480

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Christmas 2019

thanks Gordon H

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thanks Jayne M

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Ronald Reagan

 thanks David T

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Texan Pig Farmer

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WINNING

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Seniors

We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the 'senior's' special'

 was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $2.99.

'Sounds good,' my wife said. 'But I don't want the eggs.'

Then, I'll have to charge you $3.49 because you're ordering a la carte,'

the waitress warned her.

'You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?' my wife asked incredulously.

'YES!' stated the waitress.

'I'll take the special then,' my wife said..

'How do you want your eggs?' the waitress asked.

'Raw and in the shell,' my wife replied.

She took the two eggs home and baked a cake.

DON'T MESS WITH SENIORS!!!

 They have been around the block more than once!

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Referee Training

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--

  A man was walking down the street when he was approached

 by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man

who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked,

 "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said.

 "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on greens' fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.

"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money.

Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded.

 "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?

I know I'm dirty and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The man replied, "That's okay.

 It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf and sex."

thanks Shelagh N

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Seen in Canada

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Those Funny Animals

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My Cat

thanks Liz Z

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3 beers in 37 seconds



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Cowboy Test

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A man called the phone company to complain about his listing in the directory.

 "I told you that my last name is Sweady," he said,

 "but you have it listed as Cyirwu."

"I'm sorry, sir," the phone company rep said.

 "I'll fix it so it'll be correct the next time we publish the directory.

 Now how do you spell your name?"

"Just like I told you before," the customer said.

 "It's S as in sea,

 W as in why,

 E as in eye,

 A as in are,

D as in double-u

and Y as in you."

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 Ankle Biters...   [Kids]

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YIKES !!!

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Fun Facts

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Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on a park bench one morning.

The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.

The 80-year-old was amazed at the guy's stamina

 and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87-year-old said,

 "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high

 and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home the 80-year-old stopped at the bakery.

As he was looking around, the saleslady asked if he needed any help.

He said, "Do you have any rye bread?"

She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"

He said, "I want 5 loaves."

She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves! By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard."

He replied, "I can't believe everybody knows about this shit but me."

thanks Duke

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Mini Kenworth Truck

thanks Liz Z

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Some more Demotivators

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 This is my Neighbour

thanks Kitty L

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 PHILS PHILOSOPHY

Disclaimer

All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site

are understood to be in the public domain.

If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,

please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.