376

****

A brunette, redhead and blonde were at a special magic Amusement Park

.One of the rides was a long slide at the end of which was a magic pool.

On the way down the slide,

all the rider had to do was shout out his or her favourite drink,

and hey-presto they would land in a pool full of this drink.

So off they went.
The brunette went first. On her way down she shouted out "Vodka"

at the top of her voice,

and sure enough she landed in a pool of the finest vodka.

After filling several bottles and glasses she went home,

happy but a little un-steady.
Next the redhead - who loved a 10 year old malt,

went flying down shouting "Whisky", and of course into a pool of whisky she fell.

She had to be dragged away practically unconscious.
Now it was the blonde’s turn.

She was very excited, and on her way down

she was enjoying the ride so much she shouted -

"Weeeeeee"......

************

I think this is a blonde driver!!

********

---

Go to school

A University of Alabama football player was visiting

a Yankee relative in Boston over the holidays.

He went to a large party and met a pretty co-ed.

He was attempting to start up a conversation with the line,

"Where does you go to school?"

The coed, of course, was not overly impressed with his grammar or southern drawl,

but did answer his question.

"Yale," she replied.

The UA student took a big, deep breath and shouted,

"WHERE DOES YOU GO TO SCHOOL?"

*************

SOMETHING AUSSIE

Another one of those great Kiwi singers who invaded our shores
------------

--

Australian Speed Bump

don't worry mate its just a python

thanks Gordon H

******

Wonder if my mate Duke has one of these!!!!!



************

Those funny Animals

******************

An Irishman, living in Devon,

goes for a job on a construction site.

The foreman asks, "Can you brew tea?"

The Irishman says, "Yes."

"Good. Can you drive a fork lift?"

The Irishman looks at him and asks,

"An' just how big is the teapot?"

****************

the clour pink again

something for everybody

Wipeout

***

A Spaniard, Juan by name and not nature,

fell in love with Carmencita, a most possessive girl.

She had heard the gossip that his was a wandering eye

but it didn't surprise her,

because that trait was inherited from his primitive ancestors

when they swung continually from limb to limb.

She decided there was only one way she could be certain

her man would remain faithful until she could exchange the altar for the halter.

By accompanying him everywhere, every waking moment,

she became the village joke,

but her vigilance was rewarded when she was able finally

to wed her suitor without his ever once being unfaithful,

a state of grace hitherto unheard of in all of Spain.

Everywhere she went, eager, inquiring maidens

would ask her for the secret of her success

and her wise answer can be condensed to seven words:

"You always herd the Juan you love."

-- Himie Koshevoy


----

Two heavy drinkers were standing at the bar,

downing one beer after another.

When they had gotten a little, shall I say intoxicated,

or inebriated, one man said to the other,

"I bet you one hundred dollars you cannot swallow one hundred coins!"

The second man said, "Bartender! Another round for both of us.

And, I got 20 cents back, right? Well, give me the change all in pennies --

and another dollar's worth, besides!!"

After he finished drinking the brew, and drinking the pennies down,

he passed out on the floor

-- completely unconscious!

When the bartender called the ambulance,

a local newspaper reporter showed up at the hospital where he was taken.

"How is he doing?" the reporter asked.

The doctors, monitoring his situation, said

, "So far, no change."

-- Stan Kegel

******************

One of my old friends, Gladys, attended church services.
She not only attended regularly but she attended religiously.
One particular Sunday the sermon was based on the obscure verse four in Nahum.

The preacher had a bee in his bonnet about the Lord being the Avenger

and that man should not impose his own judgement

in matters of blasphemy and other sins.
The sermon seemed to go on forever,

and many in the congregation fell asleep.
After the service,

to be social, she walked up to a very sleepy looking gentleman

, in an attempt to revive him from his stupor,

extended her hand in greeting, and said,

“Hello, I’m Gladys Dunn.”
To which the gentleman replied,

“You’re not the only one!”

------------------

Blast from the Past

-------

embedding was not allowed for my favourite Jay Black hit

but click this link[below] to watch it

Jay Black recently celebrated his 72nd birthday


COME A LITTLE BIT CLOSER Jay Black & the Americans Jay Black and the Americans

*******************
for the wife

*************



My good friend Don H in Canada

sent me this because he's getting a bit cold

maybe this will make you feel better Don






-------------------------

---------------

This made me laugh out loud






---------------

PHILS PHILOSOPHY

but I leave you with this which is just adorable





************

Disclaimer

All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site
are understood to be in the public domain.
If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,
please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.

375

-

**********

Blast from the Past

***********************

Couples Alternate Golf Shot Tournament

The husband didn't want to play in the "Couples Alternate Shot Tournament" at the club,

but he reluctantly agreed just for the sake of martial harmony.

He got the first shot. He teed off, a par four,

and fired a drive 300 yard down the middle of the fairway.

When they reached the ball, he said to his wife (a novice golfer)

, "Just hit it towards the green, hon, anywhere around there will be

She proceeded to knock the ball deep into the woods

.Undaunted, he said, "That's ok, dear, we'll play it."

He spent five full minutes looking for the ball.

He played it for the shot of his life and actually put the ball

just two feet from the hole on the green.

Arriving on the green he said, "Now, dear, all you have to do is knock it gently into the hole."

She whacked it a good one, right off the green and into a sand trap.

The husband, still retaining his composure,

marched into the sand trap, summoned all of his skill,

and amazingly holed the shot from there

Retrieving the ball from the hole he put his arm around his wife and calmly said,

"Honey, that was a bogey -- one over par -- but that's ok.

She snapped back at him,

"Don't bitch at ME. Only *2* of those *5* shots were mine!"

****************

******

Those Funny Animals

-

-------------

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty.

(I thought it was Forty!)

but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

There are three signs of old age.

The first is your loss of memory. I forget the other two.

You're getting old when you don't care where your spouse goes,

just as long as you don't have to go along.

Middle age is when work is a lot less fun (hmm....) and fun is a lot more work.

Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man.

(Don't get too excited guys, read on....).

Isn't that a bad time for a guy to get those odds?

You know you're getting on in years when the girls at the office start confiding in you. Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.

Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends

and have begun to grow in the middle.

A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down

by his doctor instead of by the policeman.

You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution

is the only thing you care to exercise.

The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress.

You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocker and you can't get it started.

You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling,

and you didn't do anything the night before.

The cardiologist's diet: if it tastes good, spit it out.

Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news:

the good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.

It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.

You know you're getting old when you stop buying green bananas.

Last Will and Testament: Being of sound mind, I spent all my money.

When you lean over to pick something up off the floor,

you ask yourself if there is anything else you need to do while you are down there.

You find yourself in the middle of the stairway,

and you can't remember if you were downstairs going up or upstairs going down.


*****************



-

Yep! It's those people at Walmart again

note.. probation ankle bracelet

thanks Duke

-

-
*************

SOMETHING AUSSIE

Australian Rock and Roll pioneer

This version was recorded in the States

Aussies listening to this will hear an extra 30 seconds at the end

which was not released on the Australian version

*****************

------

Old Mendel Rugelbaum was very old and suffering from a rare disease

and his doctor told him he could drink only human milk.

"How can I get human milk?" Mendel asked the doctor.

"Well, Ruby Finkelstein's just had a baby, maybe she'll help."

So every day Mendel went to Ruby's house for his daily feed

. Ruby was a dark eyed, big breasted lady,

who, in spite of herself, gradually became aroused as Mendel lapped at her ripe breasts.

One day as he quietly lay sucking, she whispered to him

,"Tell me Mr.Rugelbaum, do you like it?"

"Mmmm, wonderful," he sighed

."Is there," she hesitated, her lips parted, eyes aglow,

"is there anything else you'd like?"

"As a matter of fact there is," murmured Mendel

"What?" Ruby asked breathlessly

.Mendel licked his lips.

"Maybe a little cookie?"


*******************




thanks David T

************

*******************

Waitress

A waitress became violently ill while at work

and was rushed by ambulance to the emergency room.

In typical hospital fashion, she was placed on an examining table

and then all but ignored for the next half-hour.

Finally, she noticed a doctor out in the hall and yelled,

"Please help me!"

"Sorry," he replied, "it's not my table."


**************


OOPS!!!

thanks Gordon H

**************

----

Volvo has unveiled an auto designed by women for women called the YCC,

`Your Concept Car.'

Among its cutting-edge femifeatures: --

Turn signals that are able to change their mind at the last minute.

-- An OnStar satellite tracking system that can locate, on command,

all retail outlets within 500 miles

-- Permanent press fenders.

-- A dashboard voice console that's programmed to ask strangers for directions.

-- Side mirrors that make the driver appear slimmer than she actually is.

*****************

Warning bit rude..


thanks Geoff C


********************

Doctors

**************

A couple of young children are at day care one day

when one of the little girls approaches Tommy and says,

"Hey, Tommy, wanna play house?"

"Sure! What do you want me to do?" he asks

.The little girl replies, "I want you to communicate your feelings."

"Communicate my feelings?" questions a bewildered Tommy.

"I have no ideawhat that means..."

The little girl smirks and says,

"Perfect. You can be the husband."




******************


PHILS PHILOSOPHY

***********************

but i leave you with my favorite Ventures hit







************

Disclaimer

All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site
are understood to be in the public domain.
If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,
please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.