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thanks Kitty L

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thanks Toni

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A man sitting in a movie theater notices that there

is a big ole grizzly bear sitting next to him. Finally he

turns to the bear and says,

"Pardon me for asking, but aren't you a bear?"

The bear nods; then the man says,

"So... tell me, what are you doing at the movies?"

The bear replies. . .

"Well, I liked the book."

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Those Funny Animals

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Mis-heard Lyrics

thanks Kitty L

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thanks Liz Z

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An eighteen-year-old Italian girl tells her mom

that she has missed her period for the past two months.

 Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit.

The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

 Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says,

 "Who was the pig that did this to you? I wann-a to know!"

 The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house.

 A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed

 in an Armani suit steps out and enters the house.

 He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them:

 "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem.

 I can't marry her because of my personal family situation,

 but I will take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of my life.

"Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, two retail stores,

 a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account.

"If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account.

 If twin boys, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.

"However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, holding a shotgun,

 places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder.

The father says, "You gonna try again. Right?"

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There was a rancher who bred livestock. He had been doing so the past thirty years --

 and wasn't about to change his modus operandi.

 He did, however, come up with an odd habit.

 He asked the local Presyberian minister to come to the ranch

 and "marry" cattle he intended to breed.

The church's old minister had decided to retire,

 and the new preacher came out.

He told the rancher, "I've never heard of such a dumb act in my life."

Our friendly rancher said, "All I ask you to do is to pronounce vows

 in front of the two before they breed.

Kinda like a woman is supposed to remain a virgin til after she marries."

The pastor determined mentally,

 'Well, it is just an idiosyncrasy --

 what harm can there be in performing the ritual?'

He asked the rancher to write down the ceremony as he wanted it read.

 He did so. Little did the cleric expect the last line to be like it was.

It started as your usual marriage ceremony.

 But when he got to the last line, the reverend got a grin on his face.

He said to the cow and the bull,

 "I now pronounce you husband and wife, for heifer and heifer, Amen!"

-- Ross Bowen

                                                       

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Today's Music

The Muppets

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thanks Peter S

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thanks Toni

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Best friends graduated from medical school

 at the same time and decided that,

 in spite of two different specialties,

 they would open a practice together

to share office space and personnel.

 Dr. Smith was the psychiatrist

and Dr. Jones was the proctologist.

They put up a sign reading:

 "Dr.. Smith and Dr. Jones:

Hysterias and Posteriors".

The town council was livid and insisted they change it.

So, the docs changed it to read

: "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids

This was also not acceptable,

 so they again changed the sign to read

 "Catatonics and High Colonics"

....No go.

Next, they tried

 "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives"

....thumbs down again.

Then came "Minds and Behinds"

....still no good.

Another attempt resulted in

 "Lost Souls and Butt Holes"

....unacceptable yet again.

So they tried "Analysis and Anal Cysts"

....Odds and Ends"

Everyone loved it.ot a chance.

"Nuts and Butts"

....no way.

"Freaks and Cheeks"

....still no good.

"Loons and Moons"

....forget it.

Almost at their wit's end,

the docs finally came up with:

 "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones -

thanks Liz Z

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thanks Jayne M

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POSTERS

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thanks Kitty L

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Picture of the Day

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Western Australia

Kalbarri

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PHILS PHILOSOPHY

Disclaimer

All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site

are understood to be in the public domain.

If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,

please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.