70

Welcome to blog no 70

Last night whilst doing my normal blog [no 69] my computer decided to play silly games

and wouldn't let me upload anything halfway thru the post.

So in frustration I published what I had, and went to bed

To read blog 69 click on sidebar, or Older Post at the end of this blog

In blog 68 there was a video of a bloke walking on water

To find out how it is done, read the comments on blog 68

The first world golf trick shot championships

and for the golfer who has everything

A blonde tried to sell her old car.

She was having a lot of problems selling it,

because the car had almost 230,000 miles on it.

One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon.
The brunette told her,

"There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal."
"That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "if I only can sell the car."
"Okay," said the brunette.

"Here is the address of a friend of mine.

He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will 'fix it'.

Then it should not be a problem to sell your car anymore."
The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic.

About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde,

"Did you sell your car?"
"No," replied the blonde,

"Why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it!"

----------

The Rookie Cop
A rookie police officer was out for his first ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner.

A call came in telling them to disperse some people who were loitering.

The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner.

The rookie rolled down his window and said,

"Let's get off the corner people."

A few glances, but no one moved, so he barked again...

"I SAID, let's get off that corner... NOW!"

Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled stares in his direction.

Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked,

"Well, how did I do?"

Pretty good," chuckled the vet,

"especially since this is a bus stop!"

------

A young journalism student at the University of Tennessee

was assigned to write a human interest story.

He went into the mountains to do some research.

There, he found an old farmer sitting on his porch, introduced himself,

and explained his mission.

The young man asked, "Has anything ever happened around here that made you really happy?"
After a moment, the farmer said,

"Yeah, one time my neighbour's daughter, a fine looking gal, got lost.

We formed a posse and found her.

After we all made love with her, we took her back home."
"I can't print that!" the young man exclaimed.

"Can't you think of anything else that happened that made you happy?"
The farmer thought for a minute and smiled,

"Yep! One time a neighbour's sheep got lost.

We formed a posse and found it.

Then we all made love with it, and then took it back home."
Again, the young man said, "I can't print that, either.

Let's try another approach.

Has anything ever happened around here that made you really sad?"
The old farmer dropped his head as if he were ashamed,

and after a few seconds he looked up timidly at the young man and said,

"This one time, I got lost."
------------------------

A tourist walked into a pet store and was looking at the animals on display.

While he was there, an officer from the local USAF base walked in

and said to the shopkeeper

"I'll take a 6114 monkey, please.

"The shopkeeper nodded, went to a cage at the side of the store and took out a monkey.

He put a collar and leash on the animal and handed it the officer, saying,

"That'll be $2,000, please."

The officer paid and left with the monkey.

The surprised tourist went to the shopkeeper and said,

"That was a very expensive monkey.

Most of them are only a few hundred pounds.

Why did that one cost so much?"

The shopkeeper answered,

"Ah, that 6114 monkey, he can rig aircraft flight controls,

score 300 on the Army Personal Fitness Test,

set up a perimeter defence and perform the duties of any warrant officer

with no back talk or complaints.

It's well worth the money".

The tourist then spotted a monkey in another cage.

"That one's even more expensive! $10,000! What does it do?" he asked."

Oh, that one" replied the shopkeeper.

"That's a "Maintenance Supervisor" monkey.

It can instruct at all levels of maintenance, supervise maintenance at the unit,

intermediate, and Depot level, and even do most of the paperwork.

A very useful monkey indeed".

The tourist looked around a little longer and found a third monkey in a cage.

The price tag was $50,000.

The shocked tourist exclaimed, "This one costs more than all the others put together!

What in the world can it do???"

"Actually"- said the shopkeeper-

"I've never actually seen him do anything

but drink beer and play with his little willy,

but his papers say… he's a Pilot."

-We work like a horse.

We eat like a pig.

We like to play chicken.

You can get on someone's goat.

We can be as slippery as a snake.

We get dog tired.

We can be as quiet as a mouse.

We can be as quick as a cat.

Some of us are as strong as an ox.

Some are as ugly as a toad.

We can be as gentle as a lamb.

Sometimes we are as happy as a lark.

Some of us drink like a fish.

We can be as proud as a peacock.

A few of us are as hairy as a gorilla.

You can get a frog in your throat.

We can be a lone wolf.

But I'm having a whale of a time!-----------

Now I know a lot of you like me posting some nostalgia video's

So here we go

Kevin Johnson...Rock and Roll I gave you the best years of my life

Ricky Nelson.........Hello Mary Lou

And today we learnt of the passing of Teresa Brewer

Here she is with a medley of her hits

Teresa Brewer

70

69


Since the last blog Prime Minister John Howard has announced that we will be voting on November 24th. Be prepared for 6 weeks of gibberish from all concerned

The biggest story to break this week has been the Ben Cousins saga[West Coast Eagles footballer] He got his just desserts yesterday when the Eagles hierachy finaly sacked him after his latest discretion with the law. Ifeel for the other players of the club who have must be feeling the flak from all this



During the week we lost a soldier in Afghanistan

RIP..... Trooper Daryl Pearce







In the Eastern rural area's of Australia ,some of our farmers are having the most severe and harshest drought for many years

The following poem was sent to me by my good friend Noel Trevaskis

There are some notes about the poet at the end


RAIN FROM NOWHERE


His cattle didn't get a bid; they were fairly bloody poor,

What was he going to do? He couldn't feed them anymore,

The dams were all but dry, hay was thirteen bucks a bale,

Last month's talk of rain was just a fairytale,

His credit had run out, no chance to pay what's owed,

Bad thoughts ran through his head as he drove down Gully Road

"Geez, great grandad bought the place back in 1898,

"Now I'm such a useless bastard, I'll have to shut the gate.

"Can't support my wife and kids, not like dad and those before,

"Christ, Grandma kept it going while Pop fought in the war."

With depression now his master, he abandoned what was right,

There's no place in life for failures, he'd end it all tonight.

There were still some things to do, he'd have to shoot the cattle first,

Of all the jobs he'd ever done, that would be the worst.

He'd have a shower, watch the news, then they'd all sit down for tea

Read his kids a bedtime story, watch some more TV,

Kiss his wife good night, say he was off to shoot some roos

Then in a paddock far away he'd blow away the blues.

But he drove in the gate and stopped - as he always had

To check the roadside mailbox - and found a letter from his Dad.

Now his dad was not a writer, Mum did all the cards and mail

But he knew the style from the notebooks that he used at cattle sales,

He sensed the nature of its contents, felt moisture in his eyes,

Just the fact his dad had written was enough to make him cry.

"Son, I know it's bloody tough, it's a cruel and twisted game,

"This life upon the land when you're screaming out for rain,

"There's no candle in the darkness, not a single speck of light

"But don't let the demon get you, you have to do what's right,

"I don't know what's in your head but push the bad thoughts well away

"See, you'll always have your family at the back end of the day

"You have to talk to someone, and yes I know I rarely did

"But you have to think about Fiona and think about the kids.

"I'm worried about you son, you haven't rung for quite a while,

"I know the road you're on 'cause I've walked every bloody mile.

"The date? December 7 back in 1983,

"Behind the shed I had the shotgun rested in the brigalow tree.

"See, I'd borrowed way too much to buy the Johnson place

"Then it didn't rain for years and we got bombed by interest rates,

"The bank was at the door, I didn't think I had a choice

"I began to squeeze the trigger - that's when I heard your voice.

"You said 'Where are you Daddy? It's time to play our game'

"' I've got Squatter all set up, you might get General Rain.'

"It really was that close, you're the one that stopped me son,

"And you're the one that taught me there's no answer in a gun.

"Just remember people love you, good friends won't let you down.

"Look, you might have to swallow pride and get a job in town,

"Just 'til things come good, son, you've always got a choice

"And when you get this letter ring me, 'cause I'd love to hear yourvoice."

Well he cried and laughed and shook his head then put the truck in gear,

Shut his eyes and hugged his dad in a vision that was clear,

Dropped the cattle at the yards, put the truck away

Filled the troughs the best he could and fed his last ten bales of hay.

Then he strode towards the homestead, shoulders back and head held high,

He still knew the road was tough but there was purpose in his eye.

He called for his wife and children, who'd lived through all his pain,

Hugs said more than words - he'd come back to them again,

They talked of silver linings, how good times always follow bad,

Then he walked towards the phone, picked it up and rang his Dad.

And while the kids set up the Squatter, he hugged his wife again,

Then they heard the roll of thunder and they smelt the smell of rain.





Murray Hartin February 21, 2007

Muzza (Murray Hartin) has been asked to pen something for the Salvation Army

that can bring awareness to the general public about Rural suicide.

He came up with this poem which I think is exceptional,














On a lighter note
Pretty neat prank







Why Men can't fly












Back to our upcoming elections

4days into a 6 week campaign and already Ihad a gutful of the crap

One becomes tuned out and this Ihave done already

Apathy has set in.

switch channels [thank god for remotes]and flick thru the pages and pages of dribble in the newspapers

Now Iam not picking on John Howard ,he is just a nice, easy target

If Labour win the election then we will pick on them

Politicans are fair game

For the next six weeks every polly , TV presenter and journalist should be issued

with one of these


And thats the last you will hear about the elections on this blog until its all over....Boring

Gladys Dunn recently moved into a retirement community in a small town.0

One beautiful Sunday morning she walked down the street

to a church not far from her apartment.

Gladys was in awe of the big beautiful church building as she stepped

inside to attend the worship service.

Gladys however, wasn't too impressed with the sermon.

She thought itwas kind of boring and,

as she looked around the church,

she noticed that many of the members were nodding off.

When the preacher finished his sermon he encouraged the

congregation to greet those sitting close by.

Gladys turned toward the man sitting on her left.

He, too, had fallen asleep and was yawning

and stretching trying to wake up.

He smiledat her, and Gladys returned the smile.

She politely offered her hand and said,

"I'm Gladys Dunn."

"You and me both!" the man replied.

[Stolen from Big Shot Bob in Texas]

Every one loves a Pepsi

Old and Tired

Tired Man

My Perfect Woman

...Spotted at this years Ocktoberfest in Germany

She can put her Beers on my table anytime

Cartoons for those who need help

[pinched from Miss Cellania]

Cool Cloud Photo

Mission Impossible

Stupidity

68
It has been a glorious, sunny spring weekend of weather here in the West
At long last we may have seen the end of the rain for awhile
Temperatures in the high 20's [celsius]
Almost time crank up the barbie and get the old beach towel out

Dancing Chimps

Saw this on Miss Cellania's site ...Just for you Fred Rea

Barry and Stuart...Walking on water

If you can't work out how this done let me know and Iwill tell you

If you do know .post a comment and tell me and we will see if you are correct

--------

A man arrives at Ben Gurion International Airport in Israel with twolarge bags.

A customs agent stops him, opens one bag and finds it full with money in different currencies.

The agent asks the passenger: "How did you get this money?"

The man says: "You will not believe it, but I traveled all over Europe

and went into all the public restrooms that I could.

Eachtime I saw a man pee, I grabbed his organ and said, "Donate money to Israel

or I will cut off your balls."

The customs agent is stunned and mumbles:

"Well...it's a very interesting story............. What do you have in the other bag?"

The man says: "You would not believe how many people in Europe do not support Israel.

-----

SHOPPING WITH THE WIFE

A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and
Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.

"Look at their reserve, their calm,"muses the Brit.

"They must be British."
"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're n a k e d, and so beautiful.
Clearly, they are French."
"No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out,

"they have only an apple
to eat, and they're being told this is paradise.

They are Russian."




Paddy and his wife were in bed trying to get to sleep when the neighbours
dog began to bark.

After 15 minutes of constant barking, Paddy bounds out of bed.

"I'm going to go and see about that dog".
Not five minutes later Paddy is back in bed,

and the dog can still be heard barking.

His wife says, "Paddy your back, what did you Do?"

Paddy says,

"I put him in our yard.

Let them put up with it for a while."



It's election time in Australia soon , so this is very apt

Little Johnny will try anything

Blonde Pole dancing

[Thanks Fred Rea]

Deep within a forest, a little turtle began to climb a tree.

After hours of effort, he reached the top,

jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground.

After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground.

The turtle tried again and again,

while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts.

Finally, the female bird turned to her mate.

"Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."

This guy goes to visit his doctor and says,

"Doctor, my arm hurts real bad.

Can you check it out, please?"

The doctor rolls up the man's sleeve and suddenly hears the arm talk:

"Hello, Doctor," says the arm, "could you lend me twenty dollars? I'm desperate.

"The doctor says,

"Aha, I see the problem!

Your arm is broke."



CARTOON OF THE WEEK

10 Year old Blues

A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

"I don't want to know," the child said, bursting into tears.

"Promise me you won't tell me."

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech.

At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech.

When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.

If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid,

I'll have nothing left to live for"
[Thanks to Glynis Geen and Chris Bone who both sent this to me]

Animals around the world are losing their habitat due to climate change

By chosing a hybrid or fuel efficient car you can help prevent this

A lion was roaming an African jungle.

He was terribly hungry.

Soon, he came across two men sitting under a tree.

One was pounding away on a typewriter.

The other was reading a book.

The lion devoured the man reading the book.

He avoided the writer.

Even lions know...

...that readers digest and writers cramp.


Misc Cartoons

The Art of Dating
Chineses Piaomei

First date You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens.

Second date You buy her an even more expensive dinner. Again, Nothing Happens!

Third date You usually don't get up to third date beacuse you are smart enough to realize that nothing is ever going to happen

INDIAN MINACHI

First date Meet her parents.

Second date Set the date of the wedding.

Third date Wedding night

MALAY MINYAH

First date You get to kiss her goodnight.

Second date You get to grope all over and make out a bit.

Third Date She moves in. One week later, her father,

her 4 mothers, her 18 sisters, her 20 brothers, all of their kids,

her 16 grandmas, her father's girlfriend's mother,

her 268 cousins all move in.

But don't worry you can repeat this 4 times. ;-)

WHITE MARY

First Date You both get drunk and have sex.

Second Date You both get drunk and have sex.

20th Anniversary You both get drunk and have sex.

ARAB AL-KATIJAH

First Date Mother, Father, Brothers, Sisters, Cousins, Aunts, Uncles, Friends

and entire arab community finds out.

Second Date You are shot dead.

Third date Not Applicable

[Thanks Pushpa]

Today's music is two videos from Abba

One of the most suceesful groups worldwide in their prime

They are third in the world with record sales of over 370 million

Only Elvis Presley and The Beatles have had more sales

ABBA...I have a dream

Just love the part towards the end when the sing with all those kids

This second video Ihave posted before

Here is the Karaoke version, so you can sit in front of your computer and sing along with them

Go on you can do it

ABBA.......Chiquitita