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Two couples went out golfing together.

 The men hit first from the men's tee and walked with the ladies to their tee box

. The first lady took a mighty swing at the ball, missing it completely,

 while passing some gas rather loudly in the process. No one commented.

She addressed the ball again

 but this time she passed just little gas as she made contact with the ball,

 topping it and moving it only a short distance.

She said, "I wonder why it didn't go any further?"

One of the men said, "I don't think you gave it enough gas."

thanks Toni

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Those funny animals

uh oh!!

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thanks Doug and Margaret F

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thanks Kitty L

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thanks Gordon H

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Sister Catherine and Sister Elizabeth, are traveling through Europe in their car.

They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light.

 Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car

and hisses through the windshield.

"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Catherine. "What shall we do?"

"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Elizabeth.

Sister Catherine switches them on, knocking Dracula about,

 but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"What shall I do now?" she shouts.

"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican ,"

says Sister Elizabeth.

Sister Catherine turns on the windshield washer.

 Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"Now what?" shouts Sister Catherine.

"Show him your cross," says Sister Elizabeth.

"Now you're talking," says Sister Catherine.

She opens the window and shouts,

"Bugger Off!"

thanks Josie J

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thanks Duke

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thanks Pommie Jayne

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A golfer who was well into his golden years had a lifelong ambition

to play one hole at Pebble Beach, California, the way the pros do it.

 The pros drive the ball out over the water onto the green

 that is on a spit of land that juts out off the coast.

It was something he had tried hundreds of times without success.

His ball always fell short, into the water.

 Because of this he never used a new ball on this particular hole.

 He always picked out one that had a cut or a nick.

One year he went out to Pebble Beach to try again.

 When he came to the fateful hole,

 he teed up an old cut ball and said a silent prayer.

Before he hit it, however, a powerful voice from above said:

 WAIT ... REPLACE THAT OLD BALL WITH A BRAND-NEW BALL.

 He complied, with some slight misgiving,

despite the fact that the Lord seemed to be implying that

He was going to let him finally achieve his lifelong ambition.

As he stepped up to the tee once more, the voice came down again:

WAIT .. STEP BACK ... TAKE A PRACTICE SWING

. So he stepped back and took a practice swing.

 The voice boomed out again:

TAKE ANOTHER PRACTICE SWING. He did.

Silence followed.

Then the voice spoke out again:

 PUT THE OLD BALL BACK.

thanks Toni

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Drugs and Driving

thanks Liz Z

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Twitter and Twits

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That red head

On a recent trip to the United States , Julia Gillard, Prime Minister of Australia,

 addressed a major gathering of Red Indians.

She spoke for almost an hour on her plans for Carbon Trading Tax for Australia ..

At the conclusion of her speech, the crowd presented her with a plaque

 inscribed with her new Indian name - Walking Eagle.

A very chuffed Ms Gillard then departed in her motorcade, waving to the crowds.

A news reporter later asked one of the Indians how they came to select the new name given to Ms Gillard.

They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of shit that it can no longer fly.

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I haven't posted any Roy Orbison music for awhile

For all the Big O fans



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An 80 year old man goes for a physical .

 All of his tests come back

with normal results.

The doctor says, "George, everything looks great .

 How are you doing

mentally and emotionally?

Are you at peace with God?"

George replies, "God and I are tight.

 He knows I have poor eyesight,

so He's fixed it so when

I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof!

The light goes on. When I'm done,

poof! The light goes off."

"Wow, that's incredible," the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls George's wife.

"Ethel," he says, "George is doing fine!

But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God.

Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof! the light goes

on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof! the light goes off?"

"Oh sweet Jesus" exclaims Ethel.

 "He's pissin' in the refrigerator again.

thanks Liz Z

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Anklebiters

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thanks Pommy Jayne

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PHILS PHILOSOPHY

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Western Australia

Sunset on Cable Beach at Broome

Disclaimer



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