263

I've always been crazy, it kept me from going insane


***************************************************

Lost in Fog
"Three guys are in a plane, lost in fog, and they don't know where they are.
The first guy says 'I'll find out' and puts his arm out the plane,
then brings it back in and says 'We're just over Paris'
'How do you know' ask the others
'Well I've just felt the top of the Eiffel tower.'
Later on the second guy tries and says 'We just flew over London'
'How?' asks the others
'Well I've just felt the top of Big Ben'
Still later on the last guy tries it, puts his arm out the plane,
and says to the others 'We have just flown over Glasgow.'
'How do you know that?' comes the reply
.'Because some bastard has just stolen my watch."

stolen from...Slavenka and Obi
***********************************************

One Bacon and Egg burger to go, mate!



***********************************************

We have all spoken to this bloke


Mujibar was trying to get a job in India.
The Personnel Manager said, 'Mujibar,
you have passed all the tests, except one.?
Unless you pass it,you cannot qualify for this job.
Mujibar said, 'I am ready.
The manager said,'Make a sentence using the wordsYellow, Pink, and Green.
Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said,
'Mister manager, I am ready'.
The manager said, 'Go ahead.
'Mujibar said,'The telephone goes green, green,
and I pink it up, and say,Yellow, this is Mujibar.'
Mujibar now works at a call center.
No doubt you have spoken to him.I know I have.

thanks Don H
************************************************



********************************************

Golfers Christening


******************************************************

So Paddy asks Murphy: "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards
off their boats?"
To which Murphy replies,"You Thick idiot - If they fell forwards
they'd still be in the bloody boat"

*****************************************************

The Candy with the Holes

The children began to identify the flavors by their color
:Red........................Cherry
Yellow..................Lemon
Green ....................Lime
Orange ...............Orange
Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers.
None of the children could identify the taste.
The teacher said, 'I will give you all a clue.
It's what your mother may sometimes call your father.
'One little girl looked up in horror, spat her lifesaver out and yelled,
'Oh my God! They're ass-holes!
The teacher had to leave the room!

thanks Josie J

****************************************

Make sure you watch all of this
Brillant


***************************************************************

The first mobile phone

**************************************************


A sixteen year-old boy came home with a new Chevrolet Avalanche
and his parents began to yell and scream,
'Where did you get that truck???!!!
'He calmly told them, 'I bought it today.'
'With what money?' demanded his parents.
They knew what a Chevrolet Avalanche cost.
'Well,' said the boy, 'this one cost me just fifteen dollars.'
So theparents began to yell even louder.
'Who would sell a truck like that for fifteen dollars?' they asked.
'It was the lady up the street,' said the boy.
I don't know her name -they just moved in.
She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if Iwanted
to buy a Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars.'
'Oh myGoodness!,' moaned the mother, 'she must be a child abuser.
Who knows what she will do next? John,
you go right up there and see what's going on.'
So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived
and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias!
He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom
she had sold a new Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars
and demanded to know why she did it.
'Well,' she said, 'this morning I got a phone call from my husband.
(Ithought he was on a business trip,
but learned from a friend he had runoff to Hawaii with his mistress
and really doesn't intend to come back).
He claimed he was stranded and needed cash,
and asked me to sell his new Chevrolet Avalanche and send him the money.
So I did.'
(Are women good or what?)

*************************************************

Wrong Book Store

thanks Geoff C

**********************************************

Self Defense
"During a practical exercise at a military police base,

the instructor was giving the class instruction in unarmed self- defense.

After he presented a number of different situations

in which they might find themselves, he asked a student,

'What steps would you take if someone were coming at you with a large, sharp knife?'

The student replied,

'BIG ones.'"


Stolen from..Slavenka and Obi

********************************************
Another Wuzzle for you

Answers at the bottom of post

*************************************************

Be my Guest


*****************************************************

Friendship
·Are you tired of those weak 'friendship' poems that always sound good,

but never actually come close to reality?

Well, here are a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship.

You will see no cute little smiley faces on this post .

Just the stone cold truth of a great friendship.
1. When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk

and plot revenge against the bastard who made you sad.

2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
3. When you smile -- I will know you are thinking of something that

I would probably want to be involved in.
4. When you are scared -- I will take the mickey out of you every chance I get

until you're NOT.
5. When you are worried -- I will tell you stories about how much worse

it could be until YOU STOP WHINING!
6. When you are confused -- I will try to use only little words.
7. When you are sick -- Stay the hell away from me until you are well again.

I don't want whatever you have.
8. When you fall, I will laugh at you, you clumsy bugger,but I'll help you up.
9. This is my oath.... I pledge it to the end.

'Why?' you may ask;

Because you are my friend.
Friendship is like piddling your pants,

everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth.

**************************************************

Bitches

What can I say!!!!


***********************************************

When girls don't put out!!

This was written by a guy...it's pretty damn smart.

Girls -- Please have a sense of humour!

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much.

And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing.

I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says,

'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'

I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear..

.'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman

enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.

'She responded to my puzzled look by saying,

'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night,

I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her.

We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping

at a big, big unnamed department store.

I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfit s.

She couldn't decide which one to take,

so I told her we'd just buy them all.

She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes,

so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.

'We went on to the jewellery department

where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings.

Let me tell you... she was so excited.

She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck.

I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet

when she doesn't even know how to play tennis

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.'

She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.

Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said,

'I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out,

'No honey, I don't feel like it.

'Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.

You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man

enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me,

I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....

but at least that knows I'm smarter than her.

thanks Jammo

**********************************************

Ain't this the truth, Did it only this morning



******************************************************

PHILS PHILOSOPHY

For the Ladies
1. If you think the way to a man's heart is through his stomach you're aiming to high.

2. Women don't make fools of men...most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

3. The best reason to divorce a man is a health reason.... you're sick of him.

4. Never trust a man who says he's the boss at home. He probably lies about other things too.

5. A woman's work that is never done is the stuff she asked her husbandto do.

6. If you want a nice man go for a bald one...they try harder.

7. Go for younger men...You might as well...they never mature anyway.

8. Men are all the same...they just have different faces so you can tellthem apart.

9. Definition of a man with manners...he gets out of the bath to pee.

10. Whenever you meet a man who would make a good husband,

you will usually find that he does.

11. Scientists have just discovered something that can do the work of five men ... a woman.

12. There are a lot of words you can use to describe men ... strong,caring, loving ...

they'd be wrong but you could still use them.

13. Men are like animals...messy, insensitive and potentially violent,

but they make great pets.

14. Men's brains are like the prison system...not enough cells per man.

15. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men..."don't" and "stop"

(Unless they're used together).

16. Husbands are like children ... they're fine if they're someone else's.

17. If a man appears sexy, caring and smart ...

give him a day and he will be back to his usual self.

18. All men are like chickens with their heads cut off when they see beautiful women pass by.

19. If your man appears happy, excited and keeps looking at you all of a sudden ...

he is probably checking out the woman behind you.

20. Figuring out men is like trying to make a jigsaw puzzle in a jar..

.once you think you have it all put together,

you find another piece

but don't know where it goes.

****************************************************

Wuzzle answers

1. A tune up

2. For rent

3. Looking high and low

4. Merry go round

5. Four square

6. Three little pigs

Disclaimer
All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site

are understood to be in the public domain.

If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,

please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.

262


******************************


Yesterday was "Talk like a Pirate" day




***************





Please write on the blackboard 100 times
.......I am a pain in the ass





************************************************



A tough old cowboy from south Texas counseled his grandson
that if he wanted to live a long life,
the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning.
The grandson followed this advice religiously until the day he died at age 103.
He left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great-grandchildren,
24 great-great-grandchildren, and a 15-foot hole where the crematorium used to be.



stolen from...Miss Cellania


********************************************


On the cover of the Rolling Stone








well, I made it!!!!
*******************************************





Golfing Ladies


Seeing the ladies, the Pro approached them and asked:
"How did your game go?
The first lady, a brunette, said she had a good round ...
making the comment that she actually had 25 riders.
The Pro was a bit perplexed not knowing what a "Rider" was.
The second was a blonde lady who quickly chimed in and
said that she had a very good round as well with 16 riders.
The third lady then said that her round was average
and that she only had 10 riders.
The fourth lady admitted that she played the worst round of the day
and that she only had 2 riders all day long.
The Pro was completely confused not knowing what the term "rider" meant.
But, because he didn't want to look dumb,
he made a quick polite remark, wished the ladies well and then left.
He then approached the bartender and asked
"Hey, can you tell me what these ladies are talking about when they refer to "Riders"?"
The bartender simply smiled and said...
"A 'Rider" is when you hit a shot long enough to ride on the golf cart to your ball.

********************************************************

Cartoons.....At the Bar

*******************************************************

Its six years almost to the day we lost Slim Dusty



********************************************************

Moving to Mexico

Dear Mr. President:
I'm planning to move my family and extended family into Mexico for my health,

and I would like to ask you to assist me.

We're planning to simply walk across the border from the U.S. into Mexico,

and we'll need your help to make a few arrangements.

We plan to skip all the legal stuff like visas, passports, immigration quotas and laws.

I'm sure they handle those things the same way you do here.

So, would you mind telling your buddy, President Calderon, that I'm on my way over?

Please let him know that I will be expecting the following:
1. Free medical care for my entire family.
2. English-speaking government bureaucrats for all services I might need,

whether I use them or not.
3. Please print all Mexican government forms in English.
4. I want my grandkids to be taught Spanish by English-speaking (bi-lingual) teachers.
5. Tell their schools they need to include classes on American culture and history.
6. I want my grandkids to see the American flag on one of the flag poles at their school.
7. Please plan to feed my grandkids at school for both breakfast and lunch.
8. I will need a local Mexican driver's license so I can get easy access to government services.
9. I do plan to get a car and drive in Mexico, but, I don't plan to purchase car insurance,

and I probably won't make any special effort to learn local traffic laws.
10. In case one of the Mexican police officers does not get the memo

from their president to leave me alone,

please be sure that every patrol car has at least one English-speaking officer.
11. I plan to fly the U.S. Flag from my house top, put U S. Flag decals on my car,

and have a gigantic celebration on July 4th.

I do not want any complaints or negative comments from the locals.
12. I would also like to have a nice job without paying any taxes,

or have any labor or tax laws enforced on any business I may start.
13. Please have the president tell all the Mexican people to be extremely nice

and never say a critical things about me or my family,

or about the strain we might place on their economy.
14. I want to receive free food stamps.
15. Naturally, I'll expect free rent subsidies.
16. I'll need Income tax credits so although I don't pay Mexican Taxes,

I'll receive money from the government.
17. Please arrange it so that the Mexican Gov't pays $ 4,500 to help me buy a new car.
18. Oh yes, I almost forgot, please enroll me free into the Mexican Social Security program

so that I'll get a monthly income in retirement.
I know this is an easy request because you already do all these things

for all his people who come to the U.S. From Mexico.

I am sure that President Calderon won't mind returning the favor if you ask him nicely.

Thank you so much for your kind help.

You're the man!!!

thanks Duke
***********************************************

Seeing I am in the mood for offending people,

this is for all those out there with cats all over their blogs

Please smile at this. It is so wrong, but its funny

thanks Peter H
*****************************************************

A rich man walks into the Dean's Office at a small college.

"I'd like to donate several million dollars to the institution."

"Why, that's very generous of you."

"But there is one condition: I'd like you to bestow an honorary degree."

"That's no problem; no problem at all."

"I haven't finished. I want an honorary degree for my horse."

"Your horse?!?"

"Yup, you bet. She carried me for many a year and I owe her a lot.

I'd like her to receive her Tr.d. -- Doctor of Transportation."

"I'm sorry, we can't give a degree to a horse. What will people think?"

"Well, I'll just take my donation to another educational institution."

"Wait, wait! Let me consult with the school trustees."

The dean calls a hurried trustee meeting and relays the details of the deal.

All of the board except the oldest member reacts with shock and dismay.

The oldest trustee looks like he's sleeping through the meeting.

After all the arguments, the old man says,

"Take the money and give the horse the degree."

"What? Don't you think that would disgrace the college?"

"We give honorary degrees to lawyers, don't we?"

"Yes, but ..."

"We give honorary degrees to politicians, don't we?"

"Yes ..."

"So what's wrong with giving an honorary degree to the entire horse?"

*************************************************************
John Williamson for my Canadian friends

***********************************************
Remember these word puzzles called Wuzzles

See how you go

Answers below

*******************************************************

Politically correct version

Just before the Battle of Trafalgar, a conversation is overheard

on the poop deck of HMS Victory:

Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."

Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."

Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?"

Hardy: "Sorry sir?"

Nelson (reading aloud):

"England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability."

"What kind of gobbledygook is this?"

Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now.

We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the censors, lest it be considered racist." Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."

Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free work environments." Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration.

Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle."

Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral.

Its part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."

Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it... full speed ahead."

Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."

Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history.

We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest, please."

Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."

Nelson: "What?"

Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness.

And they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations.

They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."

Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."

Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle, Admiral."

Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."

Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently enabled."

Nelson: "Differently enabled? I've only one arm and one eye

and I refuse even to hear mention of the word.

I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."

Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is underrepresented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."

Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir.

Health and Safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats and sunscreen.

And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"

Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy." Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral." Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"

Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."

Nelson: "We're not?"

Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now.

According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water.

We could get hit with a claim for compensation."

Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity coordinator hear you saying that sir.

You'll be up on disciplinary report."

Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."

Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age.

Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life

Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety.

Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"

Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment." Nelson: "What about sodomy?"

Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."

****************************************************

******************************************

Repeat this if you can??




stolen from...Bits and Pieces

*************************************************


Can you swim mate????

*******************************************************

********************************************************

Wuzzle answers
1. Falling Temperature

2. Two Under Par

3. Fat Chance

4. Broken Heart

5. Hot Under the Collar

6. Head in the Sand

*****************************

PHILS PHILOSOPHY

********************************

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask myself,

"Where have I gone wrong?"

Then a voice says to me,

"This is going to take more than one night".

Disclaimer
All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site

are understood to be in the public domain.

If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,

please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.

261


Andrew Denton interviewed some Sydney Taxi drivers a year or so ago
This bloke is a classic
Blind as a welders dog..lol

************************************************

A construction worker walks into a bar. He's a rather large,menacing guy.

He orders a beer, chugs it back, and bellows,

"Allyou guys on this side of the bar are a bunch of assholes!"

A sudden silence descends.After a moment he asks "Anyone got a problem with that?"

The silence lengthens.He then chugs back another beer and growls,

"And all you guys onthe other side of the bar are faggots!"

Once again, the bar is silent.

He looks around belligerently and roars, "Anyone got a problemwith that?"

A lone man gets up from his stool unsteadily and starts to walktowards the man.

"You got a problem, buddy?"

"Oh no, I'm just on the wrong side of the bar."

**********************************************

*************************************************

**********************************************************

Off the Hook


**********************************************************

The minister of a small congregation was about to start his sermon

when he noticed a young woman in the front row,

wearing a tight dress with her breast almost hanging out.

He couldn't concentrate on his message to the flock

,so he dismissed the service and asked to speak to the woman

after everyone else left the church.

When they were alone, the reverend said in his sternest lecturing voice.

"Just what do you mean, coming to church dressed like that?"

"Why reverend." the young thing replied.

All of my boy-friends tell me that they can hear the angels sing when

they put their heads on my breasts."

"Hmm. Well let me check," said the man of the cloth,

placing his head between her breasts.

After several minutes, he raised his head and said.

"I don't hear any angels singing!"

"Of course not reverend." she said.

"You're not plugged in yet."

********************************************************

********************************************************

Post a comment at the bottom of this post

*************************************************


Cartoons.....Dentists

The dentist pulls out a numbing needle to give the man a shot.

'No way! No needles. I hate needles' the patient said.

The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and the man objects.

"I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating me!"

The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill.

"No objection," the patient says. "I'm fine with pills."

The dentist then returns and says,

"Here's a Viagra."

The patient says, "Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!"

"It doesn't" said the dentist,

"but it's going to give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth."

Thanks Wayne W
*******************************************************

stolen from...Slavenka and Obi
***************************************************

"Golden slumbers fill your eyes

Smiles awake you when you rise

Sleep pretty darling do not cry

And I will sing a lullabye"
Carry that Weight


*********************************************************

Joe and Frank were in the office,

and noticed that someone had put up a suggestion box with some 3 x 5 cards next to it.

Both decided that this was a great idea, and each took a card to fill out

.Joe wrote: "The office workers should all be given raises!"

When he looked at Frank's card, it said:

"Can we all have raises, and keys to the executive washroom,

and personal secretaries, and new company cars,

and new coffee cups, and longer lunch breaks,

and an extra three weeks vacation each year,

and a holiday on St. Patrick's Day, and Columbus Day

and Martin Luther King's Birthday?"

Joe said, "Frank, that isn't the right way of getting things changed around here.
You shouldn't put all of your begs in one ask-it."

******************************************************

PMS & GPS
What do you get when you mix PMS with GPS?

A crazy bitch who will find you!

stolen from... Slavenka and Obi

**********************************************

The ship sank.

He was the lone survivor.

He swam towards a distant beach.

When he arrived there,

he crawled up on the shore to rest and count his blessings;

that's when he saw the first one,

a pecan pie.

He then saw a banana split,

a cup of vanilla gelatin,

chocolate chip cookies,

caramel apples and yellow cake.

Suddenly he realized he was on a desserted island.

*********************************************

Jewish Mother
"Did you hear about the tramp

who walked up to the Jewish mother on the street and said,

'Lady, - I haven't eaten in three days

She said

"Force yourself"

******************************************

PHILS PHILOSOPHY

Disclaimer
All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site

are understood to be in the public domain.

If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,

please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.