189


Christmas is supposed to be a time of joy, peace, love, hope and goodwill to all.
But I know, everybody knows, things aren’t just like that.
What a difference it would make if we were willing to have less,
so that others could have enough.

http://www.ekincaglar.com/coin/flash.html

Watch this video
The vision maybe a couple of years old
But the message remains the same
Fact.... If everyone gave 1/10th of the money they spent on Xmas presents.
it would be enough to provide clean drinking water for the whole world

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Have you ever been overseas and some asks,"Where are you from?"
You answer "Australia"
And they say "Austria" , I know it well"



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Finding a Chinese Jew
Sid and Al were sitting in a Chinese restaurant.
"Sid," asked Al, "are there any Jews in China?"
"I don't know," Sid replied.
"Why don't we ask the waiter?"
When the waiter came by, Al asked him,
"Are there any Chinese Jews?"
"I don't know sir, let me ask," the waiter replied, and he went into the kitchen.
He returned in a few minutes and said,
"No, sir. No, Chinese Jews."
"Are you sure?" Al asked.
"I will check again, sir," the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen.
While he was still gone, Sid said,
"I cannot believe there are no Jews in China. Our people are scattered everywhere.
"When the waiter returned he said,
"Sir, no Chinese Jews."
"Are you really sure?" Al asked again.
"I cannot believe there are no Chinese Jews."
"Sir, I ask everyone," the waiter replied exasperated.
"We have Orange Jews, Prune Jews, Tomato Jews and Grape Jews,
but we have no Chinese Jews."
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Keep fit....Exercise


Neck Exercise






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Christmas Lights
Music Box Dancer

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This wife is too jealous
There was once a wife so jealous that when her husband came home one night
and she couldn't find hairs on his jackets she yelled at him,
"Great, so now you're cheating on me with a bald woman!"
The next night, when she didn't smell any perfume, she yelled again by saying,
"She's not only bald, but she's too cheap to buy any perfume!"
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Polish Polar Bear Club


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I HAVE DISCOVERED A CONSPIRACY
A conspiracy Right here in our country.
Have you noticed that stairs are getting steeper. Groceries are heavier.
And, everything is farther away.
Yesterday I walked to the corner and I was dumbfounded to discover how long our street had become!
And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially the young ones.
They speak in whispers all the time!
If you ask them to speak up they just keep repeating themselves,
endlessly mouthing the same silent message until they're red in the face!
What do they think I am, a lip reader?
I also think they are much younger than I was at the same age.
On the other hand, people my own age are so much older than I am.
I ran into an old friend the other day and she has aged so much that
she didn't even recognise me.
I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair this morning,
and in doing so, I glanced at my own reflection.
Well, REALLY NOW - even mirrors are not made the way they used to be!
Another thing, everyone drives so fast these days!
You're risking life and limb if you happen to pull onto the motorway in front of them.
All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast,
the way I see them screech and swerve in my rear view mirror.
Clothing manufacturers are less civilised these days.
Why else would they suddenly start labelling a size 10 or 12 garment as 18 or 20?
Do they think no one notices?
The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the same prank.
Do they think I actually "believe" the number I see on that dial?
HA! I would never let myself weigh that much!
Just who do these people think they're fooling?
I'd like to call up someone in authority to report what's going on --
but the telephone company is in on the conspiracy too;
they've printed the phone books in such small type
that no one could ever find a number in there!
All I can do is pass along this warning:
WE ARE UNDER ATTACK!
Unless something drastic happens,
pretty soon everyone will have to suffer these awful indignities

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Chill Out

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The bride tells her husband,

"Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex.

Can you explain it to me first?"

"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison'

and call my private thing 'the prisoner'.

So what we do is: put the prisoner in the prison.

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."

Turning on his side, he smiles.

"Then we will have to re-imprison him."

After the second time they spent,

the guy reaches for his cigarettes but the girl,

thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him a suggestive smile,

"Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

The man rises to the occasion,

but with the unsteady legs of a recently born foal.

Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."

Limply turning his head, He yells at her,

"Hey, its not a life sentence, OKAY!

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Cartoons....Real Estate

I stole a couple of these from Miss Cellania
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What are the best ten years of an Irishman's life?

Third grade.





Geek Doorbell

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Camel Oasis

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Where the Phrase "You gotta be kiddin' me" Came From

A lot of people ask where the saying "You gotta be kiddin' me" came from.

Here's the story behind it....

Way back, George Washington was crossing the Delaware River with his troops.

They were packed into the boats.

It was extremely dark and storming furiously.

The water was tossing them back and forth.

Finally Washington grabbed Corporal Peters and stationed him

at the front of the boat with a lantern.

He ordered him to keep swinging it so they could see where they were heading.

Corporal Peters stood up braving the wind and driving rain,

swinging the lantern back and forth.

A while later a big gust of wind hit and threw Corporal Peters

and his lantern into the Delaware.

Washington and his troops searched for hours trying to find Corporal Peters but to no avail.

All of them felt terrible, for the Corporal had been one their favorites.

An hour later Washington and his troops landed on the other side,

wet and totally exhausted.

He rallied the troops and told them they must go on.

After awhile, Washington and his men could go no further.

One of his men said, "General, I see lights ahead."

They trudged towards the lights and came upon a huge house there in the woods.

What they didn't know was this was a house of ill repute

hidden in the forest to serve all who came.

General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him.

The door swung open and the madam looked out to see Washington and all his men.

A huge smile came across her face to see so many men standing there.

Washington spoke up,

"Ma'am, I'm General George Washington and these are my men.

We're tired and exhausted and desperately need warmth and comfort for a while.

Again the Madam looked at all the men standing there

and with a broad smile on her face said,

"Well General, you have come to the right place.

We can surely give you warmth and comfort.

How many men do you have?"

Washington said,

"Well ma'am, there are thirty two of us without Peters."

She looked at him and said:

"You gotta be kiddin' me."

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Disclaimer
All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site are understood to be in the public domain. If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them, please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.

188







Guess who????





Its Santa's helper

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Sponsor an Executive





stolen from Sandee @Comedy Plus





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A preacher was telling his congregation that anything they could think of,
old or new, was discussed somewhere in the Bible
and that the entirety of the human experience could be found there.
After the service, he was approached by a man who said,
"Preacher, much to my chagrin, my wife smokes cigarettes.
I don't think you’re going to find THAT mentioned in your Bible!"
The preacher replied that he was sure it must be there somewhere
and that he would look for it.
The following week after the service,
the preacher called the man aside and showed him a passage from
Genesis 24:64 (KJV) which read
,"When Rebekah saw Issac, she lighted off the camel."


Cartoons

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Tom in deep thoughts is very quiet.

Jerry asks, "What iswrong with you, Tom?"

"Please don't ask."

"I'm your best friend. You can talk to me."

"My seven year old son made my secretary pregnant."

"That's not possible."

"No, he did.""How?""He punctured my condoms!"
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Todays "Life" lesson
Inspiring story .....[click on link]
Make sure you read it all to get your life's lesson
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Not many people know it, but the Devil actually wears a wig.

You'd never know if you weren't told - it's a perfect fit.

Anyway, down in the world of fire and brimstone one guy did find out,

and he decided to have a little practical joke.

So one night, he sneaks past the guardian demons and manages

to get all the way into Satan's bed chamber,

whereupon he steals the hair-piece and makes good his escape.
Well, of course the Devil was most displeased by this,

and he rounds up his demons,

and demands to know which of them had been so lazy as to let someone sneak past them. Naturally, none of them owns up, which makes him even madder:

So he calls a general meeting of everyone the underworld: everyone has to attend.
The meeting is held in a huge cavern, and it's absolutely packed

(except for the odd gap in the crowd, where there's a lava-pit or bottomless fissure in the floor). As Satan steps up to speak, everyone sees that he's got no hair,

and peals of laughter start echoing out around the hall.
The devil bellows at them to be quiet, and a deadly hush falls.
"Whoever stole it," he shouts, "had better return it immediately!"

And here he paused for effect...
"Or else there'll be Hell Toupee!"

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There was an old coal miner who loved to paint.

Sadly, he could not afford canvases.

But he found a solution.

He would paint on the walls of his house.

They soon became covered with his paintings.

One day, a group of wayward youths broke in and defaced the paintings.

The youths were soon apprehended and arrested for ...
... corrupting the murals of a miner.

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Pun Toons

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Christmas Lights

Amazing Grace Techno


stolen from Sandee @Comedy Plus

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Since the wife is eight months into her pregnancy,

the husband has to sleep on the floor to avoid any regrettable mistake,

which might happen pretty easily,

for he has been desperate for sex for quite a while now...

Just before lying down on the bed,

she glances at him and sees the poor guy curled up on the floor,

eyes stare widely into the empty air, filled with hopeless desire...

Feeling sorry for her husband, she opens the top drawer of
the cabinet, takes out a fifty dollar bill, and gives it to him.
She says... "Awww, honey you're so depressed...

Here, take this and go to the woman next door,

and she will let you sleep with her tonight...

But remember that this happens only once... Ok?...
Don't think about it or ask me to do this again."

The husband rolls his eyes in disbelief,

but afraid that she may change her mind,

he grabs the money and leaves quickly.

A few minutes later, he returns, hands the bill back to the wife

and says with much disappointment,

"She said this is not enough, she wants sixty dollars...

"The wife's face slowly turns red with anger --
"Damn that bitch...

When SHE was pregnant...
I only charged her husband fifty!"

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The human body is a machine that is full of wonder.

This collection of human body facts will leave you wondering why

in the heck we were designed the way we were.
-Scientists say the higher your I.Q. The more you dream.
-The largest cell in the human body is the female egg and the smallest is the male sperm.
-You use 200 muscles to take one step.
-The average woman is 5 inches shorter than the average man.
-Your big toes have two bones each while the rest have three.
-A pair of human feet contain 250,000 sweat glands.
-A full bladder is roughly the size of a soft ball.
-The acid in your stomach is strong enough to dissolve razorblades.
-The human brain cell can hold 5 times as much information as the Encyclopedia Britannica.
-It takes the food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
-The average human dream lasts 2-3 seconds.
-Men without hair on their chests are more likely to getcirrhosis of the liver than men with hair.
-At the moment of conception, you spent about half an hour as asingle cell.
-There is about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
-Your body gives off enough heat in 30 minutes to bring half agallon of water to a boil.
-The enamel in your teeth is the hardest substance in your body.
-Your teeth start developing (in your gums) 6 months before youare born.
-When you are looking at someone you love, your pupils dilate,they do the same when you are looking at someone you hate.
-Blondes have more hair than dark-haired people.
-Your thumb is the same length of your nose.
At this very moment I know full well you are putting this last fact to the test.
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Some Cute Bear Pictures

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Oh....to be young again!!!!!

My fellow blogger Gran over at Gran Speaks

has been putting the final scences from movies on her blog

Here is my contribution

Don't be offended its just so funny

Always look on the Bright side of Life ["Life of Brian"]



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Disclaimer
All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site are understood to be in the public domain. If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them, please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.

187

· Cleanin chickens
Late again," the third-grade teacher said to little Sammy.
"It ain't my fault," Miss Crabtree.

"You can blame this on my Daddy.

The reason I'm three hours late is Daddy sleeps naked!"
Now Miss Crabtree had taught grammar school for thirty-some-odd years.

So she asked little Sammy what he meant by that, despite her mounting fears.

Full of grins and mischief, and in the flower of his youth, little Sammy

and trouble were old friends, but he always told the truth.
"You see, Miss Crabtree, at the ranch we got this here lowdown coyote.

The last few nights he done et six hens and killed Ma's best milk goat.

And last night, when Daddy heard a noise out in the chicken pen,

he grabbed his gun and said to Ma,

"That coyote's back again, I'm a gonna git him!'"
'Stay back, he yelled to all us kids!"

He was naked as a jaybird, no boots, no pants, no shirt!
To the hen house he crawled, just like an Injun on the snoop.

Then he stuck that double barrel through the window of the coop.

As he stared into the darkness, with coyotes on his mind,

our old hound dog Zeke had done woke up and come asneakin' up behind Daddy.

Then as we all looked on plumb helpless old Zeke

stuck that cold nose in Daddy's crack!
"Miss Crabtree, we been cleanin' chickens since three o'clock this mornin'

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Lottery 911 call

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Defining Divorce
One guy to another, “Last week I took the first step towards getting divorced.”
“Did you see a lawyer?”
“No, I got married.”
Thanks Duke

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The Magic Finger

Click here then click on fingers
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Cartoons

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Hats off to the Canadians

Highway of Heroes


Thanks Don H

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I can't think of any

Grocery shopping
A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl in her basket.

As they passed the cookie section,

the child asked for cookies and her mother told her "no."

The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly,

"Now Ellen, we just have half of the aisles left to go through; don't be upset. It won't be long."

He passed the Mother again in the candy aisle.

Of course, the little girl began to shout for candy.

When she was told she couldn't have any, she began to cry.

The mother said, "There, there, Ellen, don't cry

. Only two more aisles to go, and then we'll be checking out."

The man again happened to be behind the pair at the check-out,

where the little girl immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a

terrible tantrum upon discovering there would be no gum purchased today.

The mother patiently said,

"Ellen, we'll be through this check out stand in five minutes,

and then you can go home and have a nice nap."

The man followed them out to the parking lot

and stopped the woman to compliment her.

"I couldn't help noticing how patient you were with little Ellen..

."The mother broke in,

"My little girl's name is Tammy... I'm Ellen
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Finally

Thanks Josie
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The Australian Sports Commission is using the age old rivalry between Australia and Britain to attract athletes into the talent ID program for the London 2012 Olympics.

Reports have been received that the poms are a tad upset

Lets rip the Brits to bits

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Discussing Grades

A high-school student came home from school seeming rather depressed

."What's the matter, son," asked his mother.

"Aw, gee," said the boy,

"It's my marks. They're all wet."

"What do you mean `all wet?'"

"I mean," he replied, "below C-level."

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Join the Scouts

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TITLES OF SOME REALLY SHORT BOOKS

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MY COUNTRY by Jane Fonda & Cindy Sheehan -- Illustrated by Michael Moore

MY CHRISTIAN ACCOMPLISHMENTS & HOW I HELPED AFTER KATRINA by Rev Jesse Jackson & Rev Al Sharpton

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL by Hillary Clinton

Sequel: THINGS I LOVE ABOUT HILLARY by Bill Clinton

MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE by Osama Bin Laden

AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC

ALL THE MEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE by Ellen de Generes & Rosie O'Donnell

GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE by Mike Tyson

THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY

MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS by O.J. Simpson
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Tom in deep thoughts is very quiet.

Jerry asks, "What is wrong with you, Tom?"

"Please don't ask."

"I'm your best friend. You can talk to me."

"My seven year old son made my secretary pregnant."

"That's not possible."

"No, he did."

"How?"

"He punctured my condoms!"

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