Phils Phun

415

Happy Mohers Day to all the Mums

------

thanks to Toni for the cartoons and video's

------

Osama Bin Laden

Elton John has been asked to play at Osama Bin Larden’s funeral- he is playing “ sandals in the bin”

thanks to all those who forwarded the above material

---

Two old boys from the Mountains, Leroy and Jasper,
have been promoted from privates to sergeants
. Not long afterward, they're out for a walk and Leroy says,
"Hey, Jasper, there's the NCO Club.
Let's you and me step in."
"But we's privates," protests Jasper.
"We's sergeants now," says Leroy,
pointing to his stripes and pulling him inside
. "Now, Jasper, I'm a-gonna sit down and have me a drink."
"But we's privates," says Jasper.
"You blind, boy?" asks Leroy, pointing again at his stripes.
"We's sergeants now!"
So they have their drink,
and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Leroy.
"You're cute," she says, "and I'd like to date you,
but I've got a bad case of gonorrhea."
Leroy pulls his friend to the side and whispers,
"Jasper, go look in the dictionary and see what gonorrhea means.
If it's okay, give me the okay sign."
So Jasper goes to look it up,
comes back, and gives Leroy the big okay sign.
Three weeks later Leroy is laid up in the infirmary
with a terrible case of gonorrhea.
"Jasper," he says, "what for' you gave me the okay?"
"Well, Leroy, in the dictionary,
it say gonorrhea affects only the privates."
Pointing to his stripes, he says,
"But we's Sergeants now!"

----------

Those Funny Animals

---

----

thanks Kitty L

---------

The only cow in a small town in Australia stopped giving milk.

The townsfolk found they could buy a cow in India quite cheaply.

They brought the cow from India and it was wonderful,
produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.
They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows,
so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again.
They put the bull in the pasture with the cow
but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow,
the cow would move away.
No matter what approach the bull tried,
the cow would move away from
the bull and he was never able to do the deed.
The people were very upset and decided to go to the Vet,
who was very wise, and tell him what was happening and ask his advice.
"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away
.If he approaches from the back, she moves forward, they said
When he approaches her from the front, she backs off.
If he attempts from the one side, she walks away to the other side."
The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking,
"Did you by chance, buy this cow in India?"
The people were dumbfounded,
since no one had ever mentioned that they
had bought the cow over from India.
"You are truly a wise Vet," they said.
"How did you know we got the
cow in India?
The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye,
"My wife is from India"

thanks Linda Mc

----------------

---

---

------

stolen from Slavenka and Obi

---------

"Not now" Katie.."later"

----

------

thanks Kerry S

----

---

Tabu walked into class every morning with a black eye.
After a while his teacher got worried and asked him about it.
Tabu's answer was: "Our house is very small miss.
Me, my mother and my father, we sleep on the same bed.
Every night my father asks, 'Tabu you sleeping?"
Then I say "No" and then he slaps my face and gives me a black eye."
So the teacher says to him, "tonight when your father asks again,
keep dead quiet and don't answer".
The following morning Tabu comes to school and his eye is fine,
so the teacher breathes a sigh of relief.
But the day after that Tabu comes back with a severe black eye again.
"My goodness Tabu, why the black eye again?"
He tells her: "Mam, Dad asked me again,
"Tabu are you sleeping?...and I shut up and kept dead still.
Then my father and my mother started moaning (you know) at the same time
Mom was breathing erratically, kicking her legs up frantically
and squealing like a demented hyena on the bed"...
Then my father asks my mother:
"Are you coming?" Then my mom says, 'Yes I'm coming, are you coming too?"
and my dad answered "Yes".
They don't usually go anywhere without me so I said
'Wait for me.........

thanks Kitty L
-----------

Today's Music

Luciano Pavarotti

--------

----

----

EVE'S SIDE OF THE STORY

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve.
'So, how is everything going ?' inquired God.
'It is all so beautiful, God,' she replied.
'The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights,
everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem..
'It's these breasts you have given me.
The middle one pushes the other two out
and I am constantly knocking them with my arms,
catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes.
They're a real pain.'
And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs,
such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc.
She felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more 'symmetrically balanced'.
'That's a fair point,' replied God,
'But it was my first shot at this, you know.
I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those,
but I see that you are right.
I will fix it up right away.'
And God reached down, removed the middle breast
and tossed it into the bushes
Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.
'Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation ?'
'Just fantastic,' she replied, 'but for one oversight.
You see, all the animals are paired off
The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull.
All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone.'
God thought for a moment and said,
'You know, Eve, you are right.
How could I have overlooked this ?
You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you.
Let's see....where did I put that useless boob ?'
Now doesn't THAT make more sense than the rib story ?

thanks Duke

----

Cannibals