149



As mentioned in the last post, the Pope visited Australia last week
One of the highlights of his visit was last Thursday.
Over 100,000 young people fromall over the globe attended World Youth Day
Below is one of the Tshirts that were available to purchase


I've been touched by the Pope Down Under
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Banned Aussie Tv Ad
One day your gunna get caught




Funny Aussie animals






The Popular Mule
A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother,
who immediately demanded an inspection of the place.
While they were walking through the barn,
the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head,
killing her instantly.
At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket
and greeted folks as they walked by.
The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer,
he would nod his head "Yes" and say something.
Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer,
he would shake his head, "No" and mumble a reply.
Curious, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about.
The farmer replied, ''The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy'
and I would nod my head and say,
'Yes, it was.'
The men would ask, 'You wanna sell that mule?'
and I would shake my head and say,
'Can't. It's all booked up for a year.'"
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Cartoons......Misc

There are just over seven months until the American election that will decide

the next President of the United States.

The person elected will be the president of all Americans,

not just the Democrats or the Republicans.

Americans, show your solidarity!

You should all get together and show each other your support for the candidate of your choice. It’s time that you all came together,

Democrats and Republicans alike:

If you support the policies and character of Barack Obama,

please drive with your headlights on during the day.
If you support John McCain,

please drive with your headlights off at night.

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A Russian who had lived through the rule of Nicholas II,

who ended czarism for good by abdicating in 1917, when communism began,

was telling the story of his hard life to a sympathetic group in an inn,

in return for which he was being provided with vodka in large measure.

"Ahh" said the peasant, "it's good to taste that good spirit again.

When I was a young man, although there should have been plenty of food and drink

to go around, Nicholas II would waste it all on gluttony

and feasts for all his noble friends,

leaving us peasants and serfs to scramble for food

in the gutters of Moscow and St Petersburg.

"He shook his head and sighed.

"Yes, I was born under a squandering Czar!"

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Its under here somewhere!!!!!!!!!!!!

Save the last dance for me
The Drifters

Michael Buble

I love Mommy

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.

With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared

to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared,

"Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem."
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast,

there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
"Gee, Mom," he exclaimed. "For me?"
"Just take two," Brenda replied.

"The rest are for your father."

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Limo ......home on wheels

What's the worst thing about being an atheist?

You don't have anybody totalk to when you're having sex

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The Blonde and the Mechanic..........
The blonde's car was making a funny noise, so she took it in to the garage

down the street from where she worked, then walked back to the office.

She told her friend,

'I'm getting the car seen to because it makes this funny clicking noise

.''Let me know how you make out,' her friend said.

'I'm afraid the mechanic is going to rip you off because you're a woman.'

At lunchtime, the garage called to say her car was ready.

She walked down and picked it up,

then drove to the restaurant where she was meeting her friend.

As she sat down to eat, her friend asked,

'Well,how did it go?''

The mechanic was very nice, and very honest, too

.''He didn't rip you off?

''No. He said it was an easy fix and only charged me $20.

All I needed was some turn signal fluid.'

stolen from Big Shot Bob in Texas

148
I'm a Snap Dragon

Coke wins this round with a great video

The Pope is in Australia this week

So here is a Pope joke

The Pope Arrives in Heaven............
The Pope arrives in heaven, where St. Peter awaits him.

St. Peter asks who he is.

The Pope: 'I am the pope.'

St. Peter: 'Who? There's no such name in my book.'

The Pope: 'I'm the representative of God on Earth.'

St.Peter: 'Does God have a representative? He didn't tell me ...'

The Pope: 'But I am the leader of the Catholic Church ...'

St. Peter: 'The Catholic church ... Never heard of it ... Wait, I'll check with the boss.'

St. Peter walks away through Heaven's Gate to talk with God.

St. Peter: 'There's a dude standing outside who claims he's your representative on earth.'

God: 'I don't have a representative on earth, not that I know of ...

Wait, I'll ask Jesus.' (yells for Jesus)

Jesus: 'Yes father, what's up?'

God and St. Peter explain the situation.

Jesus: 'Wait, I'll go outside and have a little chat with that fellow.'

Ten minutes pass and Jesus re-enters the room laughing out loud.

After a few minutes St. Peter asks Jesus why he's laughing.

Jesus: 'Remember that fishing club I've started 2000 years ago?

It still exists!'

stolen from Big Shot Bob in Texas

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Microsoft Use

Where did I put the soap??

Are you scared of heights???

Republican
This little old lady calls 911.

When the operator answers she yells,

"Help, send the police to my house right away!

There's a damn Democrat on my front porch and he's playing with himself."

"What?" the operator exclaimed.

"I said there is a damn Democrat on my front porch playing with himself and he's weird;

I don't know him and I'm afraid! Please send the police!" the little old lady repeated.

"Well, now, how do you know he's a Democrat?"

"Because, you damn fool, if it was a Republican,

he'd be screwing somebody!"

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Durex

Can't find the key??

Here it is!!!

Blue Bayou
Roy Orbison

Linda Ronstadt

Cartoons.......Seniors

Three Bulgarians -

Hristo, Vladko and Gyorgi -

were discussing the first thing they would do if they were ever freed of the communist yoke. Gyorgi said he would run to the border and kiss the ground – the earth of freedom.

Vladko said he would run and run and wouldn’t stop until he reached Paris.

Then he would kiss the stones on the Champs Elysees.

Hristo sat silent. Thoughtful.

Finally he was prodded…

Hey Hristo, what would you do?

Hristo answered.

I would climb the nearest tree.

Why would you do such a silly thing said Vladko.

To which Hristo replied.

It is the only way to avoid getting trampled to death.

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I wonder what's inside???

No, its not the chimp Tiger Woods

Its the club professional at the Gosnells Golf Club

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden.

He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was.

Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature

through such innocent eyes.

Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.

He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention.

He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.

"They're mating," her father replied.

"What do you call the spider on top?" she asked.

"That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered.

"So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.

As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question

He replied, "No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."

The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment,

then took her foot and stomped them flat.

"Well, we're not having any of that gay shit in our garden" she said.

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Viagra

Billboards

This one is at Brisbane airport, so I'm told

Husband asks ,

“Do you know the meaning of WIFE?

?“Without Information Fighting Everytime”

Wife replies

,” No, It means

,“With Idiot For Ever !!!”

stolen from Florida 5708

147
Just to make sure your paying attention, do this
Awareness test
Awareness Test



I always knew the Scots were a little mad
Don't try any of these at home




An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman go into a pub.
They all suffer from a severe stutter.
'What's it to be ?' asks the stunningly beautiful landlady.
'Th th th th th th three pi pi pi pi pi..................'says the Englishman.
Up steps the Irishman. 'Threeee p pints of of of of gui gui gui gui..............'
Then the Scotsman tries.'Th th th th th th th th th th th th th th...............'
'Oh bugger this !' says the beautiful landlady and walks away to serve someone else.
She returns ten minutes later and asks if they are ready to order yet.
'Th th th th th th three pi pi pi pi pi', stutters the Englishman.
'Three pints of gui gui gui gui.........' tries Paddy.
And then Scotty starts 'Th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th...........'.
'Look' says the beautiful landlady, who loves a bet,
'If any one of you can answer a question without
stuttering I'll let you make love to me!'
Quite confident that no one will win, she turns to the Englishman.
'Where do you live?'
'M M M M M M M Man Man Man Man Manch Manch Manch.'
'No. You lose.' says the beautiful landlady.
Turning to the Scotsman, she asks, 'Where do you live Scotty?', trying not to laugh.
'E E E E E Ed Ed Ed Edin Edin Edin Edin Edin Edin Edinb.'
'Sorry, you lose.' says the gorgeous woman.
'And Paddy, where do you live?' she purrs at the Irishman.
'London' blurts out the Irishman.
'Oh. Bugger!' says the landlady.
A great cheer goes up in the pub and the landlady reluctantly takes him by
the hand and leads him upstairs.
Once in the bedroom she strips to her underwear, next she takes off her bra
exposing a voluptous bosom.
Finally she slides off her panties then climbs into bed.
Paddy with concentration furrowing his brow,
climbs on and goes for glory,
and then, right at the climaxing
stroke, he suddenly screams out '...............-
D D D D D D D D Derry!!'
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Todays Cartoons

Country and Western Music
Q: what happens if you play country and western music backwards?

A: You get your truck back, you get your dog back,

you get your horse back, you get your girl back, …

eventually you get your life back.

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Caught another one

What can I say!!!!!!...the sign says it all

This fellow checks into a Vegas hotel.

The Doorman hands him his key,

and he gives the Doorman a big tip, and says,

"Listen, can you get me some Italian prostitutes, and send them up to the room?"

Doorman, says, "Oh, yes, Sir. Right away, Sir."

Guy says, "Now, they have to be Italian prostitutes, understand? And,send lots of them."

"Yes sir."

A little later, girls start appearing at the door of his room.

He invites them in.

Turns out he's a vampire.

He drinks their blood and, then, pushes them off the balcony.

The Doorman is going out to get luggage

and is hit several times by the falling bodies.

He tells the manager who calls the police.

The police arrive and question the Doorman, asking him

"What's going on?"

He says, "All I know is ...

drained wops keep falling on my head."
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More Punny Business

A boy came into the house with a sofa on his back.

His father said,

"How many times have I told you not to accept suites from strangers!?"

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Gary Shearston.....Iget a kick out of you





Another candidate for Parent of the year

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals.

So, the monarch offered him his freedom,

as long as he could answer a very difficult question.

Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year,

he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question?...

What do women really want?

Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man,

and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query.

But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition

to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone:

the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester.

He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.
Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.
But the price would be high;

as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.
The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch.

She agreed to answer the question,

but he would have to agree to her price first.
The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot,

the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!
Young Arthur was horrified.

She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth,

smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc.

He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.
He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden;

but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.
He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life

and the preservation of the Round Table.
Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:
What a woman really wants, she answered..

.is to be in charge of her own life.
Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth

and that Arthur's life would be spared
And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom

and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.
The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom.

But, what a sight awaited him.

The most beautiful woman he had ever seen

lay before him on the bed.

The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened
The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch,

she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time

and the beautiful maiden the other half.

Which would he prefer?

Beautiful during the day....or night?
Lancelot pondered the predicament.
During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends,

but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch?

Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day,

but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?
What would YOU do?
What Lancelot chose is below.

BUT....make YOUR choice before you read on!

OKAY?

Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.
Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time

because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.
Now....what is the moral to this story?

Read ON!

The moral is..... If you don't let a woman have her own way...

Things are going to get ugly

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A few funny signs

Bobby Bloom....Montego Bay




Did you know that in the human body there is a nerve that connects the eyeball to the anus?
It’s called the Anal Optic Nerve,

and it is responsible for giving people a shitty outlook on life.
If you don’t believe it,

try to pull a hair from your ass

and see if it doesn’t bring a tear to your eye

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stolen from...........Florida 5708

stolen from.........Bits and Pieces