289

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Finally managed to get my Xmas lights up yesterday

JEWISH CHRISTMAS
As a teacher, Ms. Jones, was very curious about how each of her

students celebrated Christmas.

She called on young Patrick Murphy.
"Tell me Patrick what do you do at Christmas Time?", she asked.

Patrick addressed the class,

"Well Ms. Jones, me and my twelve brothers and sisters go to the midnight Mass

and we Sing hymns, then we come home very late

and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings.

Then all excited we go to bed and wait for Father Christmas to come with all our Toys".

"Very nice Patrick", she said.

"Now, Jimmy Brown what do you do at Christmas?"

"Well, Ms. Jones, me and my sister also go to Church with Mum And Dad

and we sing carols and we get home ever so late.

We put cookies and milk by the chimney and we hang up our stockings.

We hardly sleep, waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents."

Realizing there was a Jewish boy in the class

and not wanting to leave him out of the discussion, she asked,

"Now, Isaac Cohen, what do you do at Christmas?"

Isaac said, "Well, it's the same thing every year.

Dad comes home from the office. We all pile into the Rolls Royce,

then we drive to his toy factory.

When we get inside, we look at all the empty shelves and begin to sing

'What a Friend We Have in Jesus'.

Then we all go to the Bahamas."


thanks Duke

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Get your tree early

HOLIDAY GREETINGS

Happy Solstice, Happy Hanukkah, Merry Christmas, Happy Kwanza

Sorry for the delay...

our Legal Department just approved the following Holiday Greeting:
Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit

my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible,

low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice holiday(tm), practiced within the most enjoyable traditions

of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice,

with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others,

or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all . . .

and a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling,

and medically uncomplicated recognitionof the onset

of the generally accepted calendar year 2010,

but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures

whose contributions to society have helped make Australia great,

(not to imply that Australia is necessarily greater than any other country

or is the only "Australia" in the southern hemisphere),

and without regard to the race, creed, color, age,physical ability,

religious faith, choice of computer platform, or sexualorientation of the wishee.

By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms:

This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal.

It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting.

It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement

any of the wishes for her/himself or others,

and is void where prohibited by law,

and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher.

This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application

of good tidings for a period of one year,

or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting,

which ever comes first,

and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish

or issuance of a new wish at the solediscretion of the wisher.


thanks Duke

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The Perfect Gift


stolen from..... Miss Cellania

Click on this link to see who is waiting for Santa
Waiting for Santa


thanks Liz Z
-----------------------

MERRY CHRISTMAS !
Click on Christmas Card >>>>>> Christmas Card
My Christmas Card to Everyone!

thanks Wayne W

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Christmas Pun
One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop

looking for an unusual Christmas gift for his wife.

The shop owner suggested a Parrot, named Chet,

which could sing famous Christmas carols.

This Seemed like the perfect gift.

"How do I get him to sing?" The young man asked, excitedly.

"Simply hold a lighted match directly under his Feet." was the shop owner's reply.

The shop owner held a lighted match under the parrot's left foot.

Chet Began to sing: "Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! ..."

The shop owner then Held another match under the parrot's right foot.

Then Chet's tune changed, and the air was filled with: " Silent Night, Holy Night..."
The young man was so impressed that he paid the shop-keeper

and ran home as quickly as he could with Chet under his arm.

When the wife saw her gift she was overwhelmed.

"How beautiful!" she exclaimed, "Can he talk?"

"No," the young man replied, "But he can sing. Let me show you."

So the young man whipped out his lighter and placed it under Chet's left foot,

as the Shop-keeper had shown him,

and Chet crooned: "Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells!..."

The man then moved the lighter to Chet's right foot,

and out came: "Silent Night, Holy night..."
The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked,

"What if we hold the lighter between his legs?"

The man did not know. "Let's try it," he answered, eager to please his wife.

So they held the lighter between Chet's legs.

Chet twisted his face, cleared his throat,

and the little Parrot sang out loudly like it was the performance of his life:

"Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire

----------------------------

-------------------

THINGS YOU CAN ONLY SAY AT CHRISTMAS
1: I prefer breasts to legs.
2: Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3: Smother the butter all over the breasts.
4: If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst!
5: I've never seen a better spread!
6: I fancy a little dark meat for a change.
7: Are you ready for seconds yet?
8: It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
9: Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
10: Don't play with your meat!
11: Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.
12: Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13: I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time!
14: You still have a little bit on your chin.
15: How long will it take after you put it in?
16: You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
17: Just pull the end and wait for the bang.
18: That's the biggest bird I've ever had!
19: I'm so full, I've been gobbling nuts all morning.
20: Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that and still want more.

thanks Don H
-------------------------------

Christmas Can-Can



and here is a animated version



--------------

------------------------

Christmas in the Sun

Do you hear what I hear



-------------------------------

PHILS PHILOSOPHY

“Christmas gift suggestions:

To your enemy, forgiveness.

To an opponent, tolerance.

To a friend, your heart.

To a customer, service.

To all, charity.

To every child, a good example.

To yourself, respect.”

Oren Arnold (1900 - 1980)


------------------------------

Disclaimer
All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site

are understood to be in the public domain.

If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,

please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.

288





Ithink I posted this last Xmas but saw it again over at Miss Cellania
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--------------------------

Keep Cool pictures

Ithink its a chevvy???

------------

There were three women competing in the recent Breast Stroke

division of an English Channel swim, a brunette, a redhead and a blonde.
It was a fierce race with the brunette and the redhead exchanging

the lead across the long stretch of water.

As they stroked closer and closer to the shores of France,

the blonde fell further behind.
Finally, the brunette came in first, with the redhead a close second.

Everyone cheered and the two women congratulated each other on such a fine race.

But the blonde swimmer was still nowhere to be seen.
Much, much later,

the blonde woman finally reached shore completely exhausted.
After being revived with blankets and coffee,

she agreed to speak to the eager press.
"Can you please tell us what caused you to finish

so far behind the other racers in today's race?" the first reporter asked.
The blonde shook her head, then remarked,

"I don't want to complain, but I think those other two girls used their arms!"
---------------------------------------------

Only Fools and Horses

-----------------------------------

Hooked
A fisherman had two sons, whom he named Towards and Away.
When they grew, he took them to sea to learn his craft.
Years passed without their return.
But one day, the fisherman’s grieving wife saw her husband approaching.
“Where are my darling boys?” she cried.
Her husband told her the dreadful story.
Towards had hooked a mighty fish, he said.

After a long battle, Towards had been pulled overboard

and swallowed by the fish.
“What a terrible fish!” his wife cried.
“Yes,” said the fisherman,

“but you should have seen the one that got Away!”

pinched from... Archies Archive

-------------------------------------------


A Scotsman is sitting in a bar in Cuba and is minding his business

when a man with a large black beard walks in.

The man goes to the bar and orders a shot of whisky.

The bartender serves him,

the man drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door.

The bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?"

The man says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army."

The bartender says, "Alright then" and the man leaves.

A few minutes later another man with a large black beard walks in.

The man goes to the bar and orders a shot of whisky.

The bartender serves him,

the man drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door.

The bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?"

The man says,"Excuse me, Castro's Army."

The bartender says "Alright then" and the man leaves.

The Scotsman gets an idea and walks up to the bar and orders a shot of whisky.

He drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door.

The bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?"

The Scotsman says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army."

The bartender says,

"Hey where is your big black beard?"

The Scotsman thinks quickly.

He lifts his Kilt and says,"Secret Service

pinched from...Miss Cellania

Ice fishing in Canada

Crazy Canucks!!!!


---------------------------------------

A woman was letting her husband have it

with just a touch more venom than usual, saying,

"You're an idiot. You have always been an idiot.

You'll always be an idiot.

If they had an idiot contest, you'd come in second."

"Why would I come in second?" her husband asked.

She replied, "Because you're an idiot!"

-------------------------------

Those funny Animals

Circle the Cat

It took me a awhile

Smart Cat

Click link

http://www.members.shaw.ca/gf3/circle-the-cat.html

Infuriatingly simple yet difficult!

Thanks Liz Z
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Gotcha


-----------------------------------

thanks Gordon H

--------------

Uh Oh!!

Cool Kid

Something to remember me with

thanks Liz Z
-----------------------------

Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike

on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins

they are entitled to in the afterlife.

Emergency talks with Al Qaeda management

have so far failed to produce an agreement.

The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced

that the number of virgins a suicide bomber

would receive after his death will be cut by 25% next January from 72 to only 60.

The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years

of the number of suicide bombings

and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.

The suicide bombers' union,

the British Organisation of Occupational Martyrs (or B.O.O.M.)

responded with a statement that this was unacceptable

to its members and immediately balloted for strike action.

General secretary Abdullah Amir told the press,

"Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of jihad.

We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this

by management is a kick in the teeth."

Mr Amir accepted the limited availability of virgins

but pointed out that the cutbacks were expected to be borne entirely

by the workforce and not by management.

"Last Christmas Abu Hamza alone was awarded

an annual bonus of 250,000 virgins," complains Amir.

"And you can be sure they'll all be pretty ones too.

How can Al Qaeda afford that for members of the management

but not 72 for the people who do the real work?"

Speaking from a shed in the West Midlands where he currently resides,

Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained,

"We sympathise with our workers' concerns

but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands.

They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day jihad,

in a competitive marketplace.

Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife.

It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure

and laying people off.

I don't like cutting wages but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff

that they won't be able to blow themselves up."

He defended management bonuses by claiming these

were necessary to attract good fanatical clerics.

"How am I supposed to attract the best people

if I can't compete with the private sector?" asked Mr. Bin-Laden.

Talks broke down this morning

after management's last-ditch proposal of a virgin-sharing scheme

was rejected outright after a failure to agree on orifice allocation quotas.

One virgin, who refused to be named, was quoted as saying,

"I'll be buggered if I'm agreeing to anything like that …………

"Unless some sort of agreement is reached over the weekend,

suicide bombers will down explosives at midday on Monday.

Most branches are supporting the strike.

Only the North London branch, which has a different union,

is likely to continue working.

However, some members of that branch will only be using waist-down explosives

in order to express solidarity with their striking brethren.

------------------------------------------


PHILS PHILOSOPHY

thanks Liz Z


Disclaimer
All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site

are understood to be in the public domain.

If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,

please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.