390

Some images from the Queensland Floods

------------

On a lighter note

-------------------

--

Parallel Lines
The film must be no more than three minutes long-

It must be as cinematic as possible-

It must feature the following dialogue

and no other lines

'What is that?',

'It's a unicorn',

'Never seen one up close before',

'Beautiful',
'Get away, get away'

'I'm Sorry.'





----------------

Paddy goes to the patent office, having invented a new mousetrap.

It consists of a ramp with a razor blade at the top, set at right angles.

Below the drop is a piece of cheese.
Patent officer: "How does it work then?"
Paddy: "Quite straightforward, really.

The mouse walks up the ramp.

When he leans over to get the cheese his neck goes onto the razor blade

and it slits his throat.”
Patent officer: "Are you nuts?

There wouldn't be nearly enough pressure to slit its throat.

Get out of my office and don't come back until you've perfected it.”
After months of head scratching Paddy makes a single

but vital modification:

he removes the cheese.

He proudly returns to the patent office

and puts the trap on the desk.
Patent officer: "OK, smart guy, enlighten me".
Paddy: "Simple. Mouse walks up the ramp,

leans over onto the razor blade and slits his throat..."
Patent officer: "Sod off, that's exactly the same as before."
Paddy: "No, no! This time he moves his head from side to side saying,

‘So where's the fookin' cheese?’"

-
stolen from Skips House of Chaos




-

Those funny Animals

------

-

Blast from the Past



-----

---


A pastor was doing his children's sermon with all the youngsters

down front to hear the lesson.

He was discussing the story of Jonah.

He quoted the scriptures from Jonah 1 and 2.

"And the Lord appointed a great fish to swallow up Jonah;

and Jonah was in the belly of the fish three days and three nights.

Then Jonah prayed to the Lord,

his God, from the belly of the fish,

saying 'I called to the Lord of my distress and He answered me.'...

and the Lord spoke to the fish,

and it vomited out Jonah upon the dry land." (Jonah 1:17; 2:2, 10).

When the pastor finished the quotation,

he started trying to solicit input from the youngsters

to help him complete his mini-sermon.

He asked, thoughtfully,

"What does the fish vomiting Jonah out on dry land indicate to us today?"

One of the youngsters spoke with great enthusiasm

for the entire congregation to hear.

"It proves that even a FISH can't stomach a bad preacher!"


--------------

Seniors



--

Some Quickies
Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite?

All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary

Got an e-mail today from a bored local housewife, 43,

who was looking for some hot action!

So I sent her my ironing.

That’ll keep the lazy woman busy.

I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill.

Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack

wasn’t what they had in mind.

After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex,

Bill woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman.

That’s when he realised he had made it home safely.

Paddy says to Mick, “Christmas is on Friday this year”.

Mick said,

“Let’s hope it’s not the 13th then.”

Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window.

If it gets any worse, I’ll have to let her in.


I’ve been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper.

To be honest, I only intended to rough him up a bit.

After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy.

Nothing.

A lad comes home from school and excitedly tells his dad

that he had a part in the school play

and he was playing a man who had been married for 25 years.

The dad says,

“Never mind son, maybe next year you’ll get a speaking part.”

Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat.

That’s a lot.

Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month:

time to change supplier I think.

Two women called at my door and asked what bread I ate;

when I said white they gave me a lecture

on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes.

I think they were Hovis Witnesses.

Today, a Muslim was shot in the head with a starting pistol.
Police reckon it's race related

thanks Gordon H for the above quickies

--------

Trunk Monkeys




---

-

A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket

and asked to buy half a head of lettuce.

The boy working in that department told him

that they only sold whole heads of lettuce.

The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager,

"Some asshole wants to buy a half a head of lettuce."

As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him,

so he added, "And this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half!"

The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.
Later the manager found the boy and said

"I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier.

We like people who think on their feet here.

Where are you from, son?"
"Canada, sir," the boy replied.
"Well, why did you leave Canada?" the manager asked.
The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there."
"Really!" said the manager. "My wife is from Canada!"
The boy replied,

"No kidding??? Who did she play for?"

-
stolen from Skips House of Chaos
---

-

Doctors

---

-

BONUS



---

--

"Darling," she whispered after they had finished making love,

"Will you still make love like that to me after we're married?"

He considered this for a moment, and then replied,

"I think so. I've always been especially fond of married women."

---

--

A motorcycle patrolman was pursuing a truck along a Pacific Coast Highway,

when the truck suddenly braked abruptly to make a turn.

The patrolman slammed into the truck's tailgate,

and was seriously injured,

rapidly losing blood which was spurting from a severed artery in his right leg.

A motorist who saw the accident,

stopped and rushed to the wreckage.

He saw the patrolman, pulled off his necktie,

and quickly made a tourniquet, slowing and then stopping the bleeding.

A paramedic who arrived a few minutes later said that the driver's rapid response

using his tie for a tourniquet had certainly saved the patrolman's life.

Now fast forward to five years later.

The same motorist who saved the patrolman's life,

while driving in the same area, lost control of his car,

went over a cliff and crashed into a tree.

His right leg was severely smashed and cut,

and the blood was flowing profusely.

The same patrolman who was injured in the previous accident,

and now in a patrol car, arrived at the scene,

applied a tourniquet that stemmed the flow until the paramedics arrived,

saving the motorist's life.

As the paramedics removed the injured motorist from the car,

the patrolman got a better look at the victim

and realized that this was the very same motorist

who had saved him five years before.

While being interviewed by a television reporter

whose truck at arrived at the accident scene,

the patrolman said,

"It all goes to prove that one good tourniquet deserves another.

-- Stan Kegel

---

-

George goes to the Birth Registration Office to register his newborn son.

The man behind the counter asks the name he wants to give to the boy,

and the father replies: "Euro."

The man behind the counter says that such a name is not acceptable,

because it's a unit of currency.

George replied,

"What? There weren't any objections when I called

my first two sons Mark and Frank."

-

Punny Video





--

-

-

A KGB officer is walking in the park

and he sees an old Jewish man reading a book.

The KGB says "What are you reading old man?"

The old man says "I am trying to teach myself Hebrew."

The KGB officer says, "Why are you trying to learn Hebrew?

It takes years to get a visa for Israel.

You would die before the paperwork got done."

"I am learning Hebrew so that when I die and go to Heaven,

I will be able to speak to Abraham and Moses.

Hebrew is the language they speak in Heaven." the old man replies

"But what if when you die, you go to Hell?" asks the KGB.

The old man replies to that question,

"Russian, I already know."


---

-

thanks Liz Z

-

-

Warning.......Naughty joke

Bob walks into a bar and sees Mike sitting at the end of the bar

with a great big smile on his face.

Bob says, 'Mike, what are you so happy for?'

'Well Bob, I gotta tell ya..

Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat,

and a redhead came up to me..

Tits out to here, Bob. Tits out to here!

She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat'?

I said 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.'

So I took her way out, Bob. I turned off the key and I said

' It's either screw or swim! She couldn't swim, Bob. She couldn't swim!"

The next day Bob walks into a bar and sees Mike sitting at the end of the bar

with a even bigger smile on his face.

Bob says, 'What are you happy about today Mike?'

'Well Bob... I gotta tell ya...

Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat

and a BEAUTIFUL blond came up to me..

.tits out to here, Bob. Tits out to here!

She said 'Can I have a ride in your boat?'

I told her 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.'

So I took her way out, Bob. Way out much further than the last one.

I turned off the key and I said, It's either screw or swim!'

She couldn't swim, Bob! She couldn't swim!'

A couple days pass and Bob walks into a bar

and sees Mike cryin over a beer.

Bob says, 'Mike, what are you so sad for?'

'Well Bob, I gotta tell ya ....

. Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat,

and the most desirable brunette came up to me..

.tits WAY out to here, Bob. Tits WAY out to here.

She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat?'

So I said, 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.

So I took her way out, Bob, way WAY out...

Much further than the last two

I turned off the key, and looked at her tits

and said It's either screw or swim!'

She pulled down her pants and .....
She had a pecker, BOB!

She had this great BIG pecker!..

And I can't swim BOB! I can't swim!"


---

-



PHILS PHILOSOPHY

Dear God,
All I ask for in 2011 is a big, fat bank account and a slim body.
Please don’t mix these up like you did last year.

Amen.

but I leave you with this

[for Celeste]

--
if you want to see Israel sing this song "live"

click this link


OFFICIAL Somewhere over the Rainbow - Israel "IZ" Kamakawiwoʻole



--

Disclaimer

All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site
are understood to be in the public domain.
If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,
please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.

Deer Feeder
thanks LizZ

389

Subtle Cartoons

thanks David T

-

-

Swimming for the Elderly

-

-

The bride tells her husband,

"Honey, you know I'm a virgin

and I don't know anything about sex.

Can you explain it to me first?"

"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply,

we will call your private place 'the prison'

and call my private thing 'the prisoner'.

So what we do is: put the prisoner in the prison."

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles,

"Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."

Turning on his side, he smiles.

"Then we will have to re-imprison him."

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes

but the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love,

gives him a suggestive smile,

"Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

The man rises to the occasion,

but with the unsteady legs of a recently born foal.

Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."

Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her,

"Hey, its not a life sentence!"

-

stolen from Miss Cellania

-

Snow Fail

EMBED-Clearing Snow Off The Roof Fail - Watch more free videos

--

-

A flock of sheep are romping in a field, happily going "baa baa"

to each other and discussing life as usual when suddenly they hear a "moo mooooo!"

They look around and see only sheep.

They carry on playing as before.

"Moooooo moooooo moooooo!"

One sheep can hear it all too clearly next to him.

He shuffles away a little from his friend, a worried look on his face,

and then asks, "Georgie, why are you mooing?

You're a sheep. Sheep go 'baa!'"

His friend replies gladly,

"I know. I thought I would learn a foreign language!" --

Stan Kegel
-

Those Funny Animals

-

-

Parallel Lines

The film must be no more than three minutes long-

It must be as cinematic as possible-

It must feature the following dialogue and no other lines

What is that?'

'It's a unicorn',

'Never seen one up close before',

'Beautiful',
'Get away, get away',

'I'm Sorry.'

-

-

Religion

Two Christians were lost in the Sahara desert .

One is David, the other is Michael.

They were dying of hunger and thirst when they suddenly came upon an oasis ,

with what looked like an minaret of a mosque in the middle .
David said to Michael :

“Look, let’s pretend we are Muslim,

otherwise these Arabs are going to kill us .

I am going to call myself Mohammed.”
Michael refused to change his name , he said :

” My name is Michael , and I will not pretend to be other than but what I am . …Michael.”
The Imam of the mosque received both well and asked about their names.

David said : “My name is Mohammed.”

Michael said : “My name is Michael. ”
The Imam turned to the helpers of the mosque and said :

“Please bring some food and water for Michael only.”

Then he turned to the other and said:
“Well Mohammed I hope you are aware

that we are still in the holy month of Ramadan.”

Noah’s Ark
“Listen up!” Noah said in a demanding voice.

“There will be NO sex on this trip.

All of you males, take off your peckers and hand it to my sons.

I will sit over there and write you a receipt.

After we see land, you can get your peckers back.”
After about a week Mr. Rabbit stormed into his wife’s cage and was very excited.
“Quick!” he said. “Get on my shoulders and look out the window

to see if there is any land out there!”
Mrs. Rabbit got onto his shoulders and looked out the window.
“Sorry, no land yet.”
“Shit!” and out went Mr. Rabbit.
This went on every day for a week until Mrs. Rabbit got fed up with him.
“What is the matter with you? You know it will rain for forty days and nights.

Only after the water has drained will we be able to see land.

Why are you acting so excited every day?”
“Look!” said Mr. Rabbit with a sinister look on his face

as he held out a piece of, paper,

“I got the donkey’s receipt!!”

-

-

Blast from the Past




-

-

Jacob is one of the lucky ones because he's the only one of his family

to have survived two years in a concentration camp.

He's now nearing ninety and his only remaining joy is the national lottery,

which he's been playing for years without success.

But then he wins the big one, a prize of $10 million,

and a journalist from the Times calls on him for a story.

Jacob tells him, "As I'm the only one in my family to have survived concentration camp,

this has helped me decide how to make use of my large win.

So I've decided to donate $5 million to the Save the Children Fund,

$3 million to the Simon Wiesenthal Center,

$750,000 to the Jewish Museum,

$750,000 Hadassah Hospital and $500,000 to be shared amongst my friends.

I'm also thinking of donating $1 from my pocket to the Nazi party."

The journalist is surprised.

"But Jacob, how can you think of donating even $1 to the Nazi party

after everything that's happened to you and your family?"

Jacob rolls up his sleeve, points to his arm, smiles and replies,

'"It's only fair. They gave me the winning numbers." --

Ana Wielander
-

-

Two blondes were playing golf at a foggy par three,

and could see the flag, but not the green.

Each hit their ball anyway.

When they walked to the green,

they discovered one about three feet from the cup,

while the other somehow had gone directly in.

They tried to figure out which ball belonged to who,

since they wereboth using Titleist number threes.

Unable to decide, they returned to the Club House

and asked the golf pro for a ruling.

After hearing their story and congratulating them both on their superb shots

under such adverse conditions he asked,

"OK, so who was playing the yellow ball?"

Three blondes were sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles

with the lines in the water.

A game warden came up behind them, tapped one on the shoulder and said,

"Excuse me, ladies; I'd like to see your fishing licenses."

"We don't have any." replied the first blonde

."Well, if you're going to fish, you need fishing licenses."

"But officer," replied the second blonde, "we aren't fishing

We all have magnets at the end of our lines

and we're collecting debris off the bottom of the river."

The warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough,

there were magnets tied on the end of each line.

"Well, I know of no law against it," said the warden, "take all the debris you want."

And with that, he left.As soon as he was out of sight,

the three blondes started laughing hysterically.

"What a dumb cop," the second blonde said to the other two,

"doesn't he know that there are steelhead trout in this river?!"

-

-

SOMETHING AUSSIE

-

-


CLOWNS

-

-

WOMEN

My wife, a registered nurse,

once fussed over every pain or mishap that came my way.

Recently, however, I got an indication that the honeymoon is over.

I was about to fix the attic fan,

and as I lifted myself from the ladder into the attic,

I scratched my forehead on a crossbeam.

Crawling along, I picked up splinters in both hands,

and I cut one hand replacing the fan belt.

On the way down the ladder,

I missed the last two rungs and turned my ankle.

When I limped into the kitchen, my wife took one look and said,

"Are those your good pants?"

thanks Liz Z

-

-

BONUS

-

-

-

-

-

-

For Toni [smile!!]

Chocolate is a Vegetable
Chocolate is derived from cocoa beans.

Bean = vegetable.

Sugar is derived from either sugar CANE or sugar BEETS.

Both are plants, which places them in the vegetable category.

Thus, chocolate is a vegetable.
Chocolate candy is a health food:

It contains vegetables.

Doctors tell us vegetables are a good source of fiber.

It contains milk.

Milk is good for building strong bones and teeth.
Other healthy chocolates include fruit (high fiber):

Chocolate-covered raisins. Chocolate cherries. Chocolate-covered orange slices.

Chocolate-covered strawberries.
Chocolate and preservatives:

Chocolate has many preservatives.

Preservatives make you look younger.
Chocolate and calories:

A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place.

Now, isn’t that handy?
PROBLEM: Chocolate melting on your hands.

ANSWER: You’re eating it too slowly.
PROBLEM: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car.

ANSWER: Eat it in the parking lot.
DIET TIP:

Eat a chocolate bar before each meal.

It’ll take the edge off your appetite, and you’ll eat less.
CHOCOLATE SUCCESS:

Put ‘eat chocolate’ at the top of your list of things to do today.

That way, at least you’ll get one thing done.
CHOCOLATE HELPS OTHER INDUSTRIES:

If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose.

An entire garment industry would be devastated. You can’t let that happen, can you?
REMEMBER:

‘Stressed’ spelled backward is ‘desserts’.

-

-

Warning...naughty Joke

A local bean farmer was blessed with a wonderful crop this fall.

In fact he had so many beans, he needed to unload them somehow.

With all the hoopla about the upcoming Super Bowl,

he decided that would be a good venue to reach more people.

With this in mind he went to the local TV station to speak with the advertising manager.

The farmer said, "I would like to purchase a minute or two during the Super Bowl

to advertise my wonderful beans.

I have such a bountiful crop of beans of all kinds;

pinto beans, lima beans, navy beans, red beans..."

The sales manager said, "Ok, Ok, I get the message.

And what would you be able to pay for this amount of prime advertising time?"

The farmer scratched his beard, looked off, then said, very solemnly,

"I'd be willing to go as high as $300 to reach those folks."

"$300?" the manager yelled,

"You must be out of your mind!!!

The current sponsors pay through the nose to get the exposure of the Super Bowl!

For example, the makers of Kotex pay MILLIONS of dollars to reach the audience!"

The farmer very evenly replied,

"I'm sure that's right.

But those people are out for blood.

I'm just farting around."


-

-

PHILS PHILOSOPHY

but I leave you with this

[a request]






-

Disclaimer

All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site
are understood to be in the public domain.
If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,
please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.