her head like a chook, waves her hands like a ventriloquist,

spends money like its going out of fashion.....and....

we made her Prime Minster of Australia and very soon

.....the whole bloody country will be looking for work!!!!!!"

sent to me by my brother Danny

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An elderly Scottish Jew has decided to take it a little easier and take up golf.
So he puts his name down at the local club.
After a week he receives a message that his application has been turned down.
So he goes down to the club to enquire why.
Secretary: You are aware that this is a Scottish golf club?
Scot: Aye but I am as Scottish as you are Jock.
Secretary: This means that on formal occasions we wear kilts.
Scot: Aye, so do I.
Secretary: You are aware that we wear nothing under our kilts?
Scot: Aye, neither do I.
Secretary: But you are a Jew?
Scot: Aye, I be that.
Secretary: So you are circumcised?
Scot: Aye, I be that too.
Secretary: I am terribly sorry,

but the members just would not feel comfortable with that.
Scot: Ach, away with ya man.
I know that you have to be a Protestant to march with the Orangemen.
And I know that you have to be a Catholic to become a Knight of Saint Columbus.
But this is the first time I heard, that you have to be a complete prick to join a golf club.

thanks Gordon H

thanks Gordon H
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Those Funny Animals

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Aging Aunt Mildred was a 93-year-old woman

who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband.

She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.
Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly,

she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart,

since it was badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone,

she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly

where the heart would be on a woman.

The doctor said,'Your heart would be just below your left breast'.
Later that night........

Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

thanks Pommie Jayne



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thanks Toni



A local lawyer was sitting in his office the other morning

when in walked a beautiful blonde woman.

Without any preliminaries, she declared that she wanted a divorce

."On what grounds?" asked the lawyer

."I don't think he is faithful to me," she replied."

And what makes you think he isn't faithful?" asked the lawyer

."Well,for one thing," replied the young lady,

"I don't think he's the father of my child."

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The best lawyer story of all time.

The United Way realized that it had never received a donation

from the city's most successful lawyer.

So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.

The volunteer opened the meeting by saying,

"Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars,

you don't give a penny to charity.

Wouldn't you like to give something back to your

community through the United Way?"

The lawyer thinks for a minute and says,

"First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying

after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills

that are far beyond her ability to pay?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, "Uh . . . no, I didn't know that."

"Secondly," says the lawyer, "did it show that my brother,

a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair

and is unable to support his wife and six children?"

The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again

."Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband

died in dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage

and three children, one of whom is disabled

and another who has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says,

"I'm so sorry, I had no idea."

And the lawyer says,
"So .. . . if I didn't give any money to them,

what makes you think I'd give any to you?"



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For Kitty L

thanks Toni

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Canadian Fail

thanks Toni


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KIDS

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For my good friend Hugh in Oregon USA





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It doesn't matter what party you belong to-this is hilarious.

From a show on Canadian TV,

there was a black comedian who said he misses Bill Clinton.

"Yep, that's right-I miss Bill Clinton!

He was the closest thing we ever got to having a real black man as President.

Number 1 - He played the sax.

Number 2 - He smoked weed.

Number 3 - He had his way with ugly white women.

Even now? Look at him...his wife works, and he doesn't!

And, he gets a check from the government every month.

Manufacturers announced today that they will be stocking

America 's shelves this week with " Clinton Soup,"

in honor of one of the nations' distinguished men.

It consists primarily of a weenie in hot water.

Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill Clinton.

The Dodge Drafter will be built in Canada

When asked what he thought about foreign affairs, Clinton replied,

"I don't know, I never had one."

The Clinton revised judicial oath:

"I solemnly swear to tell the truth as I know it, the whole truth as I believe it to be,

and nothing but what I think you need to know."

Clinton will be recorded in history as the only President

to do Hanky Panky between the Bushes."

... ya gotta love it!


thanks Kitty L



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Two Texans were out on the range talking about their favorite sex positions.

One said, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best."

"I don't think I have ever heard of that one," said the other cowboy.

"What is it?"

"Well, it's where you get your wife down on all fours

and you mount her from behind.

Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands

and whisper in her ear, 'Boy, these feel just like your sister's.'

Then you try and stay on for 8 seconds."

thanks Kitty L

Never marry an Italian Woman




thanks Kitty L
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Cowboys and Indians

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thanks Kitty L







thanks Toni



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thanks Hank and Marg



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only in Australia




thanks Kitty L



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thanks Liz Z


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PHILS PHIOSOPHY

Enjoy this

Shot at Kirkenes National Park near Russia

70 degrees north

30 degrees east

Temperature -25 celsius

The Aurora from Terje Sorgjerd on Vimeo.

Disclaimer

All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site
are understood to be in the public domain.
If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,
please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.




thanks to Liz Z and Wayne W for these video's