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And you thought I had lost them
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Brian and Katies Wedding Dance
She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit
as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked,
"What man here will buy a lady a drink?"
The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her,
The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her,
but down at the end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter
and bellowed --
"Give the ballerina a drink!"
The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down.
The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down.
She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them,
revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked
"What man here will buy a lady a drink?"
Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said,
Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said,
"Give the ballerina another drink!"
The bartender approached the little drunk and said,
The bartender approached the little drunk and said,
"Tell me, Foy, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink,
but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?"
The drunk replied,
The drunk replied,
"Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!"
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It's a weird world
New Zealand
England
Anywhere and everywhere
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SERVICE RULES:
SERVICE RULES:
Marine Corps Rules:
1. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.
2. Decide to be aggressive enough, quickly enough.
3. Have a plan.
4. Have a back-up plan, because the first one probably won't work.
5. Be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone you meet even your friends…
6. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun whose caliber does not start with a "4."
7. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive.
8. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral & diagonal preferred.)
9. Use cover or concealment as much as possible.
10. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.
11. Always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.
12. In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics. They will only remember who lived.
13. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating your intention to shoot.
Navy SEAL's Rules:
1. Look very cool in sunglasses.
2. Kill every living thing within view.
3. Adjust speedo.
4. Check hair in mirror.
US Army Rangers Rules:
1. Walk in 50 miles wearing 75 pound rucksack while starving.
2. Locate individuals requiring killing.
3. Request permission via radio from "Higher" to perform killing.
4. Curse bitterly when mission is aborted.
5. Walk out 50 miles wearing a 75 pound rucksack while starving.
US Army Rules:
1. Curse bitterly when receiving operational order.
2. Make sure there is extra ammo and extra coffee.
3. Curse bitterly.
4. Curse bitterly.
5. Do not listen to 2nd LT's; it can get you killed
6. Curse bitterly.
US Air Force Rules:
1. Have a cocktail.
2. Adjust temperature on air-conditioner.
3. See what's on HBO.
4. Ask "what is a gunfight?"
5. Request more funding from Congress with a "killer" Power Point presentation.
6. Wine & dine 'key' Congressmen, invite DOD & defense industry executives.
7. Receive funding, set up new command and assemble assets.
8. Declare the assets "strategic" and never deploy them operationally.
9. Hurry to make 13:45 tee-time.
10. Make sure the base is as far as possible from the conflict but close enough to have tax exemption.
US Navy Rules:
1. Go to Sea.
2. Drink Coffee.
3. Deploy Marines
"Cats on Kangaroo Island are being killed and made into stubby holders,
hats, golf-club covers and even slippers --
with the financial backing of the South Australian Government.
Animal welfare groups are outraged that the Government is helping to finance
the sale of the feral cat products.
Cat groups agree feral cat numbers need to be better managed on the island to protect wildlife. But they say shooting and poisoning the cats,
and then using their fur, heads and tails for profit, is appalling and barbaric".
I reckon I might order one of them stubby[beer can] holders
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PHIL is driving down a deserted back road at night
I reckon I might order one of them stubby[beer can] holders
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PHIL is driving down a deserted back road at night
when suddenly a pig runs out in front of him.
PHIL tries to stop, but hits the pig and kills it, he goes looking for the farmhouse
but no one answers so he just dumps the pig on the side of the road.
The next morning there's a knock on their door and a cop is standing there.
The cop says he is under arrest for a hit and run.
PHIL says "but I didn't hit anyone!"
The cop says "You killed farmer Johnson's prize hog last night."
PHIL says "But how do you know that?
There was no one around!
I looked for someone to tell!"
The cop says:
"Just before he died the pig squealed."
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Sleeping Dogs
I have a dog that talks in its sleep.
I have a dog that talks in its sleep.
One day a visitor was astonished to hear the dog bellow,
"My name isChristopher Columbus!
I am seven hundred years old!
Iown America!
I married Marilyn Monroe!"
When the visitor asked what was going on,
I replied,
"Don't worry about it.
It's better to just let sleeping dogs lie."
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Cartoons...Puns
For all those who like play air guitar
You can play along with
Stevie Ray Vaughan and Lonnie Mack
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Save our Planet
Save our Planet
Southern Translator
:Tars: Round thangs that your truck rides on
Brickley: Brittle, friable
War: A thin, metal strand
Bob war: A thin metal strand with stickery thangs on it
Awl: Pertoleum product that you put in the crankcase of your truck
Bidness: What you do to make a living
Awl Bidness: The search for the holy grail
Borry: The act of convincing someone to lend you something
(I borried his truck to move when the rent on my trailer came due)
Far: Something that flames and burn stuff up
Fared: Terminated from employment
(I got fared from my job 'cause I had a flat tar on my truck and was late to work)
Tared: Worn out, exhausted (I'm so tared of hearin' all these folks complanin' 'bout somethin' that don't 'mount to nothin')
Well, I'm tared so I'm gonna put out the far, call off the dawgs and go t' th' house...'cause I gotta be on time to work in the mornin' else I might get fared...
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5 comments:
A good way to show your intention to shoot is to pull the trigger.
Cursing bitterly.
Yeah, I'm retired Army. snerx.
LMAO.
Time to send the drunk home when he buys the first drink. Snerx.
Funny video. And I love the marbles!
G'day Jack and Gran
Thanks for dropping by
Jack...Ithought the service rules were funny, similar to Aussies
The drunk joke was a bit naughty, but funny.Did you smile??
Gran...TYhanks also
Have left a comment on your page
The marbles were good and the vid as you say was funny
Glad you liked them
Cheers
I loved the democrat cartoon. Bwahahahaha. The wedding dance was a hoot too. Have a great day. :)
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