305

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A Soviet journalist walked into the hospital and told the desk nurse,
"I want to see the eye-ear doctor."
"There is no such doctor" she tells him.
"Perhaps you would like to see someone else?"
"No, I need to see an eye-ear doctor," he says
."But there is no such doctor," she replies.
"We have doctors for the eyes and doctors for the ear,
nose and throat, but no eye-ear doctor
."No help. He repeats, "I want to see the eye-ear doctor."
They go around like this for a few minutes and then the nurse says:
"Comrade, there is no eye-ear doctor, but if there were one,
why would you want to see him?"
"Because," he replies, "I keep hearing one thing and seeing another."

stolen from Miss Cellania
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Faraway Eyes


Here are the lyrics:
I was driving home early sunday morning through bakersfield
Listening to gospel music on the colored radio station
And the preacher said,
you know you always have theLord by your side
And I was so pleased to be informed of this
that I ranTwenty red lights in his honor
Thank you jesus,
thank you lord
I had an arrangement to meet a girl,
and I was kind of late
And I thought by the time I got there shed be off
She'd be off with the nearest truck driver she could find
Much to my surprise,
there she was sittin in the corner
A little bleary, worse for wear and tear
Was a girl with far away eyes
So if youre down on your luck
And you cant harmonize
Find a girl with far away eyes
And if youre downright disgusted
And life aint worth a dime
Get a girl with far away eyes
Well the preacher kept right on saying
that all I had to do was sendTen dollars
to the church of the sacred bleeding heart of jesus
Located somewhere in los angeles, california
And next week theyd say my prayer on the radio
And all my dreams would come true
So I did,
the next week, I got a prayer with a girl
Well, you know what kind of eyes she got
So if youre down on your luck
I know you all sympathize
Find a girl with far away eyes
And if youre downright disgusted
And life aint worth a dime
Get a girl with far away eyes
-----------------------------------------------

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A man walks pass a beggar on the corner of the street where he works.
The beggar holds out his one hand
and the man drops a coin into his hand.
One day the man walks pass the beggar again
and notices the beggar is holding hold out both his hands.
He asks: “Why are you holding out both of your hands?”
The beggar replied,
"Well, sir, business is going so well
I decided to open another branch".
thanks Duke
-------------------------------------------


thanks Liz Z
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I recall my first time with a condom,
I was 16 or so.
I went in to buy A packet of condoms at the pharmacy.
There was this beautiful womanAssistant behind the counter,
and she could see that I was new at it
. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one.
I Honestly answered, 'No, this is my first time.
' So she unwrapped the Package,
Took one out and slipped it over her thumb
. She cautioned me to make Sure it was on tight and secure.
I apparently still looked confused.
So, she looked all around the store to see if it were empty.
It was Empty.
'Just a minute,' she said, and walked to the door, and locked It.
. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room,
unbuttoned her Blouse and removed it
. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside.
'Do these excite you?' She asked
Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head.
She then said it was time to slip the condom on
. As I was slipping it on,
she dropped her skirt,
Removed her panties and lay down on a desk.
'Well, come on', she Said, 'We Don't have much time.
It was so wonderful,
thatUnfortunately,
I could no longer hold back
and KAPOW.
I was done within a few moments.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown.
'Did you put that condom on?' She asked.
I said, 'I sure did,' and held up my thumb to show her.
She beat the crap out of me...

---------------------------------------------




stolen from Tacky Raccoons

---------------------------------------------


Little Aussie Tow Jobs!
These are the most impressive thing you will see
on an Australian road system.
Because of their size and weight they are not able to move over
on the mainly dirt and gravel experimental highways out west .
The road shoulders are very soft and these big brutes stay well clear of them.
They also don't slow down as the approach you.
One of the scariest things you can do on the road is to attempt to pass one
as they don't slow, move over or assist you in anyway.
It seems to take a lifetime to get past one
and the whole time you must have two wheels on the soft shoulder
and the other two about bloody 12 cm away from the road train
.Another bonus is that you get your car cleaned as you pass a cattle train,
with cow piss!
and when they drive through a small township the smell almost knocks you down.
The big cattle movers seem to be the most uncaring and dangerous.
All that and they are still impressive beasts.

Thanks Charles and Rose
---------------------------------------------------------------------



Tour guide

A tour guide was showing a tourist around Washington, D. C.

The guide pointed out the place where George Washington

supposedly threw a dollar across the Potomac River

."That's impossible," said the tourist

. "No one could throw a coin that far!"

"You have to remember," answered the guide. "

A dollar went a lot farther in those days."

----------------------------------------

More from the Swiss Drum Band

------------------------------------------------------

Those funny animals

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Minister

The minister of a city church enjoyed a drink now and then,

but his passion was for peach brandy.

One of his congregants would make him a bottle each Christmas.

One year, when the minister went to visit his friend,

hoping for his usual Christmas present, he was not disappointed,

but his friend told him that he had to thank him

for the peach brandy from the pulpit the next Sunday

.In his haste to get the bottle, the minister hurriedly agreed and left.

So the next Sunday the minister suddenly remembered

that he had to make a public announcement

that he was being supplied alcohol from a member of the church.

That morning, his friend sat in the church with a grin on his face,

waiting to see the minister's embarrassment

.The minister climbed into the pulpit and said,

"Before we begin, I have an announcement.

I would very much like to thank my friend, Joe,

for his kind gift of peaches ... and for the spirit in which they were given!"

--------------------------------------------------------

OOPS!!!!!!!!!!

-----------------------------------------------

Have been a fan of this group for sometime

Enjoy

stolen from Tacky Raccoons

-------------------------------------------------

Two vampires wanted to go out to eat . . . . ..

.but were having a little trouble deciding where to go.

They were a little tired of the local food in Transylvania

and wanted something a little more exotic.

After some discussion, they decided to go to Italy

because they had heard that Italian food was really good

.So off they went to Italy and ended up in Venice.

On a bridge over one of the canals, they hid in the shadows and waited for dinner.

A few minutes later they noticed a young couple walking their way.

As they neared, the vampires made their move.

Each vampire grabbed a person, sucked them dry

and tossed the remaining bodies into the canal below.

The vampires were extremely pleased with their mea

l and decided to have seconds.

Another young couple approached a few minutes later

and suffered the same fate as the first -

sucked dry and tossed into the canal below

.Our vampires are now fairly full but decide to get dessert.

In a short while a third young couple provides just that.

As with the first two couples, these people were also sucked dry

and tossed over the rail into the canal.

The vampires had had a marvelous dinner but it was time to head back home.

As they started to walk away they began to hear singing

. They were puzzled because no one else was on the bridge.

As they listened, they realized that it was coming from the canal.

They looked over the rail and saw a huge alligator in the water under the bridge,

feasting on the bodies.

They listened as the alligator sang:

You don't know what the alligator sang, do you?

Are you ready?

Are you sure?

Here it comes....

"Drained wops keep falling on my head..."

------------------------------------------------------------


PHILS PHILOSOPHY

Disclaimer

All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site
are understood to be in the public domain.
If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,
please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.

304



Well, I'm back after a few days off in Sydney

--------------------------------------------







--------------------------------------------



A union plumber was called to woman's apartment
in New York to repair a leaking pipe.
When he arrived he was pleased to discover that the
woman was quite a luscious, well stacked dish
and during the course of the afternoon the two became extremely friendl
.About 5.30 p.m., the phone rang, disturbing the bedroom shenanigans.
"That was my husband," she said, putting down the phone
"He's on his Way home, but is going back to the office around 8.
Come back then, dear, and we can take up where we left off."
The union plumber looked at the woman in disbelief.
"What? On my own time?"

--------------------------------------------------


Helicopter crash near Broome

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[Broome is a city in NW Western Australia]

Thanks Gordon H
----------------------------------------------------------

A couple of days ago was the anniversary of the passing of

Nat King Cole

----------------------------------------------------

One Monday morning Phil the Postman
is cycling through the neighborhood on his usual route ,
delivering the mail.
As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars
were still in the driveway.
His wonder was cut short by Derek, the homeowner,
coming out with a load of empty beer and wine bottles
for the recycling bin.
''Morning, Derek, looks like you guys had a great party last night,'
Phil the Postman comments.
Derek, in obvious pain, replies
'Actually we had it Saturday night.
This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning.
We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood
over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild.
We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing 'WHO AM I.'
Phil the Postman thinks a moment and says,
'How do you play 'WHO AM I?'
'Well, all the guys go into the bedroom
and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us,
with only our erection showing through a hole in the sheet.
Then the women have to try and guess who it is.'
Phil the Postman laughs and says,
'Sounds like fun. I'm sorry I missed that.'
'Probably a good thing you did,' Derek responded
'Your name came up seventimes....'

Thanks Duke
---------------------------------------------------
Those funny animals

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Oil Change instructions for Women:

1) Drive into Ultra Tune when the odometer reaches

10,000 kilometres since the last oil change.

2) Drink a cup of coffee , read free paper

.3) 15 minutes later, swipe the Visa and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent

: Oil Change: $40.00

Coffee: $2.00

Total: $42.00

Oil Change instructions for Men:

1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store

and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleanerand a scented tree, swipe the Visa for $50.00.

2) Stop by the Bottle Shop and buy a slab of beer, swipe the Visa for $40, drive home.

3) Open a beer and drink it

4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

5) Find jack stands under caravan.

6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

7) Place drain pan under engine.

8) Look for 19 mm ring spanner.

9) Give up and use crescent wrench.

10) Unscrew drain plug.

11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process.

Curse and swear.

12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off face and arms.

Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.

13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.

14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.

15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver

through oil filter and twist off.

16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter

splashing oil everywhere from holes.

Cleverly, hide old oil filter among rubbish in rubbish bin

to avoid environmental penalties.

Drink a beer.

17) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.

18) Dump first litre of fresh oil into engine.

19) Remember drain plug from step 11.

20) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

21) Drink beer.

22) Discover that first litre of fresh oil is now on the floor.

Throw kitty litter on oil spill.

23) Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.

24) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes

. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug.

Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug

and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.

25) Begin swearing fit

. 26) Throw stupid crescent wrench.

27) Swear for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.

28) Beer.

29) Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow

. 30) Beer.

31) Dump in five fresh litres of oil.

32) Beer.

33) Lower car from jack stands.

34) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oilspilled during any missed steps.

35) Beer.

36) Test drive car.

37) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.

38) Car is impounded.

39) Call loving wife, make bail.

40) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money spent:

Parts: $50.00

Driving Under Influence fine: $2500.00

Impound fee: $75.00

Bail: $1500.00

Beer: $40.00

Total: $4,185.00

But you know the job was done right!

Thanks Charles and Rose

----------------------------------------
Great Card Trick

Thanks Duke

---------------------------------------------------------------

Once upon a time there were four older ladies.

They always sat outside and chatted about when they were younger.

One day they pooled their money together

and bought a laptop computer.

They always wanted to see what Florida was about

and they just happened to click on St. Augustine FL

and they read about the "Fountain of Youth" that was there

. They saved up all they could and sent for four bottles of the magic water

.As soon as it arrived, they drank as much as they could.

The rest of this story will make you a believer because here they are today.

TRUE!

I have a limited supply of this water available at $1250.00 a bottle.

HURRY BEFORE INVENTORY RUNS OUT

.No checks, please- cash only!

Thanks Liz Z

------------------------------------------------

From 1970


----------------------------------------------------------

Q: Did you hear about the gay burglar?

A: He couldn't blow the safe, so he went down on the elevator.

--------------------------------------

Ads from days gone by

Thanks Ray S

-----------------------------------------

Doctor, Doctor I think I’m suffering from Deja vu.

Didn't I see you yesterday?

Thanks Duke

----------------------------------------------

Don't waste beer



--------------------------------------------------------------

Thanks Liz Z
--------------------------------------------

My wife came home from the doctor's the other day

and said that he told her she couldn't make love.

I've known this for years.

I want to knowhow he found out!

---------------------------------------

The wife and I were sitting around the breakfast table

one lazy Sunday morning.

I said to her, "If I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately sell all my stuff."

Now why would you want me to do something like that?" she asked

. "I figure that you would eventually remarry

, And I don't want some asshole using my stuff..."

she looked at me and said:

"What makes you think I'd marry another asshole?"

---------------------------------------------------------


CAR SEX

The photographer must have used a very powerful lens to capture this scene

What did you expect to see?????
---------------------------------------------------

A palindrome reads the same backwards as forward. This video reads the exact opposite backwards as forward. Not only does it read the opposite, the meaning is the exact opposite.This is only a 1 minute, 44 second video and it is brilliant. Make sure you read as well as listen...forward and backward



---------------------------------------------------

PHILS PHILOSOPHY

Disclaimer

All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site
are understood to be in the public domain.
If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,
please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.