482

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 January 26th

thanks Joe B

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Topical

Italian Cruise ship captain Francesco Schettino began his new job as a bus driver yesterday....

 

thanks Gordon H

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Doesn't take long, does it!..............

A man phones an Airfix model shop and says,

 "Have you got a model of an Italian cruise liner?"

"Yes", replies the owner.

That's great!", says the man,

"Can you put it on one side for me?"

The current plight of the Costa Concordia reminds me of a comment made by Churchill.

After his retirement he was cruising the Mediterranean

on an Italian cruise liner and some Italian journalists asked

 why an ex British Prime Minister should chose an Italian ship.

There are three things I like about being on an Italian cruise ship said Churchill.

First their cuisine is unsurpassed

. Second their service is superb.

And then, in time of emergency,

 there is none of this nonsense about women and children first.

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Schwartz and Feldman, partners in the garment industry,

had   just suffered through their worst season ever.

Eight thousand madras sports coats were hanging on the rack unsold,

and bankruptcy was looming closer each day.

Out of the blue, in walked a buyer from Australia.

 "I saythere," he began

 "you boys wouldn't happen to have any madras sports coats, would you?

I've been looking for them everywhere."

Schwartz said there MIGHT be a few left,

and soon a deal was made whereby the eight thousand jackets

 would be shipped to Australia at a handsome profit.

"There is one thing though," said the Australian buyer.

 "For an order this large,

 I'll have to get a confirmation from my home office.

I don't anticipate any problem,

and unless I send you a telegram by this Friday,

the deal goes through as planned."

Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday passed slowly,

with the partners nervously waiting to see if the Australian

 would change his mind.

Friday morning went by without incident.

Schwartz and Feldman were closing up shop when,

 at five minutes to five, there was a knock on the door: .....

"Telegram!"

The partners froze.

 Trembling, Feldman grabbed the telegram

and opened it

. Suddenly, his face lit up.

 "Schwartz,

GREAT NEWS! Your brother died!"

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Who said Canadians don't like to brag!!

thanks David T

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If you don't laugh some thing is wrong with you!!!

Last week, I took my grandchildren to a restaurant.

My six-year-old grandson asked if he could say grace.

As we bowed our heads he said,

 "God is good, God is great. Thank you for the food,

 and I would even thank you more if Grandpa gets us ice cream for dessert.

And liberty and justice for all! Amen!"

Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby,

 I heard a woman remark,

"That's what's wrong with this country.

Kids today don't even know how to pray.

Asking God for ice cream! Why, I never!"

Hearing this, my grandson burst into tears and asked me,

"Did I do it all wrong? Is God cross with me?"

As I held him and assured him that he had done a terrific job,

and God was certainly not mad at him,

an elderly gentleman approached the table.

He winked at my grandson and said,

"I happen to know that God thought that was a great prayer."

"Really?" my grand-son asked.

"Cross my heart," the man replied.

Then, in a theatrical whisper, he added\

 (indicating the woman whose remark had started this whole thing),

 "Too bad she never asks God for ice cream.

 A little ice cream is good for the soul sometimes."

Naturally, I bought my grandchildren ice cream at the end of the meal.

 My grandson stared at his for a moment,

and then did something I will remember for the rest of my life.

He picked up his sundae and, without a word,

 walked over and placed it in front of the woman.

With a big smile he told her,

"Here, this is for you.

Shove it up your arse you grumpy old bitch! "

thanks Gordon H

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i wish i was a teddy bear!!

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Take the bus

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thanks Toni S

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Those Funny Animals

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Why people go south in the winter

thanks Liz Z

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Signs and Posters

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Blonde golfer

A blonde golfer goes into the pro shop and looks around frowning. Finally the pro asks her what she wants. "I can't find any green golf balls," the blonde golfer complains.
The pro looks all over the shop, and through all the catalogs, and finally calls the manufacturers and deter- mines that sure enough, there are no green golf balls.
As the blonde golfer walks out the door in disgust, the pro asks her, "Before you go, could you tell me why you want green golf balls?"
"Well obviously, because they would be so much easier to find in the sand traps!"






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Gotta love this

Watch until the end

Best viewed in full screen

Lovefield

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A termite walked into this pub and asked: “Is the bar tender here?”

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Not a morning person!!

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Two faced

This video is fresh (for the public).

It was made just six weeks ago in the Atlantic,

just off Virginia Beach (Hampton Roads), Virginia .

These are the latest sea trials of the F-35B on the USS Wasp.

 They were very successful, with 74 VL's and STO's in a three week period.

 The media and the program critics had predicted

 that we would burn holes in the deck and wash sailors overboard

. Neither of which happened.

You will notice a sailor standing on the bow of the ship as the jet rotates.

 That was an intentional part of the sea trials.

The USS Wasp is an amphibious assault ship

 designed to embark a Marine Expeditionary Unit.

 It is capable of simultaneously supporting rotary

 and fixed wing STOVL aircraft and amphibious landing craft operations.

 For this test deployment the USS Wasp was outfitted

 with special instrumentation to support and measure the unique operating environment

 as the F-35B conducted short takeoffs and vertical landings.

No catapult...... No hook ............

The shape and scope of warfare – worldwide – just changed.

view in full screen and enjoy

.

thanks Kitty L

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Clever stuff!

Write your name and get to see it in the tattoo!
Enter your name in the screen that appears and then watch!
Click 

HERE

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Cities of the world by population inhabitants

thanks Kitty L

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Blonde golfer

A blonde golfer goes into the pro shop and looks around frowning.
Finally the pro asks her what she wants.
 "I can't find any green golf balls," the blonde golfer complains.
The pro looks all over the shop, and through all the catalogs,
 and finally calls the manufacturers and deter-
mines that sure enough, there are no green golf balls.
As the blonde golfer walks out the door in disgust, the pro asks her,
 "Before you go, could you tell me why you want green golf balls?"
"Well obviously, because they would be so much easier to find in the sand traps!"


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Don't Blink

thanks Liz Z

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PHILS PHILOSOPHY

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Disclaimer

All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site

are understood to be in the public domain.

If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,

please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.