483

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It doesn't come much better than this!!!

Buddy Greene at Carnegie Hall

thanks Wayne W

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Arab and the Scotsman

An Arab Sheik was admitted to St Vincent's Hospital for heart surgery,

 but prior to the surgery,

the doctors needed to store his blood type in case the need arises.

As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally,

 so, the call went out to all the states.

 Finally a Scot was located who had a similar blood type.

The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab.

After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman as appreciation for giving his blood,

 a new BMW, diamonds & US dollars.

A couple of days later, once again,

 the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery.

 His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood again.

 After the second surgery,

 the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card & a jar of candies.

 The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab this time

 did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated.

 He phoned the Arab & asked him:

 "I thought you would be generous again,

 that you would give me a BMW, diamonds & money...

 But you only gave me a thank-you card & a jar of candies".

To this the Arab replied:

"Aye, but I now have Scottish blood in me veins".__

thanks Kitty L

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A Short Story for Engineers

You don’t have to be an engineer to appreciate this story.

A toothpaste factory had a problem:

 they sometimes shipped empty boxes, without the tube inside.

 This was due to the way the production line was set up,

and people with experience in designing production lines

 will tell you how difficult it is to have everything happen with timings

 so precise that every single unit coming out of it is perfect 100% of the time.

 Small variations in the environment

(which can’t be controlled in a cost-effective fashion)

mean you must have quality assurance checks smartly distributed across

the line so that customers all the way down to the supermarket

 don’t get pissed off and buy another product instead.

Understanding how important that was,

 the CEO of the toothpaste factory got the top people in the company together

 and they decided to start a new project,

 in which they would hire an external engineering company

 to solve their empty boxes problem,

as their engineering department was already too stretched to take on any extra effort.

The project followed the usual process: budget and project sponsor allocated,

 RFP, third-parties selected, and six months (and $8 million) later they had a fantastic solution

— on time, on budget, high quality and everyone in the project had a great time.

 They solved the problem by using high-tech precision scales

 that would sound a bell and flash lights whenever

 a toothpaste box would weigh less than it should.

The line would stop, and someone had to walk over

 and yank the defective box out of it, pressing another button when done to re-start the line.

A while later, the CEO decides to have a look at the ROI of the project: amazing results!

 No empty boxesever shipped out of the factory after the scales were put in place.

 Very few customer complaints, and they were gaining market share.

 “That’s some money well spent!” –

 he says, before looking closely at the other statistics in the report.

It turns out, the number of defects picked up by the scales was 0

after three weeks of production use.

It should’ve been picking up at least a dozen a day,

 so maybe there was something wrong with the report.

 He filed a bug against it, and after some investigation,

the engineers come back saying the report was actually correct.

The scales really weren't picking up any defects,

because all boxes that got to that point in the conveyor belt were good.

Puzzled, the CEO travels down to the factory,

 and walks up to the part of the line where the precision scales were installed.

A few feet before the scale, there was a $20 desk fan,

 blowing the empty boxes out of the belt and into a bin.

“Oh, that,” says one of the workers —

 “one of the guys put it there ’cause he was tired of walking over…..

 “every time the bell rang”.

thanks Kitty L

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Only You

thanks Liz Z

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A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station,

was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule,

 at 2 in the morning.

Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark,

 crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed.

Just then, his wife sleepily sat up and said,

 "Honey, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block

 and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache."

"Certainly, darling," he said, and feeling his way across the dark room,

he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.

As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise,

 "Say," saidthe druggist, "I know you - aren't you a policeman?

Officer Fenwick, right?"

"Yeah, so?" said the officer.

"Well what the heck are you doing all dressed up like the Fire Chief?"

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 Those Funny Animals

Dog in Leaves

Feeding the Deers

thanks Kitty L

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thanks Gordon H

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An extremely shy fellow once brought his date a bouquet of flowers.

 She threw her arms around him and kissed him long and hard.

 After the kiss, he turned and bolted for the door.

She exclaimed,

 "Oh! I'm sorry, I didn't mean to offend you."

"You didn't!" he replied.

 "I'm just going to run down to the cemetery and steal some more flowers!"

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Funny Signs and Posters

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Amazing Grace

At Carnegie Hall, gospel singer Wintley Phipps delivers perhaps

 the most powerful rendition of Amazing Grace ever recorded.

 He says, "A lot of people don't realize that just about all Negro spirituals

 are written on the black notes of the piano.

Probably the most famous on this slave scale was written by John Newton,

 who used to be the captain of a slave ship,

 and many believe he heard this melody that sounds

 very much like a West African sorrow chant.

 And it has a haunting, haunting plaintive quality

to it that reaches past your arrogance, past your pride,

 and it speaks to that part of you that's in bondage.

 And we feel it. We feel it.

 It's just one of the most amazing melodies in all of human history."

 After sharing the noteworthy history of the song,

Mr. Phipps delivers a stirring performance that brings the audience to its feet!

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PARAPROSDOKIANS: (Winston Churchill loved them.)

I had to look up "paraprosdokian".

Here is the definition:

"Figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence

 or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently used in a humorous situation."

 "Where there's a will, I want to be in it," is a type of paraprosdokian.

1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

3. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

10. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train?stops.

 On my desk, I have a work station.

11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.

12. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'

13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street

 with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

15. Behind every successful man is his woman.

Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

17. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

18. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

19. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

20. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

21. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

22. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

23. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

24. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

25. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian

any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

26. Where there's a will, there's relatives.

thanks David T

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Dancing Queen

Spooky Mens Chorale

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This one way to not use the stairs

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Modern Times

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Looking in the mall for a nightgown,

I tried my luck in a store known for its sexy lingerie.

 To my delight, however, I found just what I was looking for.

Waiting in the line to pay,

 I noticed a young woman behind me holding the same item.

 This confirmed what I suspected all along:

 despite being nearly sixty, I still have a very "with it" attitude!

"I see we have the same taste,"

I said proudly to the twenty-something behind me.

"Yes," she replied. "I'm getting this for Grandma."

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thanks Kitty L

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thanks Liz Z

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Gymnastics

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Picture of the Week

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thanks Duke

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 PHILS PHILOSOPHY

Disclaimer

All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site

are understood to be in the public domain.

If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,

please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.