165

Michael Palin for President

It has been determined that having sex before participating in athletic activity,

such as a marathon race, does not impair the athlete's performance.

In fact, men have known and displayed this for centuries.

After sex, they glanceat their watches and say,

"Oops, gotta run!"

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no wonder the banks are suffering!!!!

One day, after a man had his annual physical, the doctor came out and said,

"You had a great check-up.

Is there anything that you'd like to talk about or ask me?"

"Well," he said, "I was thinking about getting a vasectomy."

"That's a big decision! Have you talked it over with your family?"

"Yeah,... and they're in favor 15 to 2."
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Star Trek meets the Love Boat

DEAD HORSES OF BUREAUCRACY

The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians,

passed down from generation to generation,

says that when you discover that you are riding a dead horse,

the best strategy is to dismount.

In the Public Service, however, a diverse range of socially responsible

and culturally appropriate options and economically advanced strategies are often employed. 1.Change riders.

2. Buy a stronger whip.

3. Do nothing: "This is the way we have always ridden dead horses".

4. Visit other countries to see how they ride dead horses.

5. Perform a productivity study to see if lighter riders improve the dead horse's performance.

6. Hire a contractor to ride the dead horse. (Also useful as a saddle and to protect your arse)

7. Harness several dead horses together in an attempt to increase the speed.

8. Provide additional funding and/or training to increase the dead horse's performance.

9. Appoint a committee to study the horse and assess how dead it actually is.

10. Re-classify the dead horse as "living-impaired".

11 Develop a Strategic Plan for the management of dead horses.

12. Rewrite the expected performance requirements for all horses.

13. Modify existing standards to include dead horses.

14. Declare that, as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less costly,

carries lower overheads, and contributes substantially more to the bottom line

than many other horses

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Children can learn many things on the Internet

check on what they are doing on


Johnny Cash...Smiling Bill McCall

Cartoons ......and other Doggy things

Cool

CATS AND DOGS

What is a CAT?

1. Cats do what they want.

2. They rarely listen to you.

3. They're totally unpredictable.

4. When you want to play, they want to be alone.

5. When you want to be alone, they want to play.

6. They expect you to cater to their every whim.

7. They're moody. 8.

They leave hair everywhere.

CONCLUSION:

They're tiny women in little fur coats.

What is a DOG?

1. Dogs spend all day sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.

2. They can hear a package of food opening half a block away,

but don't hear you when you're in the same room.

3. They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.

4. They growl when they are not happy.

5. When you want to play, they want to play.

6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.

7. They leave their toys everywhere.

8. They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss!

9. They go right to your crotch as soon as they meet you.

CONCLUSION:

They're tiny men in little fur coats.
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Tony Orlando and Dawn

Candida and Knock three times on the ceiling

A novel way to hang on whilst standing in a train

Naughty New Zealand Joke

You may need to have heard a broad New Zealand accent to follow this one:

Wiremu, a New Zealander, landed at Heathrow in London

to watch the All Blacks play a big football test match.

He was not feeling well, so he decided to see a doctor.

"Hey doc, I don't feel so good, ey" said Wiremu.

The doctor gave him a thorough examination and informed Wiremu that he had prostate problems, and that the only cure was an immediate testicular removal.

"No way doc, I'm here for the Rugby" replied Wiremu

"I'm gitting a sicond opinion ey!"

The second Pommy doctor gave Wiremu the same diagnosis

and also advised him that testicular removal was the only cure.

Not surprisingly, Wiremu refused the treatment.

Wiremu was devastated but, with only hours to go before the All Blacks opening game

he found an expat Kiwi doctor and decided to get one

last opinion from someone he could trust.

The Kiwi doctor examined him and said

"Wiremu, you huv prostate suckness ey".

"What's the cure thin doc ey?" asked Wiremu hoping for a different answer.

"Wull, Wiremu", said the Kiwi doctor

"Wi're gonna huv to cut off your balls."

"Phew, thunk gud for thut!" said Wiremu,

"those Pommy bastards wanted to take my test tickets off me!"

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stolen from Miss Cellania

The Queen is Indian