Phils Phun

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

313

thanks David J

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A truck driver who had been delivering radioactive waste

for the local reactor begins to feel sick after a few years on the job.

He decided to seek compensation for his ailment.

Upon his arrival at the workers' compensation department,

he is interviewed by an assessor.

Assessor: I see you work with radio-active materials and wish to claim compensation.

Trucker: Yeah, I feel really sick.

Assessor: Alright then,

Does your employer take measures to protect you from radiation poisoning?

Trucker: Yeah, he gives me a lead suit to wear on the job

. Assessor: And what about the cabin in which you drive?

Trucker: Oh yeah. That's lead lined, all lead lined.

Assessor: What about the waste itself? Where is that kept?

Trucker: Oh, the stuff is held in a lead container, all lead.

Assessor: Let me see if I get this straight.

You wear a lead suit, sit in a lead-lined cabin and the radio-active waste is kept in a lead container.

Trucker: Yeah, that's right. All lead.

Assessor: Then I can't see how you could claim against him for radiation poisoning.

Trucker: I'm not. I'm claiming for lead poisoning.

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Love this song

Mathew Tan and the Mandarins

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Those funny Animals

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On their wedding night,

the young bride went up to her new husband.

"Since we're married now, we can arrange our sex life like this:

In the evening, if my hair is done, that means I don't want sex at all.”

“If my hair is somewhat undone, that means I may or may not want sex.”

“And if my hair is completely undone, that means I want sex.”

“Okay sweetheart,” the groom replied.

“Just make sure, when I come home, I usually have a drink.”

“If I have only one drink, that means I don't want sex.”

“If I have two drinks, I may or may not want sex.”

“But if I have three drinks, your hair doesn't matter.”

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Look at the tits on this

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Blasts from the past

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After closing time at the bar, a drunk was proudly showing

off his new apartment to a couple of his friends.

He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet

."What's up with the big brass gong?" one of his guests asked

."It's not a gong. It's a clock," the drunk replied

."A clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend

."Yup," replied the drunk

."How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it

."Watch," the drunk replied.

He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound

and stepped back.

The three stood looking at one another for a moment.

Suddenly someone on the other side of the wall screamed

, "You idiot! It's three-fifteen in the morning!"

thanks David T

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Back to School

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Watch this a couple of times

Very Funny

thanks Liz Z
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A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.

"Mom", he asked,

"Are these my brains?"

"Not yet," she replied.

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My Prayer

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naughty jokes

The lesbians next door asked me what I would like for my birthday.

I was quite surprised when they gave me a Rolex

. It was very nice of them,

but I think they misunderstood me when I said,

"I wanna watch."

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A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue.

Doctor: "What happened?

"Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do.

Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp

."Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that.

When your husband comes home drunk,

just take a glass of sweet tea and start gargling with it.

Just gargle and gargle."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor

looking fresh and reborn

.Woman: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea!

Every time my husband came home drunk,

I gargled with sweet tea. I gargled and gargled,

and nothing happened

!"Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"

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PHILS PHILOSOPHY

Brilliant

"Plaisir d'amour" is a classical French love song written in 1780

by Jean Paul Égide Martini (1741-1816).

It was arranged for orchestra by Hector Berlioz.

Although it has been adapted as a piece of pop music,

it was written in a classical style during the classical period

.The song, originally composed in 1780,

took its libretto from a poem by Jean de Florian (1755-1794),

which is in his romance, Célestine.

The classical French composer Hector Berlioz (1803-1869)

arranged the piece for orchestra.

Notable interpretations of the song include those of Joan Baez, Brigitte Bardot,

Judith Durham Karen Allyson, and Charlotte Church.

It was performed by Irene Dunne in Love Affair (1939 film);

Maria Ouspenskaya accompanies on the piano.

"Plaisir d'amour" is also sung by a children's choir in "The Breaking Point,"

an episode of HBO's 2001 World War II television miniseries Band of Brothers.

The melody was reused for both the song

"My Love Loves Me," performed by Anita Carter

, and the popular song "Can't Help Falling in Love," performed by Elvis Presley,

although neither uses its lyrics or a translation thereof.

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All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site
are understood to be in the public domain.
If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,
please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.

Saturday, March 20, 2010

312

Judith Durham on Rockwiz last year

She's still the best

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Paddy Murphy was sent on his way to Heaven.

Upon his arrival, a concerned St Peter met Paddy at the Pearly Gates.

'I'm sorry Paddy' St Peter said;

'But Heaven is suffering from an overload of goodly souls

and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam

for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals.

' 'That's alright' said Paddy.

'What does the Entrance Exam consist of?'

'Just 3 Questions' said St Peter

. 'Which are?' asked Paddy.

St Peter said,

'The 1st question is, which two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?

The second is: How many seconds are there in a year?

The third is: What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'

'Now,' said St Peter, 'Go away and think about those questions

and when I call upon you,

I shall expect you to have those answers for me.'

So Paddy went away and gave those three questions

some considerable thought

(I expect you to do the same).

The following morning, St Peter called upon Paddy

and asked if he had considered the questions,

to which Paddy replied

, 'I have.'

'Well then, 'said St Peter

, 'Which two days of the week start with the letter T?'

Paddy said, 'Today and Tomorrow.'

St. Peter pondered this answer for some time,

and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question.

'Well then Paddy, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions?'

St Peter went on, 'how many seconds in a year?'

Paddy replied, 'Just 12!

' 'Only 12?' exclaimed St Peter,

'How did you arrive at that figure Paddy?'

'Easy' said Paddy,

'there's the second of January, the second of February

right through to the second of December,

giving a total of twelve seconds.'

St Peter looked at Paddy and said

, 'I need some time to consider your answer

before I can give you a decision.'

And he walked away shaking his head

. A short time later St Peter returned to Paddy.

'I'll allow the answer to stand Paddy,

but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct

to be allowed into Heaven.

Now Paddy, can you tell me the answer to

the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'

Paddy replied: 'Of the three questions,

I found this the easiest to answer.'

'Really!' exclaimed St Peter,

'And what is the answer, Paddy?'

'It's Andy.'

'Andy??'

'Yes, Andy' said Paddy

. This totally floored St Peter,

and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer

. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer,

and turning to Paddy, asked

'Paddy, how in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer?'

'Easy' said Paddy -
'Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited till his Billy boiled.'

stolen from Mostly Safe For Work

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Blonde student

The blonde student went to the library

and checked out a book called "How to Hug"

.She got back to her dorm

and found out it was volume seven of the encyclopedia.

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Those funny animals

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New Shoes

thanks Liz Z

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Elderly Jewish men

A group of elderly Jewish men meet every Wednesday

for a coffee and a chat.

They drink their coffee and then sit for hours discussing the world situation.

Usually, their discussion is very negative

.One day, Moishe surprises his friends by announcing, loud and clear

, "You know what? I've now become an optimist.

"Everyone is totally shocked

and all conversation dries up

.But then Sam notices something isn't quite right

and he says to Moishe,

"Hold on a minute, if you're an optimist,

why are you looking so worried?

"Moishe replies,

"Nu? You think it's easy being an optimist?"

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Phils Phun Weakly Pun

Walking through San Francisco's Chinatown,

a tourist from the Midwest was enjoying the artistry

of all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners......
When he turned a corner and saw a building with the sign

'Moishe Plotnik's Laundry.'
'Moishe Plotnik?' he wondered

. 'How does that belong in Chinatown?'
He walked into the shop

and saw a fairly standard looking drycleaner

although he could see that the proprietors

were clearly aware of the uniqueness of the store name

as there were baseball hats, T-shirts and coffee mugs emblazoned

with the logo 'Moishe Plotnik's Chinese Laundry.'
The tourist selected a coffee cup as a conversation piece

to take back to his office.

Behind the counter was a smiling old Chinese gentleman

who thanked him for his purchase.
The tourist asked,

'Can you explain how this place got a name

like 'Moishe Plotnik's Laundry?''
The old man answered

, 'Ah..Evleebody ask me dat. It name of owner.'
Looking around, the tourist asked

, 'Is he here now?'
'It me, Me him!' replied the old man.
'Really? You're Chinese.

How did you ever get a Jewish name like Moishe Plotnik?''

It simple' said the old man

. 'Many, many year ago I come to thes country.

I standing in line at 'Documentation Center of Immiglation.

Man in front of me was Jewish man from Poland.

Lady at counter look at him and say to him, 'What your name?'
He say to her, 'Moishe Plotnik.'
Then she look at me and say, 'What your name?'
I say, ...
... 'Sam Ting.