420

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Planking

thanks Glynis G

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The recession has hit everybody really hard:

My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can't afford batteries.

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.

I saw a Mormon with only one wife.

The bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds,"

 and you call them to ask if they meant you or them.

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it so the Church re-possessed her!

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico .

When Bill and Hillary travel together they now share a room.

Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal.

 Oh Great! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated

 by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!

thanks Kitty L

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Employee:: Excuse me sir, may I talk to you?

Boss: Sure, come on in. What can I do for you?

Employee: Well sir, as you know,

 I have been an employee of this

prestigious firm for over ten years.

Boss: Yes.

Employee: I won't beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a raise.

I currently have four companies after me and so I decided to

talk to you first

.

Boss: A raise? I would love to give you a raise,

 but this is just now is not the right time.

Employee: I understand your position, and I know that the current economic

down turn has had a negative impact on sales,

 but you must also take into consideration my hard work, pro- activeness

and loyalty to this company for over a decade

.

Boss: Taking into account these factors, and considering I don't want

to start a brain drain, I'm willing to offer you a ten percent raise

 and an extra five days of vacation time. How does that sound?

Employee: Great! It's a deal! Thank you, sir!

Boss: Before you go, just out of curiosity, what companies were after you?

Employee: Oh, the Electric Company, Gas Company, Water Company and the

Mortgage Company!

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Come fly with me

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Sandal

A married couple was on holiday in Pakistan.

 They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such,

 when they passed a small sandal shop.

 From inside they heard a gentleman with a Pakistani accent say,

 "You, foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop."

 So the married couple walked in.

The Pakistani man said to them,

 "I have some special sandals I think you'd be interested in.

They make you wild at sex like a great desert camel."

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals

 after what the man had claimed,

 but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex hero he was.

 The husband asked the man,

 "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?"

The Pakistani man replied,

 "Why don't you try them on and see for yourself?"

Well, the husband, after much badgering from his wife,

 finally conceded to try them on.

 As soon as he slipped them onto his feet,

 he got this wild look in his eyes;

something his wife hadn't seen in many years

 - raw sexual power.

In a blink of an eye,

the husband rushed the Pakistani man,

 threw him on a table and started tearing at the guy's pants.

All the time the Pakistani man was screaming,

 "YOU HAVE THEM ON THE WRONG FEET!

 YOU HAVE THEM ON THE WRONG FEET!"

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THOSE FUNNY ANIMALS

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thanks Kitty L

---------------

thanks Kitty L

----

Proof that you can never underestimate

the innovativeness of American Farm Boys:

At a high school in Wyoming. a group of boy

students played a prank..........

They let three calves loose inside the school.

But before turning them loose, they painted

numbers on the sides of the calves: 1, 2 and 4.

School Administrators spent most of the day

looking for No. 3.

Now that's funny, I don't care who you are....

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How to roll a Mercedes

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Some Blokes have all the luck



thanks Jayne M

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Todays Music

Emmy Lou Harris

The Last Waltz Evangeline
unable to embed this great song but you can watch it on this link

http://youtu.be/ryEXqzwrvVA



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It seems this hungry shark visited a seaside restaurant.

Of course a seaside restaurant for a shark is for shore a different thing than it is for humans.

People go to the shore to eat seafood.

 Sharks go to the shore so they can see food they eat.

This particular beach was inhabited only by a herd of cows

who came to graze on the nutritious seaweed growing in the shallows along the shoreline.

In this shallow water also lived many large shrimp.

The bloated carcass of the late Charlie the Tuna had also floated ashore

and was rocking back & forth on a sand & salad bar.

Well the shark took a good long look at this meager menu and then called for the wader.

“Wader, are these the only three things you have to eat here today?”

“Yes, I’m afraid so, sir,”

The wader apologized,

 “In fact these are the only three items that are ever on our menu.

You sea, our motto here is ‘It’s always Starkist, beef or the prawn.

stolen from Archies Archives

--------

thanks Toni for the pun pictures

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You and the Boss

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 Something to offend just about everyone

I'm living next door to a Lebanese couple at the moment.

 They have three little kids and they've challenged me to a water fight in the back yard,

 so I'm just writing to you while I wait for the kettle to boil....

I've caught a stray parrot in my garden.

 All he says is, "good morning you ugly prick?"

It's not yours is it?

I'm sick to death of people knocking on my door looking for donations

. Just had one from the sperm bank.

Boy, did I give her a mouthful.

There's a new anti-depressant for lesbians on the market: Trycoxagain.

I failed my biology exam today.

 I was asked to name 2 things commonly found in cells.

Apparently, Mexicans and blacks is not the correct answer.

thanks Jayne M

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VW Test Drive

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"Latest Book release"

How to understand Women

[1st edition]

 thanks Shelagh N

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Send this to your accountant...........

Q. What is the difference between tax avoidance and tax evasion?

A. Jail.

Q. What's the definition of an accountant?

A. Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.

Q. What's the definition of a good tax accountant?

A. Someone who has a loophole named after him.

Q. When does a person decide to become an accountant?

A. When he realizes he doesn't have the charisma to succeed as an undertaker.

Q. What's an extroverted accountant?

A. One who looks at your shoes while he's talking to you instead of his own.

Q. What's an auditor?

A. Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.

Q. What's an accountant's idea of trashing his hotel room?

A. Refusing to fill out the guest comment card.

Q. How do you drive an accountant completely insane?

A. Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him and fold up a road map the wrong way.

Q. What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don't?

A. Depreciation.

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Manukura - the little white kiwi. from Mike Heydon on Vimeo.

---

 thanks Jayne M

----

Is it OK to own a Canadian?

--------

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 PHILS PHILOSOPHY

Picture of the Day

--

Western Australia

 Cool Swimming hole in the NW

---------

Disclaimer

All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site

are understood to be in the public domain.

If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,

please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.



 419

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During the last week we have lost a couple of Australian legends

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May 21st has come and gone





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An old Sailor and an old Marine were sitting at the VFW

 arguing about who’d had the tougher career.

 “I did 30 years in the Corps,” the Marine declared proudly

, “and fought in three of my country’s wars.

 Fresh out of boot camp, I hit the beach at Okinawa,

 clawed my way up the blood-soaked sand,

 and eventually took out an entire enemy machine gun nest with a single grenade.

As a sergeant, I fought in Korea alongside General MacArthur.

We pushed back the enemy inch by bloody inch,

all the way up to the Chinese border,

 always under a barrage of artillery and small arms fire.

 Finally, as a Gunny Sergeant,

 I did three consecutive combat tours in Vietnam.

We humped through the mud and razor grass for 14 hours a day,

plagued by rain and mosquitoes,

 ducking under sniper fire all day,

 and mortar fire all night

. In a firefight, we’d fire until our arms ached

 and our guns were empty, then we’d charge the enemy with bayonets!”

“Ah,” said the Sailor with a dismissive wave of his hand,

 “Lucky bastard! All shore duty, eh?”

thanks Toni

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Thanks to all who sent in the above cartoons and video's

or I stole from mainly Amy Oops and Toni

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“For their honeymoon, Prince Harry and Princess Kate

 want to go somewhere abroad where they can have complete privacy

 and no one in the country will give away their location.

I think they’re going to Pakistan.”

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Those funny animals

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Words of Wisdom

For every woman with a curve there are several men with angles.

It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.

Can a storm be officially designated as a tornado without touching down at a trailer park?

Always hold your head up, but be careful to keep your nose at a friendly level.

We child-proofed our home three years ago and they’re still getting in!

Whoever coined the phrase “Quiet as a mouse” has never stepped on one.

I wonder who coined the term, “coined the term.”

Shouldn’t the cosmic stupidity hopper be empty by now?

To borrow from our British friends:Bollocks!

Anyone can hold the helm when the sea is calm.

A foolproof method for sculpting an elephant: first, get a huge block of marble, then you chip away everything that doesn’t look like an elephant.

If I get male pattern baldness, I’d like zig-zags please

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Roads of the World

thanks Kitty L

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Yoga for Wine Drinkers

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 thanks Duke

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Headline of the Week

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Today's Music

Kenny Ball and his Jazzmen



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POSTERS

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Politically Incorrect

I had just come out of the store with two porterhouse steaks, a jumbo sausage,

 a bag of chips, and a 6-pack of beer..

 A homeless man sat there and said, "I haven't eaten for two days."

I told him, "I wish I had your frickin’ will power."

Top tip: if you're camping in the summer and the attractive girl

 in the next tent tells you that because it's so hot she

 will be sleeping with her flaps open, it's not necessarily an invitation to casual sex.

 Wish me luck......I appear in court next Monday.

A fat girl served me food in McDonalds at lunch time.

 She said, 'sorry about the wait.'

 I said, 'don't worry, you're bound to lose it eventually.'

I was behind a rather large woman at the checkout.

 She had on a pair of jeans that said, 'Guess.'

 I said, "I don't know........maybe 350 pounds."

Snow in the forecast!

The TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight,

 I thought to myself "fat chance with a face like that!"

I have a new pick up line that works every time!

It doesn't matter how gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be,

 this line is a winner and always end up in bed with them.

 Here's how it goes,

 "Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion?

 Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to you?"

Years ago it was suggested 'that an apple a day kept the doctor away

.' But since many doctors are now Muslim,

 I've found that a bacon sandwich works best.

I took my Biology exam last Friday.

 I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells.

 Apparently Blacks and Mexicans were not the correct answers

thanks Kitty L

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 thanks Dana D

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Put your cursor in the middle and it will slow down.

http://inoyan.narod.ru/kaleidoskop.swf

Check this out .... after watching for a few seconds,

 move your cursor back and forth across the display...

thanks Liz Z
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You know You're A Redneck When . . .

You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.

You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a flyswatter.

Your property has been mistaken for a recycling center.

Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

You burn your yard rather than mow it.

You think the Nutcracker is something you did off the high dive.

The Salvation Army declines your mattress.

You come back from the dump with more than you took.

You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table. (oh ick!!!)

 
 

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Picture of the Day

Western Australia

 Ivanhoe Crossing Kununurra in the NW

Ord River downstream from the overfow gates

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PHILS PHIOLOSOPHY

 stolen from Bits and Pieces Words of Wisdom

Disclaimer

All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site

are understood to be in the public domain.

If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,

please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.