199


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Last year I entered the City to Surf Marathon.
The race started and immediately I was the last of the runners.
It was embarrassing.
The guy who was in front of me, second to last, was making fun of me.
He said, "Hey Mate, how does it feel to be last?"
I replied: "You really want to know?"
So I dropped out of the race.



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Sexual Technique to Make Your Wife Wild with Desire!!
Between being married a long time, and also being a man,
I can tell you blokes that there are certain things you can do to make your wife swoon.
Its not difficult
Try this

Wet Hands
Yes, it is the wet hands technique.
Certainly one of the most popular among most women polled for this article.
So simple.
So exciting.
You will leave her breathless.
• Fill the kitchen sink up with hot water and add a few drops of a scented dish liquid.
Not too many, you don't want it to be harsh.
There are many very nice scents out now, from vanilla and lavender to grapefruit.
It is completely up to you.
• With a soft cloth in your hands plunge your hands into the water and get the cloth very wet.
• Now, moving slowly and gently place a dish in the water
and rub the cloth across the surface of it..over and over again.
• Place the dish in clean rinse water and repeat until she is moaning with pleasure.
.Now you repeat the process until all the dirty dishes are clean,
works like a treat

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I just love this
Revenge is sweet

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A little boy asked his father, 'Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?'
Father replied, 'I don't know son, I'm still paying.'
***
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say --
talk in your sleep.
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First guy says, 'My wife's an angel!' Second guy remarks,
'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'


A penguin walks into a bar
Penguin "Have you seen my brother?
Barman "No, What does he look like!"


Cartoons......Penguins

Check out the penguin dance.

Some penguin jokes:

Q: What do little penguins sing when their father brings fish home for dinner?

A: Freeze a Jolly Good Fellow.

Q: Why are penguins good race drivers?

A: Because they're always in the pole position.

Q: How does a penguin make pancakes?

A: With its flippers.

Q: Why did the penguin cross the road ?

A: To go with the floe

Q. Why do penguins carry fish in their beaks?

A: Because they don't have pockets.



Some penguin facts:

• There are 17 different kinds of penguins, and they all live in the southern hemisphere

.• Penguins are birds that do not fly. Their wings serve as flippers, which they use to swim through the water. The only time penguins are airborne is when they leap out of the water.

• Most penguins can swim about 15 miles per hour.

• Rockhopper penguins build their nests onsteep rocky areas. To get there, they holdboth feet together and bounce from ledge to ledge. These birds can bounce up to 5 feet.

• They are warm blooded, just like people with a normal body temperature of about 100 degrees F

.• Penguins don't live near freshwater -- at least none that isn't frozen.

Instead they drink salt water.

They have a special gland in their bodies that takes the salt out of the water they drink and pushes it out of grooves in their bill.

• Penguins are found in Antarctica, South Africa, Australia, and New Zealand.

Elsewhere, they are only found in zoos.

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The first violin in the local philharmonic had a friend who played the cello.

The friend, who was quite good, wanted to audition for the philharmonic.

There was an opening,

but auditions were hard to arrange.

So he went to the violinist and asked for help.

Said his friend, "Don't worry about it.
I'll pull some strings."
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There once was a poor shepherd named Yorgi.

The only food he had to sustain himself on was the milk he got from the sheep,

and it tasted so bad that he could barely drink it.

As a result, Yorgi became thin and sickly.
One day, he met his friend Vladimir.

Vladimir was a poor shepherd like himself, but he was hearty and healthy.

Vladimir told him that he had to live on sheep’s milk too,

but he let him on a secret:

a witch in a nearby village taught him a magic spell that makes sheep’s milk

taste as sweet as the richest cream.

Yorgi begged Vladimir to teach him the spell, which his friend did willingly.
Sure enough,

Yorgi’s sheep produced the most delicious milk he ever tasted.

Yorgi loved it so much, that he drank it by the litre.

He milked his sheep so much that they cried out in pain.

Yorgi realized that he couldn’t make his sheep suffer like that,

so he reversed the spell and resigned himself to drinking normal sheep’s milk.
Now, there’s no ewes crying over spelled milk.



stolen from Archies Archive

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See if you can find the nude dude on the beach

click on the link below
http://www.whereisnudedude.com.au/

Thanks Brett

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Merry Christmas

Thanks Geoff

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Guy goes in an adult store and asks for an inflatable sex doll.

Guy behind the counter says,

‘Male or female?’

Customer says, ‘Female’

Counter guy asks,

‘Black or white?’

Customer says, ‘White’

Counter guy asks,

‘Christian or Muslim?’

Customer says, ‘What the hell does religion have to do with it?’

Counter guy says,

‘The Muslim one blows itself up’.

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Concentrate

Is it moving????

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High Density living in Hong Kong

Music

Ithink we've had enough of Roy Orbison for awhile.

Is it just me or are there no great instrumental hits these days.

The 50's, 60's, 70's and 80's saw many great instrumental hits.

Over the next few blogs Iwill post a few I like .
Stranger on the Shore......Acker Bilk

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Disclaimer
All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site

are understood to be in the public domain.

If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,

please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.

198

The older we get the more important it is to incorporate exercise into our daily routine.
This is necessary to maintain cardiovascular health and maintain muscle mass.
Always consult your doctor before starting any exercise program!
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NOW SCROLL UP..
GOOD!
That's enough for the first day.
Great job! Have a glass of wine.
Thanks Denis

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New Alphabet?
A is for apple, and?B is for boat,
That used to be right, but now it won't float!
Age before beauty is what we once said,
But let's be a bit more realistic instead.
Now
The New Alphabet
A'is for arthritis;
B'is the bad back,
C'is the chest pains,?Perhaps car-d-iac??
D is for dental decay and decline,
E is for eyesight, can't read that top line!
F is for fissures and fluid retention,
G is for gas which We'd rather not mention.?
H.. High blood pressure--We'd rather it low;
I.. For incisions with scars you can show.
J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend,
K is for knees that crack when they bend.?
Li s for libido, what happened to sex?
M is for memory, We forget what comes next.
N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;
O is for osteo, bones that don't grow!?
P for prescriptions, We have quite a few,Just give us a pill and We'll be good as new!
Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?
R is for reflux, one meal turns to two.?
S is for sleepless nights, counting our fears,
T is for Tinnitus; bells in our ears!
U is for urinary; troubles with flow;
V for vertigo, that's 'dizzy,' you know.?
W for worry, NOW what's going 'round?
X is for X ray, and what might be found.
Y for another year We are left here behind,
Z is for zest WE still have-- in OUR minds.?
We've survived all the symptoms, our body's deployed,
and We're keeping twenty-six doctors fully employed!!!
Thanks Joan

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Romance and Seduction

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One of the certainties
One day three women were at a beauty parlor talking about their husbands.
The first woman says,
''Last night my husband said he was going to his office,
but when I called they said he wasn't there!''
''I know!'' the next woman says,
''Last night my husband said he was going to his brother's house
but when I called he wasn't there.''
The third woman says,
''I always know where my husband is.''
''Impossible!'' both women say,
''He has you completely fooled!''
''Oh no,'' says the woman. ''I'm a widow.''
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Deep and meaningful cartoons

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Change Business Owners Can Believe In
As the Manager of a small business that employs 80 people,
I have finally resigned to the fact that Barrack Obama will be our next President,
and that our taxes and government fees will increase in a BIG way.
To compensate for the tax increases I figure our customers will have
to see a price increase of about 8%,
but due to the dismal state of our economy we can't increase prices right now,
so we'll have to lay off 7 of our employees instead.
This problem has really been eating at me,
as I believe we're all family here and I just don't know how to choose
who will have to go.
Everyone has families and our employees are good people.
So this is what I did.
I walked through our parking lot and found 7 Obama `08 bumper stickers
on our employees' cars, and decided that these employees will be the first to be laid off.
I can't think of a more fair way to approach this problem.
These folks wanted change
, so I gave it to them.
If you have a better idea, let me know.
Sincerely, a small business owner.
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Cool names for your business shop fronts

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Seek and ye shall find

A blind man, deaf man and a lame man went on a pilgrimage to a healing spring.

The blind man washed his eyes with water from the spring and exclaimed

"I can see! I can see!"

The deaf man washed his ears with the spring water and exclaimed

"I can hear! I can hear!"

The lame man drove his wheelchair into the water and out the other side yelling

"I got new tires! I got new tires!"
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Two pictures badly in need of a caption

Any suggestions????

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Two guys strike up a converation at the local tavern...

One guy says to the other,

"Last week I took the first step towards getting divorced."

"Did you see a lawyer yet?" asks the second guy.

"No," replies the first,

"I got married."

Cartoons...........Women

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Dubious logic*

Ten percent of all car thieves are left-handed *

All polar bears are left-handed *

If your car is stolen, there's a 10 percent chance it was nicked by a Polar bear *

39 percent of unemployed men wear spectacles *

80 percent of employed men wear spectacles *

Work stuffs up your eyesight *

All dogs are animals *

All cats are animals *

Therefore, all dogs are cats *

A total of 4000 cans are opened around the world every second *

Ten babies are conceived around the world every second *

Each time you open a can, you stand a 1 in 400 chance of falling pregnant

More dubious logic

Clem asks Abner, "Ain't statistics wonderful?"

"How so?" says Abner.

"Well, according to statistics, there's 42 million alligator eggs laid every year.

Of those only about half get hatched.

Of those that hatch, three-fourths of them get eaten by predators in the first 36 days.

And of the rest,

only 5 percent get to be a year old because of one thing or another.

Ain't statistics wonderful?"

Abner asks, "What's so wonderful about statistics?"

"Why, if it wasn't for statistics,

we'd be up to our asses in baby alligators!"

Statisticians' logic

Two statisticians were travelling in an airplane from LA to New York.

About an hour into the flight, the pilot announced that they had lost an engine,

but don't worry, there are three left.

However, instead of 5 hours it would take 7 hours to get to New York.

A little later, he announced that a second engine failed,

and they still had two left, but it would take 10 hours to get to New York.

Somewhat later, the pilot again came on the intercom

and announced that a third engine had died.

Never fear, he announced, because the plane could fly on a single engine.

However, it would now take 18 hours to get to new York.

At this point, one statistician turned to the other and said,

"Gee, I hope we don't lose that last engine, or we'll be up here forever!"

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Ain't this the truth

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FAMOUS SAYINGS

Last week , I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen.

I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.

-- Mark Twain

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending and to have the two as close together as possible.--

George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.--

Victor Borge

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.--

Mark Twain

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy;

if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.--

Socrates

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech.

Every now and then she stops to breathe.--

Jimmy Durante

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.--

Zsa Gabor

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups:

alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.--

Alex Levine

Money can 't buy you happiness...but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.--

Spike Milligan

I am opposed to millionaires ... but it would be dangerous to offer me the position.--

Mark Twain

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.--

Joe Namath

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.--

Bob Hope

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.--

Will Rogers

Don't worry about avoiding temptation . . . as you grow older, it will avoid you.--

Winston Churchill

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty . . .

but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.--

Phyllis Diller

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.--

Billy Crystal

The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good, spit it out.

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The first bear pictures for 2009

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Music

Roy Orbison.....The Only One

Lyrics...

Everyone you know's been through it

You bite the bullet then you chew it

Tie the knot at the end of your rope

Buy a book to help you cope but

No consolation gonna come

You're the only one

Take a look through history

Recant some bits of poetry

You'll find the words still ring true

Somethings don't change

Somethings do

And you're the only one with a broken heart

The only one who's afraid of the dark

The only one in a crowded room

The only one who sees a blue moon

What you wouldn't give right now

To be another face in the crowd

And you're the only one who is all alone

The only one who's love is gone

The only one who has given in

The only one who will give again

And you're the only one with a broken heart

The only one who is afraid of the dark

The only one in a crowded room

The only one who sees the blue moon

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Disclaimer
All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site

are understood to be in the public domain.

If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,

please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.

197

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Headlines From 2050
Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California.
White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.
Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.
Baby conceived naturally! Scientists stumped.
Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.
Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.
France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica . No other country comes forward to help the beleaguered nation!
Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.
George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.
Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.
85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.
Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.
Global cooling blamed for citrus crop failure for third consecutive year in Mexifornia and Floruba.
Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.
Abortion clinics now available in every High School in United States .
Senate still blocking drilling in ANWR even though gas is selling for 4532 Pesos per liter and gas stations are only open on Tuesdays and Fridays.
Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.
Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.
Average height of NBA players is now nine feet, seven inches with only 3 illegitimate children.
New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2035.
IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.
Floruba voters still having trouble with voting machines

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Golfers with no sense of humour

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It is a known fact that all daughters-in- law have problems with their
mother-in-law.

Anyway... One day the daughters-in- law all got together
and decided to apologise to their mothers-in-law for everything they
had supposedly done wrong.

A week later the daughters-in- law decided
to take their families (including their mothers-in-law) on a picnic.

The mothers-in-law were all in one bus, which was the first to leave.

On the way their bus had an accident and all the mothers-in-law died.

The daughters-in- law were devastated but one in particular was more
heart broken than the rest.

Everyone tried to console her by telling her
that at least her mother-in-law had died without

any tension between them.

But still she cried.

Eventually when she was calm enough to speak
the other women asked her:

"Why are you crying so much?

Was your mother-in-law that special?"

The woman no sobbing uncontrollably replied...

"No, she missed the bus!"
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Cool travel ads

Where does your world end?

This ad speaks for itself

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Here is a link to a game that all you beer drinkers will like

Match the beer caps

Took me 5 minutes 28 [pretty slow]
http://caps.lachoff.com/

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Seeing that 2009 is the International year of Astronomy,

will try and post some good pictures that Imay come accross

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As I lay on my bed, thinking about you,

I feel this strong urge to grab you and squeeze you,

because I can't forget last night.

You came to me unexpectedly during the balmy and calm night,

and what happened in my bed still leaves a tingling sensation in me.

You appeared from nowhere and shamelessly,

without any reservations,

you laid on my naked body...
You sensed my indifference,

so you started to bite my body without any guilt or humiliation,

and you drove me crazy while you sucked me dry.

Since you were satisfied and calm....

finally I fell asleep.
Today when I woke up, you were gone,

I searched for you but to no avail,

only the sheets bore witness to last night's events.

My body still shows your marks,

making it harder to forget you.
Tonight I will remain awake waiting for you...

as soon you appear

I will quickly grab you

and you will never go,

I will catch and hold you with all my strength

so you won't disappear.

Won't rest until l squeeze your blood out and destroy you......
Bloody mosquito!

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Cartoons

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Here’s two funny animated video's featuring two dinosaurs and a pig

to see who can let go the best fart.

Don’t let the fact that it’s animated and about farting throw you.

Sure it might be a little childish,

but hey, every once in a while we need to entertain that child in all of us, don’t we?

And since it’s less than a minute long, what do you have to lose?

Watch. Laugh. Enjoy.

The Pig wins easily




Part two

stolen from Steven Humour

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Pointing The Way
Things were getting desperate for the members of the jungle expedition.

They had been travelling in ever narrower circles for three days,

their supplies were running low

and the helpers they hired insisted on returning to their homes.

Everyone thought that they would be lost for ever.
Happily, one of the natives offered a solution.

He held up for all to see a large jungle insect which looked like some sort of mantis.
“The insect always points North,” he said.

“I will leave you now but if you follow the pointing insect,

you can find your way out without me.”
The explorers were happy to follow the insect.

Indeed, it maintained a steady heading at first and they seemed to be making progress.

Then a day passed.

Then another one passed.

The huge insect began to twitch and shake ever more erratically.
They knew that they were lost.
“Forget it!” one of them shouted in frustration.

“This insect is mad! It’s insane I tell you! It points every which way and we’re lost.

This is hopeless!”
“How can you tell that?” the others asked.

“How can the insect be mad?”
“Can’t you all see?” he cried……

“It’s non-compass-mantis.”

stolen from Archies Archive

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Some poor friars decided they needed to make some repairs to their monastery,

so they opened a small florist shop to raise the necessary funds.

Since everyone felt good about buying flowers from the men of God,

the rival florist across town was fast losing business,

and believed the competition to be unfair.

The rival florist asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not.

He went back and begged the friars to close their shop...they ignored him.

Finally, he asked his mother to plead with the friars to close their very popular florist shop.

The good friars ignored her as well

.At his wit's end, the rival florist finally hired Hugh MacTaggard,

the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close.

Terrified, they did so, thereby proving...

Are you ready for this?

That Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars!

stolen from Miss Cellania


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Phunny Punny Toons

Raw Deal

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Gold Medal Lovemaking
Three women were sitting around talking about their sex lives.
The first said, "I think my husband's like a championship golfer."
"What does that mean? He putters around?" asked the others.
"No: He's spent the last ten years perfecting his stroke."
The second woman said, "My husband's like the winner of the Indy 500."
"Does that mean he has to take frequent pit stops?" the others wondered.
"No: Every time we get into bed he gives me several hundred exciting laps."
The third woman was silent until she was asked,

"Tell us about your husband."
She thought for a moment and said, "My husband's like an Olympic sprinter."
"Because he gives you a gold medal performance every time?" the others asked in anticipation.
"No: He's got his time down to under 11 seconds."
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Music

Roy Orbison..... A Mansion on the Hill



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Disclaimer
All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site

are understood to be in the public domain.

If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,

please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.