163

The tale of a flight crew
September 15th 2008
This is an actual incident, which has been hidden from the world press so far.
Its all over the internet now…
The brand spanking new Airbus 340-600, the largest passenger airplane ever built,
sat in its hangar in Toulouse, France without a single hour of airtime.
Enter the Arab flight crew of Abu Dhabi Aircraft Technologies (ADAT) on November 15, 2007 to conduct pre-delivery tests on the ground,
such as engine run-ups, prior to delivery to Etihad Airways in Abu Dhabi.
The ADAT crew taxied the A340-600 to the run-up area.
Then they took all four engines to takeoff power with a virtually empty aircraft.
Not having read the run-up manuals, they had no clue
just how light an empty A340-600 really is.
The takeoff warning horn was blaring away in the cockpit because
they had all 4 engines at full power.
The aircraft computers thought they were trying to takeoff but
it had not been configured properly (flaps/slats, etc.)
Then one of the ADAT crew decided to pull the circuit breaker on
the Ground Proximity Sensor to silence the alarm.
This fools the aircraft into thinking it is in the air.
The computers automatically released all the brakes and set the aircraft rocketing forward.
The ADAT crew had no idea that this is a safety feature
so that pilots can’t land with the brakes on.
Not one member of the seven-man Arab crew was smart enough to
throttle back the engines from their max power20setting,
so the $200 million brand-new aircraft crashed into a blast barrier, totaling it.
The extent of injuries to the crew is unknown,
for there has been a news blackout in the major media in France and elsewhere.
Coverage of the story was deemed insulting to Moslem Arabs.
Finally, the photos are starting to leak out.

Sarcastic One Liners
1. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
2. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
3. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
4. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
5. Does your train of thought have a caboose?
6. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
7. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
8. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
9. See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
10. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
11. A woman’s favorite position is CEO.
12. I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.
13. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
14. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven’t fallen asleep yet.
15. Can I trade this job for what’s behind door number 1?
16. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
17. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
18. Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I’m wrong.
19. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
20. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
21. Never trust a dog to watch your food.
22. Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
23. If At First You Don’t Succeed, Blame Someone Else And SeekCounseling.
24. You’re Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me.

162

Things you need to know

1. Walter Cavanaugh, "Mr. Plastic Fantastic," has 1,196 different valid credit cards.

2. The oldest known goldfish lived to 41 years of age. Its name was Fred.

3. In 1987, a 1,400-year-old lump of still-edible cheese was unearthed inIreland.

4. There is a town in Newfoundland, Canada called Dildo.

5. In Kentucky, 50% of the people who get married for the first time are teenagers.

6. Kotex was first manufactured as bandages, during WWI.

7. If an orangutan belches at you, watch out. He's warning you to stay out of his territory.

8. Einstein couldn't speak fluently when he was nine. His parents thought he might be retarded.

9. In Los Angeles, there are fewer people than there are automobiles.

10. About a third of all Americans flush the toilet while they're still sitting on it.
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Heard this on the radio today and looked for it on You Tube and there it was

George Burns....I wish Iwas 18 again

Cop's "flea" Police Station

September 16th...Northern Territory News

POLICE have been forced to clear out of the main city station after a prisoner caused a flea infestation.
The Northern Territory News understands a suspect was brought into custody at Darwin city watchhouse - on Knuckey St - early last week "with a horde of unwanted guests".
A source said the flea-ridden suspect caused an infestation in a police van and the watchhouse.
Officers were told to tuck their pants into their socks and wear gloves at all times. They were also required to have a hot shower after each shift.
Police were finally forced to abandon the station after a week of intense scratching.
"Officers started complaining mid-last week. They had localised irritation," the source said. "Initially, management dismissed it, but when more officers complained, they brought in an expert."
The expert discovered the infestation and required chemicals to be sent up from Adelaide to allow police to return to the abandoned station. The police van was also quarantined and separately fumigated.
An email was sent to police on Friday advising of the infestation and the station was closed on Sunday.
The source said he was concerned about the repercussions of the infestation.
"There might be other people who have been affected," the source said.
Police spokeswoman Amy Sloan confirmed the watchhouse shut its doors at 3pm on Sunday for fumigation. It is expected to reopen this afternoon.

Vicious

A picture of the suspect wanted for questioning over the infestation

of the Darwin Police Station

The suspect is described as small in stature and bitey

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Military research

A soldier at the Pentagon got out of the shower, and realized that his clothes were missing.

While searching around for them, he accidentally locked himself out of the locker room,

and he found himself completely naked in the halls of the world''s most powerful military organization HQ.

But, luckily, no one was around to see him.

So, he ran as fast as he could to the elevator.

When it arrived, it was empty.

He breathed a sigh of relief and got in.

When the doors opened on his floor, there was no one waiting outside.

"This must be my lucky day," he said to himself.

He was now only a few yards from his office.

Suddenly, he heard footsteps coming from around the corner.

He heard the General''s voice.

There was no way he'd make it to his door in time,

so he ducked into the closest office available,

and found himself in the laboratory for Research & Development.

The Head Scientist looked up from one of her experiments with puzzled interest.

The soldier thought quickly, stood up straight and saluted.

"I am here to report the partial success of the Personal Invisibility Device," he said.

The Head Scientist said.

"You mean the shrink-ray, don't you?"

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Cartoons

Buck Owens and Ringo Starr....Act Naturally

What are these people doing????

Picking cucumbers
Stolen from..... Bits and Pieces

Cousin Elly, a blonde, is the world's worst at getting instructions mixed up.

When she got married her husband bought her one of those fancy, electric coffee makers.

It had all the latest gadgets on it.

Salesman Riley carefully explained how everything worked;

how to plug it in, set the timer, go to bed, and upon rising, the coffee is ready.

A few weeks later Elly was back in the store

and Riley asked her how she liked the coffee maker.

"Wonderful!" she replied,

"However, there's one thing I don't understand.

Why do I have to go to bed every time I want to make a pot of coffee?"
stolen from..............It occurred to me





Bare/Bear Feet

Q: Are fishermen generous?

A: No, their ocupation makes them sell fish.

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Q: What do snake charmers wear around their necks?

A: Boa ties.


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While you are sleeping...the FBI are working

While you are working...the FBI are sleeping

The Purina Diet
I have a Labrador retriever and was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart,

waiting in the check-out line.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works

is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two

every time you feel hungry, as the food is nutritionally complete.

So, I was going to try it again....
...although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time.

But, I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward

with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line

was by now enthralled with my story,

especially a tall heavy man behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd been poisoned.
I told her no;

I'd been sitting in the middle of the street licking my balls and a car hit me.
The tall heavy man who was slurping on a coke proceeded to blow it out his nose.

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The following have been posted at the request of the War Office

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Edelweiss..... Julie Andrews and John Denver

161

Let's see if I understand how the world works lately...

If a man cuts his finger off while slicing salami at work,

He blames the restaurant.

If you smoke three packs a day for 40 years and die of lung cancer,

Your family blames the tobacco company.

If your neighbor crashes into a tree while driving home drunk,

he blames the bartender.

If your grandchildren are brats without manners,

You blame television.

If your friend is shot by a deranged madman,

You blame the gun manufacturer.

And if a crazed person breaks into the cockpit and tries to kill the pilot at 35,000 feet,

and the passengers kill him instead,

the mother of the crazed deceased blames the airline.

I must have lived too long to understand the world as it is anymore

So, if I die while my old, wrinkled butt is parked in front of this computer,

I want you to blame Bill Gates...okay?

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Dumb Cheerleaders

Paris Hilton..You want to buy a bunny

FOR A BIT OF FRUSTRATION

CLICK ON THE BALL -

IT WILL CHANGE COLOUR.

http://mazzanet.id.au/ball.php
thanks Gordon Hamilton



An angel suddenly appears at a faculty meeting and tells the dean of the college that,

in return for his unselfish and exemplary behavior,

he will be given his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom or beauty.

Without hesitating, the dean selects infinite wisdom.

"Done!" says the angel, and disappears in a cloud of smoke and a bolt of lightning.

Now, all heads turn toward the dean, who sits surrounded by a faint halo of light.

At length, one of his colleagues whispers

"Say something wise."

The dean looks at them and says,

"I should have taken the money."






Cartoons.........Seniors

Most people don't know that back in 1912,

Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England.

In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled

for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico,

which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York

This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico

But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York.

The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost.

The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise,

and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss.

Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning,

which they still observe to this day.

The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course,

as Sinko de Mayo

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Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina.

One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor

The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much.

The second one, naturally,

became known as the lesser of two weevils.

Music

Have waited a long time for someone to post this song on You Tube

Chas and Dave..Ain't no pleasing you

this is for my wife




This song was big in Australia and England

but not too sure about the States

Anyway, I saw it recently on You Tube

Just love it.especially the lead singer

Fiddlers Dram....Day trip to Bangor

What can I say!!!!!!!

A few days before his proctological exam,

a one eyed man accidentally swallowed his glass eye.

He was worried for a while, but there were no ill effects, so he forgot about it.

Once he was in the doctor's office,

the man followed instructions, undressed, and bent over.

The first thing the proctologist saw when he looked up the man's backside

was that eye staring right back at him.

"You know," said the doctor, "you really have to learn to trust me."

Michael Jackson is looking for a job

Are you Gay???????

Blonde buys a cat trap

160
I'm Back from holidays up north
Ihave posted a couple of pictures to make you envious
Here is me,[below] holding a 2 year old "salty" at the Broome crocodile park
With that shirt and no shave for a few days, sure look like someone from the back counties of Tennessee. You will notice the crocs jaws are taped, as even at this age he will quickly take off a finger or two

One of his mates at the park

The road into Cape Leveque is unsealed in sections

Took a plane trip over the Horizontal falls

This area has some of the bigggest tides in the world

8-10 Metre tides are not uncommon

The tide turnaround is about 6 hours

You can ride thru these by boat or raft if you have the dollars

approaching Cape Leveque by air [2000ft]

you can just make out the lighthouse and part of the road to the resort


A couple of the 9 mango crabs we caught

These little buggers will take off your fingers and toes also if your not careful

Very muddy exercise to catch these as you have to trudge thru the mangroves at low tide

But very yummy

Post a Comment


AFL [Football] is over for another year with my team

not making the finals[playoffs]

So, its mothballs until 2009

The Pope Visits Alaska
The Pope took a couple of days off to visit the mountains of Alaska for some sight-seeing.

He was cruising along the campground in the Pope mobile when there

was a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods.

A helpless Democrat, wearing sandals, shorts, a "Save the Whales" hat,

and a "To Hell with Bush" T-shirt, was screaming while struggling frantically,

thrashing around trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10 foot grizzly.
As the Pope watched horrified, a group of Republican loggers came racing up.

One quickly fired a .44 magnum into the bear's chest...

The other two reached up and pulled the bleeding,

semiconscious Democrat from the bear's grasp.

Then using long clubs, the three loggers finished off the bear

and two of them threw it onto the bed of their truck while the

other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.
As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come over.

"I give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he told them.

"I heard there was a bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic Environmental activists but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true."
As the Pope drove off, one of the loggers asked his buddies

"Who was that guy?"
"It was the Pope," another replied.

"He's in direct contact with heaven and has access to all wisdom."
"Well," the logger said,

"he may have access to all wisdom but he sure doesn't know anything about bear hunting!

By the way, is the bait holding up,

or do we need to go back to Vermont and snatch another one?

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KIWI Bacon

thanks Jammo

--------------------------------------------

Which Way???????????

Four Year Old Logic

I was talking to this little girl, Catherine, the daughter of some friends.

She said she wanted to be President someday.

Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there with us.

I asked Catherine - 'If you were President what would be the first thing you would do?'

Catherine replied - 'I would give houses to all the Homeless people.

''Wow - what a worthy goal you have there, Catherine.' I told her,

'You don't have to wait until you're President to do that,

you can come over to my house and clean up all the dog poop in my back yard

and I will pay you $5 dollars.

Then, we can go over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out,

and you can give him the $5 dollars to use for a new house.

Catherine (who was about 4) thought that over for a second,

while her Mom looked at me seething.

Catherine replied,

'Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and clean up the dog poop

and you can just pay him the $5 dollars?'

And I said,

'Welcome to the Republican Party'.



Australia's dangerous creature...Blue ringed Octopus

Note: if you encounter the creature above(blue ringed octopus) whilst snorkeling off the coast of Australia (HQ of evil venomous things), snorkel away very quickly.

Part of the pretty but deadly animal group

.With a beak that can penetrate a wet-suit,

they are one little cute creature to definitely look at

BUT Don't touch.

The bite might be painless, but this octopus injects a neuromuscular paralyzing venom.

The venom contains some maculotoxin,

a poison more violent than any found on land animals.

The nerve conduction is blocked and neuromuscular paralysis is followed by death.

The victim might be saved if artificial respiration starts before

marked cyanosis and hypotension develops.

The blue-ringed octopus is the size of a golf ball

but its poison is powerful enough to kill an adult human in minutes.

There's no known antidote.

The only treatment is hours of heart massage and artificial respiration

until the poison has worked its way out of your system.

The venom contains tetrodotoxin, which blocks sodium channels and causes motor paralysis

and occasionally respiratory failure.

Though with fixed dilated pupils, the senses of the patients are often intact.

The victims are aware but unable to respond.

Although the painless bite can kill an adult,

injuries have only occurred when an octopus has been picked out of its pool

and provoked or stepped on.

SYMPTOMS
Onset of nausea.
Hazy Vision. ( Within seconds you are blind.)
Loss of sense of touch, speech and the ability to swallow.
Within 3 minutes, paralysis sets in and your body goes into respiratory arrest.
The poison is not injected but is contained in the octopus's saliva,

which comes from two glands each as big as its brain.

Poison from the one is used on its main prey, crabs, and is relatively harmless to humans.

Poison from the other gland serves as defense against predators.

The blue-ringed octopus either secretes the poison in the vicinity of its prey,

waits until it is immobile and then devours it,

'or it jumps out and envelops the prey in its 8 tentacles and bites it.

"I'm in love with my horse," the nervous man told his psychiatrist.

"Nothing to worry about," the psychiatrist consoled.

"Many people are fond of animals.

As a matter of fact, my wife and I have a dog that we are very attached to."

"But, doctor," continued the troubled patient,

"I feel ummm,... *physically* attracted to my horse!"

"Hmmm," the doctor asked,

"Is it male or female?"

"Female, of course!" the man replied.

"What do you think I am...GAY?"

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Some magic from Penn and Teller





Here is something to drive you crazy

Did you play memory games when you were younger

Try this

If you bomb out,

just click cancel and then ok and you can restart

http://www.random-good-stuff.com/game/game/memory-v/

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Cartoons

A couple of songs that got a hammering on the CD Player on the trip north

The Turtles



Edison Lighthouse

·A LITTLE MORE· · ·

I was nervous the night my husband and I brought our three young· sons to an up market restaurant for the first time.

My husband ordered·a bottle of wine with the meal.

When the waitress brought it, our children became quiet as she began the ritual uncorking.

She poured a small amount for me to taste,

and then our six-year-old piped up,
"Mom usually drinks a lot more than that!"

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Bungling British burglar left dangling by his shoelaces:

"As a burglar, John Pearce thinks nothing of turning his victims' homes upside down.

But this time it was the house that turned him the wrong way up.

Attempting a daylight raid, the 32-year-old somehow got his foot caught

after smashing his way through the front window of a Victorian terrace home at 6pm.

Unable to free himself, Pearce was left hanging upside down in the window frame

for more than an hour as a crowd of 30 neighbours and passers-by

gathered to ridicule him in Dartford, Kent.

When owner Paul Ives arrived home from work,

Pearce, who was armed with a hammer,

tried to claim that he had spotted someone else trying to raid the house

and had selflessly attempted to catch the scoundrel, getting stuck in the process.

Unsurprisingly, Mr Ives didn't believe his story and declined to set him free.

Police and paramedics arrived on the scene and eventually managed

to release Pearce's shoe and haul him down.

It is believed that the lace in one of his trainers became caught in the window frame

as he tried to clamber through.

He was arrested, handcuffed and taken to the police station".
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HIDDEN COMPLEMENT· ·

Shawn was sitting in his usual place at the table, reading the paper during breakfast.

He came across an article about a beautiful actress who was about to marry a football player known primarily for his lack of I.Q. and common knowledge. · ·

He turned to his wife with a look of bewilderment on his face and said

"I'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives."

His wife replied, "Why, thank you, dear."