481

--------------------------------

The English Language

----

At the Duplex

---------------------------------------

Sports Bloopers

Soccer

thanks Gordon H

---------------

---------------------------

Topical

-----------------------

I used to work in an art supply store.

We sold artists’ canvas by the yard,

and you could get it in either of two widths:

36 inches or 48 inches.

Customer: “Can you please cut some canvas for me?”

Me: “Certainly, what width?”

Customer: (confused and slightly annoyed) “Scissors?”

----------------------------------

Those Funny Animals

thanks Kitty L

---------------------------------

-------

A Chinese guy goes to a Jew to buy black bras, size 38D.

The Jew, known for his skills as a businessman,

says that black bras are rare and that he is finding it very difficult to buy them from his suppliers.

Therefore he has to charge $50.00 for them.

 The Chinese guy buys twenty-five pair.

He returns a few days later and this time orders fifty bras.

 The Jew tells him that they have become even harder to get and charges him $60.00 each.

The Chinese guy returns a month later.

 This time, he buys the Jew’s remaining stock of fifty,

 and this time he is charged $75.00 each.

The Jew is somewhat puzzled by the large demand for black size 38D bras

and asks the Chinese guy, "...please tell me --

 What do you do with all these black bras?"

The Chinese guy answers

, "I cut them in half and sell them as yarmulkes to Jewish men for $200.00 each."

--------------------------------------

-------------------

 

thanks Don H

----------------------

A man walks into a Chinese restaurant but is told by the maître d’

 that there will be at least a twenty minute wait and would he like to wait in the bar.

He goes into the bar and the bartender says,

 “What’ll it be?”

The man replies, “Give me a Stoli with a twist.”

The bartender squints at him for a few seconds, then smiles and says,

“Once upon time was four little pig.”

------

Confucius Say

When you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

Confucius Say

Bad singers break into song because they can't find the key.

Confucius Say

The wise speak when they have something to say,

the fools speak when they have to say something.

Confucius Say

If you worry about yesterday's failures, todays successes will be few.

Confucius Say

The greatest fault is to be conscious of none.

Confucius Say

He who thinks by the inch and talks by the yard deserves to be kicked by the foot.

Confucius Say

A woman can humiliate any man by simply saying "Hold my purse."

Confucius Say

An Egotist a person more interested in himself than in me.

Confucius Say

When solving problems, dig at the roots instead of hacking at the leaves.

------

 Interesting Graphs

--------------------------

Living with two Women

----------------------------

--------------------------

Country doctor

A country doctor was making a house call at a farm.

He spotted a well at the side of the house and walked over to it

. He leaned over to see how deep the well was,

 but unfortunately he leaned too far and plunged to the bottom.

 It took rescuers hours to pull him to safety.

When the ordeal was over the farmer remarked to the doctor,

 "I hope you've learned your lesson."

"What lesson is that?"

"A doctor should tend to the sick and leave the well alone."

 CROWBAR

--------------------------------

Spec Savers

thanks Toni

---------------------------------------

--------------------

-----------------------------

--

Mississippi

----------------------------

 Seniors

---------------

------------------------------------------

1. If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly

.

2. Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices & strawberries all count as fruit,

so eat as many as you want.

3. The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car.

The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.

4. Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal.

 It'll take the edge off your appetite and you'll eat less.

5. If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge.

 Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.

6. If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate,

is that a balanced diet? Don't they actually counteract each other?

7. Money talks. Chocolate sings.

8. Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.

9. Q. Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous?

        A. Because no one wants to quit.

10. Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today.

 That way, at least you'll get one thing done.

11. A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place.

Isn't that handy?

12. If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer.

 But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you?

----------------------------------

thanks Shelagh N

-------------------------------------

PHILS PHILOSOPHY

Disclaimer

All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site

are understood to be in the public domain.

If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,

please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.