Phils Phun

112
This blog is a little late coming, but have been to Kalgoorlie over the weekend
and am still recovering
Yesterday was Paddy's Day and all the blogs that I have read today have their Irish content
Here's my input

NOOKIE GREEN
An Irish priest is in a church on Saturday afternoon, hearing confessions...
A man walks in and kneels down and begins his confession -
Father, it has been two weeks since my last confession.
These are my sins:
Last night I had sex with Nookie Green.
That is your sin?
Yes, Father.
You are forgiven.
Go out and say one "Our Father."
The man leaves.
Soon, another enters and kneels.
Father, it has been one month since my last confession.
These are my sins:
I have had sex with Nookie Green every week for the last month.
The priest thinks to himself this Nookie Green woman is fairly popular with his male parishioners...
Those are your sins?
Yes, Father.
You are forgiven.
Go out and say three "Hail Mary’s."
The man leaves.
Soon, another enters and kneels down.
Father, it has been six months since my last confession.
These are my sins:
I have had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the last six months.
This time, the priest has to ask
– Who is this Nookie Green
Just a woman I know, Father.
Very well - you are forgiven.
Go out and say ten "Hail Mary’s."
The priest closes the church for the evening and leaves wondering who this Nookie Green
woman is...
The next morning, the priest is up in front of his congregation saying mass.
The doors fly open in the back of the church and in walks this woman,
a tall redhead with long gorgeous hair, a green sequin dress, green sequined heels
and a green hat with a long green feather coming from it.
She walks straight up the aisle and sits down right in front of the priest, her knees apart.
The priest cannot help but stop and stare.
He finally catches himself and leans over to ask the altar boy -
Pssssst. Is that Nookie Green?
The altar boy has a look and says,
"No, Father, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes."

AER LINGUS?

As they approached Dublin number 1 runway, the tower heard:

PILOT - Bjeesus will ya look how fookin shart dat runway is?

CO-PILOT - Yer nat fookin kiddin, Paddy

PILOT - Dis is ganna be one a de trickiest landings ever, Shamus!

CO-PILOT - Yer nat fookin kiddin, Paddy !!

PILOT - Right, Shamus, when I say 'go' put de engine in reverse!!

CO-PILOT - Royt, I'll do dat !!

PILOT - An den ya put de flaps down !!

CO-PILOT - Royt, I'll do dat, too !!

PILOT - An den stamp an de brakes as hard as yer can an pray ta de Holy Mudder a Gad!!!

CO-PILOT - I'm prayin already, but I'll hit de brakes as hard as I can.

So, as the wheels hit the ground, Shamus put the engines in reverse, puts the flaps down, stamped on the brakes and continued to pray to the Holy Mother with all his soul.

The brakes screeched , the tyres squealed, and there was smoke everywhere, but, to the relief of all the passengers, and, not least of all, Paddy and Shamus, the aircraft came to stop but a few meters from the edge of the runway!!!

As Paddy and Shamus sat in the cockpit regaining some composure, Paddy looked out of the window and said to Shamus,

"Dat has gat ta be de shartist fookin runway in de world!"

Shamus replied, "Yes, but did ya see how fookin wide it is?"

Cherry Wheeler and the Spudding Tatemacle choir
The Potato Song

Coming Soon

Coming even Sooner
After a long hot summer , this Thursday sees the start of the AFL 2008 Football season..... Can hardly wait

Down south, Bubba called his attorney and asked,
"Is It true theys suin' them cigarette companies fer causin' People to git cancer ?"
"Yes, Bubba, sure is true," responded the lawyer.
"And now someone is suin' them fast food restaurants Fer makin' them fat, an cloggin' their arteries with all them burgers an fries, is that true, Mista Lawyer?"
"Sure is, Bubba."
"And that lady sued McDonalds for millions when she was gave that hot coffee that she ordered?"
"Yep."
"And that football player sued that university when he gradiated and still couldn't read?"
"That's right," said the lawyer."
"But why are you asking?"
"Well, I was thinkin'.... What I want to know is, kin I sue Budweiser fer all them ugly women I slept with?"

In the last blog [no 111] I posted those blokes Cat Fishing
My good mate from Tacky Raccoons [Bunk] says this method of fishing is called "noodling" and these fellows can lose fingers if they pick up a turtle instead.
In the North of Western Australia where there are plenty of mangroves and big tides blokes go 'Mud crabbing"
If one of these strong little buggers gets a hold of you your fingers or toes, it will feel like they are being cut of with bolt cutters
Mud Crabs

Todays Cartoons [Misc]

INFORMATION YOU NEED

Jesse Jackson, Jim Baker, and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book.

It's called "Ministers Do More Than Lay People".

Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink, and be Mary.

The difference between the Pope and your boss...

the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there’s shipping and handling, too

My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.

A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off.

I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid.

My neighbor was bit by a stray rabid dog.

I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically on a piece of paper.

I told him rabies could be cured and he didn't have to worry about a Will.

He said, "Will? What Will?

I'm making a list of the people I want to bite."

Definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex.

As we slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way

Golf Tragedy
Vern was teeing off from the men's tee.

On his downswing, he realised that his wife, Lucrecia,

was teeing up on the woman's tee directly in front of him.

Unable to stop his swing, he nailed it, and hit her directly in the temple, killing her instantly.
A few days later, Vern got a call from the coroner regarding her autopsy.
Coroner:" Vern, your wife seemed to have died from blunt force trauma to the head.

You said you hit a golf ball and hit her in the temple, is that correct?"
Vern: "Yes, sir, that's correct."
Coroner: "I also found a golf ball wedged up her arse."
Vern: "Was it a Titleist 3?"
Coroner: "Yes, it was."
Vern: "That was my provisional."

There is a traditional sport in Ireland, "cliff shoving."

It involves a small rodent, the rarie, being pushed off a cliff.

The competitor who pushes the rarie over the edge with the least effort wins.

Of course, these days people aren't so keen on blood sports.

So, the rodents are nudged into a small shallow pit.

Recently, an Australian competed.

During a break, he mentioned that he'd had an 18-hour journey to get there.

"But I knew it would be a long flight," he said.

"After all, it's a long way to tip a rarie."

Cool Cloud pictures

As I was dropping my son off at daycare the other day,

I over heard some of the children talking about their siblings

."My brother takes karate lessons," bragged one.

"My sister takes gymnastics," said another.

Not to be outdone, the youngest piped up, "My sister takes antibiotics!"

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Sally told her friend,

"I was worried that my mechanic might try to ripme off,

so I was relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid."

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Why is it, that whenever someone says there's a million stars in the galaxy alone,

they always believe you.

But whenever you say there's wet paint, they always have to test it to make sure.

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A boy was in class oneday when his teacher asked him to tell him what shin meant.

The boy said" well in my house, a shin is a device for finding furniture".

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"For those who may not know this: When the preacher says,

'You may nowkiss the bride,' he's only speaking to the groom." -David Gunter

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I have to relate a true story as real life stories are the funniest. Iwent to visit my 80 year old mother in the nursing home recently and she was concerned and annoyed there was a fly constantly hovering around her,

so I said don't worry it will be dead in three days.

Her reply"yeh, well I saw it having s e x this morning so there's going to be more"

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I used to be part of a barbershop quartet, but we never went anywherebecause there were only two of us!

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This baby seal walks into a bar and the bartender says, "What'll ya have?"

The seal says, "Anything but a Canadian club."

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I had a secretary who claimed that she liked to live like she types:

Fast and with lots of mistakes.

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Did you hear what happened to the butcher?

He backed into a meat slicerand got a little behind in his work.

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During a commercial airline flight a Navy pilot was seated next

to a young mother with a babe in arms.

When the baby began crying during the descent for landing,

the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible.

The pilot pretended not to notice and, upon debarking,

he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related paraphernalia.

When the young mother expressed her gratitude,

the pilot responded,"Gosh, that's a good looking baby...and he sure was hungry!

"Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician

said nursing would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.

The Navy pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion exclaimed,

"Damn! And all these years I've been chewing gum."
Thanks Robert Doohan

Does this Microsoft picture look familiar??

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful.

She left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk

.When the milkman read the note he felt there must be a mistake.

He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons...

so he knocked on the door to clarify the point.
The blonde came to the door and the milkman said,

"I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk.

Did you mean 1.5 gallons?"
The blonde said, "I need to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath."
The milkman asked, "Do you want it Pasteurized?"
The blonde said, "No, just up to my tits. I can splash it in my eyes."

Some more funny signs