484

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Russian Elections

thanks Gordon H

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A baby was born to a couple.

When he was one, he could talk like an adult.

 When he was two, he could read anything -- in any language!

 When he was three, he could do advanced calculus.

When he was four, he could predict the future.

One day, he made three predictions:

 "One year from today, I will die.

 Two years from today, my mother will die.

Three years from today, my father will die."

 Sure enough, a year later the young boy died.

The father, getting the picture in a big way,

loaded up his wife with a million dollars in life insurance.

 A year later, she died.

The father collected the million dollar insurance benefit,

 and, figuring he only had 12 months before his own death, went on a 364-day binge..

. Fast cars, faster women, exotic vacations and flings with supermodels.

His timing was perfect!

 On the 364th day, he blew the last penny on a Blue Sapphire martini

and an exotic dancer with a taste for overpriced champagne and sexy lingerie.

 At midnight, he toasted himself,

 "What a way to go!"

 and slipped off into what he assumed would be his big sleep.

To his amazement, he woke up the next morning.

He had cheated death!

He was invincible!

Then the exotic dancer with whom he'd spend the night broke the news,

"Honey, better come quick!

The pool boy's dead."

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Beach Trick

thanks Wayne W

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BEFORE AND AFTER PICTURES.

Sinking of the Costa Concordia

thanks Kitty L

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# How do they serve alcoholic drinks on Italian cruise ships? - On the rocks

# What vegetables do you get with dinner on Italian cruise ships? - Leeks

# What's the fastest way to get off an Italian cruise ship? - Follow the captai

# When the captain of the ill fated Costa Concordia was asked if he knew

where he was going he replied "off course."

# So the captain of the Costa Concordia will soon be in the dock. -

That's more than can be said for his ship.

# The Costa Concordia is probably the most expensive thing

 to go down in Italy since Berlusconi's last hooker.

# What's the difference between the Italian economy

 and the stricken cruise liner Costa Concordia?

Nothing - The bottoms dropped out of both.

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The Best of January 2012



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Accident!!



One lazy Sunday morning the wife and I were quiet and thoughtful,

 sitting aroundthe breakfast table when I said to her unexpectedly,

"When I die, I want you to sell all my stuff, immediately."

"Now why would you want me to do something like that?" she asked.

"I figure a woman as fine as yourself would eventually remarry

 and I don't want some other asshole using my stuff."

She looked at me intently and said:

"What makes you think I'd marry another asshole?"

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thanks Gordon H

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 Those Funny Animals

Don't mess with the Elephant!!



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Find the Cat??

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--

Super Bowl  winning adverts

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The wife asked me what I was doing on the computer last night ...

I told her I was looking for cheap flights ...

"I love you!" she cried, then got all excited,

 unzipped my trousers and we had the most amazing sex ever!

Strange that - she's never shown any interest in darts before!

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Seniors

 thanks Kitty L

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-

No bathing suit in the Lobby!!

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here are two good links to the 50's and 60's

http://oldfortyfives.com/TakeMeBackToTheFifties.htm 

thanks Wayne W    and     Kitty L

--

Dora Evans made a nice living running her mobile concession truck.

She would find out where the local movie company

was shooting on location and park her truck, which she called simply

“The Box”, near-by.

Technicians and actors alike would stop by for some pastry

 and coffee during breaks from shooting.

The director was shooting the most important scene in the movie.

In this scene the lovers walking along a deserted beach decide

to break off their relationship and return to their respective spouses

 to live the rest of their lives with only the memory of their short interlude

 to comfort them in the years ahead.

He had shot the scene several times in order to insure

 that he had obtained the most dramatic effect.

That evening, on reviewing the daily takes,

 he was shocked to find every take was spoiled.

 As the stars were talking,

the camera swept around the surrounding loneliness of the empty beach.

 But in every take,

 there was the concession truck with several people enjoying its wares.

He immediately called his cinematographer and shouted angrily,

 “I told you never to pan Dora’s Box.”

stolen from Archies Archives





I walked out of my house and was immediately hit in the head with a slice of ham.

 That was followed by a pound of ground beef,

then a couple of rashers of bacon.

 I called 911 and reported what happened.

They said, "Of course.

 We're having meatier showers."

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Punny

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Ron stared at the bellhop in disbelief.

 "A hundred twenty five dollars for a girl?

 That's ridiculous!

"Why, in Tennessee, I can get a girl to clean my house,

 wash my clothes, cook my meals

 and sleep with me all night for four pork chops a day."

"Then what," said the bellhop,

"are you doing in Chicago?"

"Buying pork chops in bulk."

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Early Movie Stars with their cars

In the Mood

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Here are some interesting and true facts:

1. The Statue of Liberty's index finger is eight feet long.

2. Rain has never been recorded in some parts of the Atacama Desert in Chile.

3. A 75 year old person will have slept about 23 years.

4. Boeing 747's wing span is longer than the Wright brother's first flight.

The Wright brother's invented the airplane.

5. There are as many chickens on earth as there are humans.

6. One type of hummingbird weighs less than a penny.

7. The word "set" has the most number of definitions in the English language;

192 Slugs have four noses.

8. Sharks can live up to 100 years.

9. Mosquitos are more attracted to the color blue than any other color.

10. Kangaroos can't walk backwards.

11. About 75 acres of pizza are eaten in in the U.S. everyday.

12. The largest recorded snowflake was 15 Inch wide and 8 Inch thick.

 It fell in Montana in 1887.

13. The tip of a bullwhip moves so fast that the sound it makes is actually a tiny sonic boom.

14. Former president Bill Clinton only sent 2 emails in his entire 8 year presidency.

15. Koalas and humans are the only animals that have finger prints.

16. There are 200,000,000 insects for every one human.

17. It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery had in it to begin with.

18. The world's largest Montessori school is in India, with 26,312 students in 2002.

19. Octopus have three hearts.

20. If you ate too many carrots, you would turn orange.

21. The average person spends two weeks waiting for a traffic light to change.

22. 1 in 2,000,000,000 people will live to be 116 or old.

23. The body has 2-3 million sweat glands.

24. Sperm whales have the biggest brains; 20 lbs.

25. Tiger shark embryos fight each other in their mother's womb. The survivor is born.

26. Most cats are left pawed.

27. 250 people have fallen off the Leaning Tower of Pisa.

28. A Blue whale's tongue weighs more than an elephant.

29. You use 14 muscles to smile and 43 to frown. Keep Smiling!

30. Bamboo can grow up to 3 ft in 24 hours.

31. An eyeball weighs about 1 ounce.

thanks Liz Z

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PHILS PHILOSOPHY

Disclaimer

All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site

are understood to be in the public domain.

If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,

please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.



http://objflicks.com/TakeMeBackToTheSixties.htm