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A couple of weeks back I posted a video of "Magic Clerk"
from the Jay Leno show
Here is the same guy doing Valentines Day
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An elderly man
suffered a massive heart attack.
His family drove wildly to get him to the emergency room.
After what seemed
like hours,
the ER doctor appeared wearing his scrubs and a long face.
Sadly he said, “I’m afraid Grandpa is brain dead,
but his heart is still
beating.”
cried his wife, her
hands clasped against her cheeks with shock.
“We’ve never had a Democrat in the
family before.”
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Useless Trivia!!!
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Orchestra Pranks
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Topical
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A trucker came into a
truck stop cafe and placed his order.
He said, "I want three flat
tires, a pair of headlights
and pair of running
boards."
The brand new blonde
waitress,
not wanting to appear stupid,
went to the kitchen and said to
the cook,
"This guy out there just ordered three flat tires,
a pair
of headlights and a pair of running boards.
What does he think this place
is, an auto parts store?"
"Th ree flat tires mean three pancakes,
a pair of headlights is two
eggs sunny side up,
and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon.."
"Oh,
OK!" said the blonde.
She thought about it for a moment
and then spooned
up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.
"What are the beans for, Blondie?"
She replied, "I
thought while you were waiting for the flat tires,
headlights and running
boards,
you might as well gas up!"
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Those Funny Animals
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Animal Photobombs
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Walrus Exercise Routine
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Oil everywhere
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how can you not love grand children
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China Concept Dance
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A
well-known professor of music was accustomed to receive letters
from amateur
musicians asking for auditions and from
would-be composers asking him to look
at their work.
He always ignored them.
But one
old lady was particularly persistent.
Over and over again she wrote to him to
ask him
to visit her home to hear her cat play the piano.
At last
he gave in.
He had agreed to act as a judge at a music festival
not far from
the old lady’s home
and he decided that it might be amusing to call on her.
So
he telephoned her and arrangements were made
for him to have tea at her home
the following Thursday.
He
arrived at the appointed hour to find that his hostess
was a very pleasant and
cultured elderly lady
and not at all the sort of crank he had been half
fearing.
They sat down to tea and after a little while a cat sidled into the
room,
jumped up onto the piano stool and mewed.
His mistress stood up, walked
across the room
and gently lifted the piano lid, giving the cat’s head an
affectionate caress as she did so.
The cat
sat up, his paws hovered for fully half a minute above the keys,
as though he
were trying to come to a decision and then he started to play,
a little
hesitantly at first –
because it was quite evidently the first occasion that he
had performed
for anyone other than his mistress –
but then with growing
confidence when he saw that the stranger’s rapt attention.
He
played the “Moonlight Sonata” very competently,
two Chopin polonaises with
passion and delicacy,
and then a piece of Scarlatti with a flair approaching
brilliance.
Finally, he played a long piece which the professor failed to
recognize.
The
professor applauded heartily
and turning to his hostess he asked who was the
composer of the last piece.
“Oh!”, she said,
“Didn’t I say? He composes as well,
you know. He wrote that last piece himself.”
The
professor replied “Now that is truly amazing.
You should have it orchestrated.”
The cat
turned round, looking startled and dismayed,
jumped down from the stool,
ran
across the room and out of the window,
never to be seen again
stolen fro Archies Archives
the last Straw
Wales is
well known for its very long place names.
From a
philological point of view,
this is the interesting effect of a language
having
the ability to create compound words.
In English and German we create words
like “Windowshades” or “Butterbrot”
but in Welsh is the ability to create
Compound Sentences.
This has
led to a small village in Wales being named,
and I won’t give a translation,
LANFAIRPWLLGWYNGYLLGOGERYCHWYRNDROBWLLLLANTYSILIOGOGOGOC.
Many,
many years ago, on the side of the road leading into the village,
there used to
be a sign announcing the town’s name,
made of letters carved in wood.
Naturally
this sign was very long
and very expensive to maintain.
One day,
the village council, always short of money,
decided to replace the long wooden
sign with a short metal sign
which wouldn’t cost so much to maintain.
They
offered the old sign to any museum that was interested.
The Scottich National
Museum offered to take the sign and display it.
Robert
Burns saw it and was so impressed
by it that he wrote the now-famous Scottish
song
“OLD LONG SIGN”
stolen from Archies Archives
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Canadian Welder Toy
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POSTERS
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A blonde is speaking to her psychiatrist.
Blonde: "I'm on the road a lot, and my clients are
complaining that they can never reach me."
Psychiatrist: "Don't you have a phone in your car?"
Blonde: "That was a little too expensive, so I did the next
best thing. I put a mailbox in my car."
Psychiatrist: "Uh ... How's that working?"
Blonde: "Actually, I haven't gotten any letters yet."
Psychiatrist: "And why do you think that is?"
Blonde: "I figure its because when I'm driving
around, my zip code keeps changing
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Ship my pants
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What can I say!!
A man living in Kandos
(near Mudgee in NSW, Australia)
received a bill in March for his as yet unused
gas line
stating that he owed $0.00.
He ignored it and threw it away.?
In April
he received another bill and threw that one away too.
The following month the gas company sent him a very nasty note
stating that
they were going to cancel his gas line
if he didn't send them $0.00 by return
mail.?
He called them, talked to them,
and they said it was a computer error
and they would take care of it.
The following month he decided that it was about time that he tried
out the
troublesome gas line figuring that if there was usage
on the account it would
put an end to this ridiculous predicament.?
However, when he went to use the
gas,
it had been cut off.
He called the gas company who apologized for the computer error once again
and
said that they would take care of it.
The next day he got a bill for $0.00
stating that payment was now overdue.?
Assuming that having spoken to them the
previous day the latest bill
was yet another mistake, he ignored it,
trusting
that the company would be as good as their word and sort the problem out.
The next month he got a bill for $0.00.
This bill also stated that he had 10
days to pay his account
or the company would have to take steps to recover the
debt.
Finally, giving in, he thought he would beat the gas company
at their own game
and mailed them a cheque for $0.00.
The computer duly processed his account
and
returned a statement to the effect that he now owed the gas company nothing at
all.
A week later, the manager of the Mudgee branch of the Westpac Banking
Corporation
called our hapless friend and asked him what
he was doing writing
cheque for $0.00.
After a lengthy explanation the bank manager replied
that the $0.00 cheque had
caused their cheque processing software to fail.?
The bank could therefore not
process ANY cheques
they had received from ANY of their customers that day
because the cheque for $0.00 had caused the computer to crash.
The following month the man received a letter from the gas company
claiming
that his cheque had bounced and that he now owed them $0.00
and unless he sent
a cheque by return mail they
would take immediate steps to recover the debt.?
At this point, the man decided to file a debt harassment claim against the gas
company
. It took him nearly two hours to convince the clerks
at the local
courthouse that he was not joking.
They subsequently helped him in the drafting of statements
which were
considered substantive evidence
of the aggravation and difficulties he had been
forced to endure during this debacle.
The matter was heard in the Magistrate's Court in Mudgee
and the outcome was
this:
The gas company was ordered to:
[1] Immediately rectify their computerized accounts system
or Show Cause, within 10 days,
why the matter should not be referred to a higher court for
consideration under Company Law.
[2] Pay the bank dishonour fees incurred by the man.
[3] Pay the bank dishonour fees incurred by all the Westpac clients
whose
cheques h ad been bounced on the day our friend's had been processed.
[4] Pay the claimant's court costs; and
[5] Pay the claim ant a total of $1500 per month for the 5 month
period March
to July inclusive as compensation for the aggravation t
hey had caused their
client to suffer.
And all this over $0.00
Who employs these idiots???
Remember, these "people" walk among us and breathe the same air we do
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Aussie Lamb Advert
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The Duplex
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Your doing it wrong!!!
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This weeks signs
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History Lesson
The difference between Holland and The Netherlands
now you know
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PHILS PHILOSOPHY
WHO HAS TAKEN MY TREES!!
Disclaimer
All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and
videos on this site
are understood to be in the public domain.
If you hold the copyright to any of them and would
like me to remove them,
please contact Phil at
philco@iinet.net.au.
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