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The coach had put together the perfect team for the Detroit Lions.
The only thing missing was a good quarterback.
He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues,
but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl victory.
Then one night, while watching CNN, he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan.
In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier
with a truly incredible arm.
He threw a hand-grenade straight into a window from 80 yards away.
Then he threw another from 50 yards down a chimney,
and then hit a passing car going 80 miles per hour.
"I've got to get this guy!" coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"
So, he brings the young Afghan to the States and teaches him the great game of football
........ and sure enough the Lions go on to win the Super Bowl.
The young Afghan is hailed as a hero of football
and when the coach asks him what he wants,
all the young man wants to do is call his mother.
"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the SuperBowl!"
"I don't want to talk to you," the old Muslim woman says.
"You deserted us. You are not my son!"
"Mother, I don't think you understand," pleads the son,
"I've just won the greatest sporting event in the world!"
"No! let me tell you," his mother retorts.
"At this very moment there are gunshots all around us.
The neighborhood is a pile of rubble.
Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week,
and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!"
The old lady pauses then tearfully says,
"I will never forgive you for making us move to Detroit!"

stolen from Miss Cellania
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Intsrumental Hits
Music
The Ventures.....Walk Don't Run


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A middle-aged man took his car to an auto repair shop for a checkup.
When he received the mechanic's bill, the man flipped out
."Hey!" he yelled to the owner of the shop.
"This bill is higher than the one I got from my doctor for a complete physical checkup!"
The auto shop owner nodded,"I believe it," he said.
"The difference here is, my bill includes the checkup, and...
the replacement of worn out parts!:

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Coke's secret ingredient


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Lotto and the Old Flame.........[What would you do?]


stolen from nonamedufus

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Redneck Dictionary
HEIDI - noun. Greeting.
HIRE YEW - Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting.
Usage: "Heidi, hire yew?"
BARD - verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow."
Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."
MUNTS - noun. A calendar division.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck and I ain't herd from him in munts."
THANK - verb. Ability to cognitively process.
Usage: "Ah thank ah'll have a bare."
BARE - noun. An alcoholic beverage made of barley, hops, and yeast.
Usage: "Ah thank ah'll have a bare."
IGNERT - adjective. Not smart. See "Arkansas native."
Usage: "Them Bammer boys sure are ignert!"
RANCH - noun. A tool used for tight'nin' bolts.
Usage: "I thank I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."
ALL - noun. A petroleum-based lubricant.
Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."
FAR - noun. A conflagration.
Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh don't change the all in my pickup truck, that thing's gonna catch far."
TAR - noun. A rubber wheel.
Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh don't git a flat tar in my pickup truck."
TIRE - noun. A tall monument.
Usage: "Lord willin' and the creek don't rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."
RETARD - verb. To stop working.
Usage: "My grampaw retard at age 65."
FAT - noun, verb. 1. a battle or combat. 2. to engage in battle or combat.
Usage: "You younguns keep fat'n, n' ah'm gonna whup y'uh."
RATS - noun. Entitled power or privilege.
Usage: "We Southerners are willin' to fat for are rats."
FARN - adjective. Not local.
Usage: "I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed....mus' be from some farn country."
DID - adjective. Not alive.
Usage: "He's did, Jim."
EAR - noun. A colorless, odorless gas: Oxygen.
Usage: "He cain't breathe....give 'im some ear!"
BOB WAR - noun. A sharp, twisted cable.
Usage: "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence."
JEW HERE - noun and verb contraction.
Usage: "Jew here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job with that bob war fence cump'ny?"
HAZE - a contraction.
Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah....haze ignert. He ain't thanked but a minnit 'n 'is laf."
SEED - verb, past tense of "to see
."VIEW - contraction: verb and pronoun.
Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City....view?"
GUMMIT - noun. A bureaucratic institution.
Usage: "Them gummit boys shore are ignert."

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Cartoons.............Computers and other techno stuff

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Welcome to Hell

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Pun 1…
A fellow received a mouse for his birthday

and he loved it so much that he never parted with it.

He took this mouse everywhere, to work, to parties, to the opera...

One day, a good friend of his died and so he went to pay his respects at the funeral parlor. Naturally, he took the mouse, which was perched on his shoulder.

On his way home, he suddenly realized that the mouse was gone!

He retraced all his moves for the day and realised that the last place

he had seen the mouse was at the funeral parlor.

He raced back across town, but arrived too late.

The body had been removed and was already being transported

to the cemetary in the hearse.

The mouse must have jumped off his shoulder onto the casket

and gotten carried into the hearse along with the casket.

Probably frightened, the mouse must have sought shelter in the closed casket!

It was too late ... the mouse was being buried alive.

Filled with grief as he remembered an old adage his mother had told him time

and time again as a kid...
Never lock a gift mouse in the hearse.

Pun 2

An Australian adult movie company was shooting a porn film

with a midget & two American porn stars, Barbara Dare & Barbara Moore.

Everything was going great with the midget & Barbara Dare having a wild sex scene

when the producer walked in and said to the director,

“What’s going on here? This is supposed to be a scene with two girls & the midget!”

“Alright, alright,” said the director,

“ I’ll put another shrimpie on a Barb for ya’!”

Thanks Duke

Pun2 …

The famous general died and his ashes were to be taken to Arlington National Cemetery.

All the air lines were booked and there were no other planes available.

Someone came up with the idea of using a helicopter.

It arrived at five a.m.

The newspapers reported the incident with

"the whirly bird gets the urn".

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Phunny Punny Pictures

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The latest market research shows a growing trend for eating high-fibre cereal for breakfast,

with the result that people are experiencing greater regularity in their bowel movements.

With trends like that,

who needs enemas?

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Korean Girl aged 5 singing....Hey Jude

Apparently she has been singing since she was 2

and knows most of the Beatles popular hits

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AMAZING FACTS ...2

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A New Zealander, an Aussie and a South African were all in Saudi Arabia,

sharing a smuggled carton of beer.

All of a sudden, Saudi police rushed in and arrested them.

The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia,

so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the beer,

they were sentenced to death!

However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers,

they were able to succesfully appeal their sentence down to life imprisonment

.By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished,

and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released

after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip.

As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh suddenly said:

"It’s my first wife’s birthday today,

and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."

The South African was first in line (he had drunk the least),

so he thought about this for a while and then said:

"Please tie a pillow to my back."This was done,

but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through.

The South African had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain

when the punishment was done.

The New Zealander was next up, and after watching the scene, said:

"Choice! Please fix two pillows on my back."

But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again.

The man from Australia was the last one up

, but before the Aussie could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said:-

"You are from a most beautiful country,

your Cricket team is the best in the world,

your footballers are terrific and your women are very sexy.

For this, may have two wishes!".-

"Thanks mate, your Most Royal and Merciful Highness", The Aussie replies.

"In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."-

"Not only are you an honourable, handsome and powerful man,

you are also very brave" the Sheik says with an admiring look on his face.

"If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it.

And your second wish? What is it to be?" the Sheik asks.-

"Please tie the New Zealander to my back."

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Bumping up the Sound

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are understood to be in the public domain.

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please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.