Phils Phun

147
Just to make sure your paying attention, do this
Awareness test
Awareness Test

I always knew the Scots were a little mad
Don't try any of these at home

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman go into a pub.
They all suffer from a severe stutter.
'What's it to be ?' asks the stunningly beautiful landlady.
'Th th th th th th three pi pi pi pi pi..................'says the Englishman.
Up steps the Irishman. 'Threeee p pints of of of of gui gui gui gui..............'
Then the Scotsman tries.'Th th th th th th th th th th th th th th...............'
'Oh bugger this !' says the beautiful landlady and walks away to serve someone else.
She returns ten minutes later and asks if they are ready to order yet.
'Th th th th th th three pi pi pi pi pi', stutters the Englishman.
'Three pints of gui gui gui gui.........' tries Paddy.
And then Scotty starts 'Th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th...........'.
'Look' says the beautiful landlady, who loves a bet,
'If any one of you can answer a question without
stuttering I'll let you make love to me!'
Quite confident that no one will win, she turns to the Englishman.
'Where do you live?'
'M M M M M M M Man Man Man Man Manch Manch Manch.'
'No. You lose.' says the beautiful landlady.
Turning to the Scotsman, she asks, 'Where do you live Scotty?', trying not to laugh.
'E E E E E Ed Ed Ed Edin Edin Edin Edin Edin Edin Edinb.'
'Sorry, you lose.' says the gorgeous woman.
'And Paddy, where do you live?' she purrs at the Irishman.
'London' blurts out the Irishman.
'Oh. Bugger!' says the landlady.
A great cheer goes up in the pub and the landlady reluctantly takes him by
the hand and leads him upstairs.
Once in the bedroom she strips to her underwear, next she takes off her bra
exposing a voluptous bosom.
Finally she slides off her panties then climbs into bed.
Paddy with concentration furrowing his brow,
climbs on and goes for glory,
and then, right at the climaxing
stroke, he suddenly screams out '...............-
D D D D D D D D Derry!!'
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Todays Cartoons

Country and Western Music
Q: what happens if you play country and western music backwards?

A: You get your truck back, you get your dog back,

you get your horse back, you get your girl back, …

eventually you get your life back.

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Caught another one

What can I say!!!!!!...the sign says it all

This fellow checks into a Vegas hotel.

The Doorman hands him his key,

and he gives the Doorman a big tip, and says,

"Listen, can you get me some Italian prostitutes, and send them up to the room?"

Doorman, says, "Oh, yes, Sir. Right away, Sir."

Guy says, "Now, they have to be Italian prostitutes, understand? And,send lots of them."

"Yes sir."

A little later, girls start appearing at the door of his room.

He invites them in.

Turns out he's a vampire.

He drinks their blood and, then, pushes them off the balcony.

The Doorman is going out to get luggage

and is hit several times by the falling bodies.

He tells the manager who calls the police.

The police arrive and question the Doorman, asking him

"What's going on?"

He says, "All I know is ...

drained wops keep falling on my head."
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More Punny Business

A boy came into the house with a sofa on his back.

His father said,

"How many times have I told you not to accept suites from strangers!?"

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Gary Shearston.....Iget a kick out of you

Another candidate for Parent of the year

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals.

So, the monarch offered him his freedom,

as long as he could answer a very difficult question.

Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year,

he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question?...

What do women really want?

Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man,

and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query.

But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition

to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone:

the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester.

He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.
Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.
But the price would be high;

as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.
The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch.

She agreed to answer the question,

but he would have to agree to her price first.
The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot,

the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!
Young Arthur was horrified.

She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth,

smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc.

He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.
He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden;

but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.
He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life

and the preservation of the Round Table.
Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:
What a woman really wants, she answered..

.is to be in charge of her own life.
Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth

and that Arthur's life would be spared
And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom

and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.
The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom.

But, what a sight awaited him.

The most beautiful woman he had ever seen

lay before him on the bed.

The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened
The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch,

she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time

and the beautiful maiden the other half.

Which would he prefer?

Beautiful during the day....or night?
Lancelot pondered the predicament.
During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends,

but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch?

Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day,

but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?
What would YOU do?
What Lancelot chose is below.

BUT....make YOUR choice before you read on!