10

G'day from Sunny Western Australia here the days
are fine and mild but as winter
approaches the nights are gretting abit chilly



A bloke goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.
The interviewer asks him,
"I see you have a bad limp , what happened"?
"I was wounded in Vietnam " he says.
"They managed to save my legs
but I'm afraid they couldn't save my testicles"
"The interviewer tells the bloke,
"O.K. I can hire you right now.
The hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M.
You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00 A.M."
The fella is puzzled and says,
"If the hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M.
then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 A.M.?"
"This is a government job" the interviewer says.
"For the first two hours we stand around scratching our balls -
no point in you coming in for that."

The Baptism

Before performing a baptism,

the Priest approached the young father

and said solemnly,

"Baptism is a serious step.Are you prepared for it?"

"I think so," the man replied.

"My wife has made appetizers

and we have a caterer coming to

provide plenty of cookies and cakes for all of our guests."

"I don't mean that,"The Priest responded.

"I mean, are you prepared spiritually?"

"Oh, sure," came the reply.

"I've got a keg of beer and a case of whiskey."

A woman walks into an accountant's office

and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.
The accountant says,

"Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions."

He gets her name, address, social security number, etc.

And then asks "What is your occupation?"
She replies " I'm a whore"
The accountant is somewhat taken back and says,

"No, No, No. That won't work.

Let's try to rephrase that."
The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl."
"No, that still won't work. Try again."
They both think for a minute;

then the woman says,

"I'm an elite chicken farmer".
The accountant asks,

"What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?"
"Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year."
"Chicken Farmer it is."

------------------------------

Upon arriving home, a husband

was met at the door by his sobbing Wife.

Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist.

He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone.

I had to call multiple times before

he would even answer the phone,

then, when he finally answered ...

he was rude to my simple question."

Immediately, the husband drove downtown

to confront the druggist and demand an apology.

Before he could say more than a word or two,

the druggist told him,

"Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it.

This morning the alarm failed to go off,

so I was late getting up.

I went without breakfast and hurried

out to the car, just to realize that I locked

the house with both house and car keys inside

and had to break a window to get my keys."

"Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket.

Later, when I was about three blocks from the store,

I had a flat tire.

When I finally got to the store a

bunch of people were waiting for me to open up.

I got the store opened and started

waiting on these people,

and all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook."

He continued,

"Then I had to break a roll of nickels

against the cash register drawer to make change,

and they spilled all over the floor.

I had to get down on my hands and knees to

pick up the nickels and the phone was still ringing.

When I came up I cracked my head

on the open cash drawer,

which made me stagger back against a showcase

with a bunch of perfume bottles on it.

Half of them hit the floor and broke."

"Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up,

and I finally got back to answer it.

It was your wife.

She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer."

"And believe me mister,

as God is my witness, all I did was tell her."

An Outback Pub

My favourite Don Williams song

9

G'day and welcome to blog no 9

English is a hard language !!
English has to be one of the hardest languages to understand.

Read the paragraph below

and try to understand the meaning.
"Two individuals proceeded towards the apex

of a natural geologic protuberance.

The purpose of their expedition being the

procurement of a sample of Fluid hydride

of oxygen in a large vessel,

the exact size of which was unspecified.
One member of the team precipitously descended,

sustaining severe damage to the upper

cranial portion of his anatomical structure;

subsequently the second member of the team

performed a self rotational translation oriented in

the same direction taken by the first team member."
In plain English what does this translate to?

Jack and Jill went up the hill

To fetch a pail of water

Jack fell down and broke his crown

And Jill came tumbling after!

------------------

A guy walks into a bar and approaches the barman.

"Can I have a pint of Less, please?" he asks.

"I'm sorry, sir," the barman says looking slightly puzzled,

"I've not come across that one. Is it a spirit?""

I've no idea," says the guy.

"The thing is my doctor told me last week, that I should drink Less."

There was once a young man who, in his youth,
professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "great" he said,
"I want to write stuff that the whole world will read,
stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level,
stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

It was a busy morning, approximately 8.30 am,

when an elderly gentleman in his 80s arrived

to have stitches removed from his thumb.

He stated he was in a hurry

as he had an appointment at 9.00 am.

I took his vital signs and had him take a seat,

knowing it would be over an hour

before someone would be able to see him.

I saw him looking at his watch and decided,

since I was not busy with another patient,

I would evaluate his wound.

On exam it was well healed,

so I talked to one of the doctors,

and got the needed supplies to remove

his sutures and redress his wound.

While taking care of his wound,

we began to engage in conversation.

I asked him if he had a doctor's appointment

this morning as he was in such a hurry.

The gentleman told me no,

he needed to go to the nursing home

to eat breakfast with his wife.

I then inquired as to her health.

He told me that she had been there for awhile,

and that she was a victim of Alzheimer's Disease.

As we talked, and I finished dressing his wound,

I asked if she would be worried if he was a bit late.

He replied that she no longer knew who he was,

that she had not recognized him in five years now.

I was surprised, and asked him,

"And you still go every morning,

even though she doesn't know who you are ?

"He smiled as he patted my hand and said,

"She doesn't know me, but I still know who she is."




taken out of thw window of the 4WD on

the Gibb River Road

As promised

The Zimmers My Generation

8

G'day

Morris the matchmaker told a single woman he had found her a husband.

"I'm sorry to bring this up," he said,

"but he wants to make sure that you are compatible in bed.

He has asked for... a sample."

The woman was shocked.

"Such a thing you ask a virtuous woman?

Such a crude person would suggest such a thing?

He's no gentleman.

What kind of a woman does he think I am?

" The matchmaker, struggling not to lose his fee, said,

"He's a businessman. He buys goods, he sells goods.

To him, it's no big deal... just a sample."

She thought a moment.

"So he's a businessman, eh?

Then tell him I don't give samples.

But if he wants, I can give him fifty references!"

------------------------------

One day a man came home from work

earlier than usual and caught his wife

in bed with his best friend.

Enraged, the husband grabbed a gun

and shot his friend to death.

His wife said,

"Ya' know, if you go on like this, you're going to lose ALL your friends."

====================

The Hypnotist at the Senior Citzens Centre
It was entertainment night at the seniors centre
and The Amazing Claude was topping the bill.
People came from miles around to see
the famed hypnotist do his stuff.
As Claude went to the front of the meeting room,
he announced,
"Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people
up here to be put into a trance, I will hypnotize the audience.
"The excitement was almost electric as Claude
withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.
"I want you all to keep youreye on this antique watch.
It's a very special watch.
It's been inmy family for six generations.
He began to swing the watch gentlyback
and forth while quietly chanting,
"Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch...
"The crowd became mesmerized as
the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming
off its polished surface.
Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch,
until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers
and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
Sh*t!" said the Hypnotist...
It took three weeks to clean up the seniors centre.

Katherine Gorge in the Norhern Territory

John Paul Young "Love is in the Air" 1978

7
G'day


End of Round three
Eagles won 3
Lost 0


Best on ground Michael Braun





Yes, thats a gun in his ear







Subject: Threat Level raised in UK

The English are feeling the pinch in relation
to recent terrorist threats and have
raised their security level from 'Miffed' to 'Peeved'.
Soon, though, security levels may be
raised yet again to'Irritated' or even 'A Bit Cross'.
Londoners have not been 'A Bit Cross'
since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out.
Terrorists have been re-categorized from
'Tiresome' to a 'Bloody Nuisance'.
The last time the British issued a 'Bloody Nuisance'
warning level was during the great fire of 1666.
Also, the French government announced yesterday
that it has raised its terror alert level from 'Run' to 'Hide'.
The only two higherlevels in France are
'Surrender' and 'Collaborate'.
The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that
destroyed France's white flag factory,
effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.
It's not only the English and French
that are on a heightened level of alert.

Italy has increased the alert level from
'Shout Loudly and Excitedly' to
'Elaborate Military Posturing'.
Two more levels remain: 'Ineffective Combat Operations' and 'Change Sides'.
The Germans also increased their alert
state from 'Disdainful Arrogance' to
'Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs'.
They also havetwo higher levels:
'Invade a Neighbour' and 'Lose.'
Belgians, on the other hand,
are all on holiday as usual,
andthe only threat they are worried about
is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
The Spanish are all excited to see their new
submarines ready to deploy.
These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms
so the new spanish navy can get a really good look
at the old spanish navy



One morning a man comes into the church on crutches.
He stops in front of the holy water
and splashes some of it on both of his legs,
then throws away his crutches.
An altar boy witnessed the scene
and runs into the rectory to tell the priest
what he'd just seen.
Without batting an eye, the priest says,
"Son, you've just witnessed a miracle.
Tell me, where is this man?"
"Flat on his ass, Father, over by the holy water."

-----------------






A Lebanese arrives in Sydney
as a new immigrant to Australia.
He stops the first person he sees
walking down the street and says
"Thank you Mr. Australian for letting
me in this country, and giving me
housing, money , free medical care and free education!"
But the passer-by says
"You are mistaken, I am Russian
The man goes on and encounters another passer-by.
"Thank you for having such a
beautiful country here in Australia!"
The person says "I no Australian, I Vietnamese."
The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he
stops, shakes his hand and says
"Thank you for the wonderful Australia!"
That person puts up his hand and says
"I am from Middle East,
I am not an Australian!"
He finally sees a nice lady and asks suspiciously,
"Are you an Australian?"
She says, "No, I am from New Zealand !
So he is puzzled, and asks her,
"Where are all the Australians?"
The Kiwi lady looks at her watch, shrugs and says,
"Probably at work








In the middle of nowhere in Central Australia

ABBA 'CHIQUITTA'

6
G'day


A beautiful young girl is about to undergo
a minor operation.
She's laid on a hospital trolley bed with nothing on,
except a sheet over her.
The nurse pushes the trolley down the corridor
towards the operating theatre,
where she leaves the girl on the trolley outside,
while she goes in to check whether everything is ready.
A young man wearing a white coat approaches,
lifts the sheet up and starts examining her naked body.
He puts the sheet back and then walks away
and talks to another man in a white coat.
The second man comes over,
lifts the sheet and does the same examinations.
When a third man does the same thing,
but more closely, she grows impatient and says:
"All these examinations are fine and appreciated,
but when are you going to start the operation?"
The man in the white coat shrugged his shoulders:
"I have no idea.
We're just painting the corridor."




An Arrest Made
The police recently busted a man selling
' secret formula' tablets
he claimed gave eternal youth.
When going through their files they
noticed it was the fifth time he was
caught for committing this same criminal
medical fraud.He had earlier been arrested in
1794, 1856, 1928 and 1983...........





Our local minister had all of his remaining teeth
pulled and new dentures made a few weeks ago.
The first Sunday, his sermon lasted 10 minutes.
The second Sunday, he preached only 20 minutes.
But, on the third Sunday,
he preached for an hour and a half.
I asked him about this. He then told me
"Well, John, that firstSunday,
my gums were so sore it hurt to talk.
The second Sunday,my dentures
were still hurting a lot.
Now the third Sunday,
Iaccidentally grabbed my wife's dentures
AND I COULDN'T STOPTALKING!"



Sunset over Shark Bay [Denham] in the NW



Todays Blast from the past is
"Lola" by the Kinks