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Big day out in the Garden of Eden
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stolen from Shelleys Snippets
What is one billion?
According to a recent government publication ...
A billion seconds ago Harry Truman was president.
A billion minutes ago was just after the time of Christ.
A billion hours ago man had not yet walked on earth.
A billion dollars ago was late yesterday at the U.S. Treasury.
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These are the free seats, for the tickets your mate gave you
Three women were sitting around talking about their sex lives.
The first said, "I think my husband's like a championship golfer.
He's spent the last ten years perfecting his stroke."
The second woman said, "My husband's like the winner of the Indy 500.
Every time we get into bed he gives me several hundred exciting laps."
The third woman was silent until she was asked,
"Tell us about your husband."
She thought for a moment and said,
"My husband's like an Olympic gold-medal-winning quarter-miler."
"How so?"
"He's got his time down to under 40 seconds."
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Fourth Marriage
A woman, married three times, walked into a bridal shop one day
and told the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her fourth wedding.
'Of course, madam,' replied the sales clerk,
'exactly what type and color are you looking for?'
The bride to be said: 'A long frilly white dress with a veil.'
The sales clerk hesitated a bit, then said,
'Please don't take this the wrong way,
but gowns of that nature are considered more appropriate for brides
who are being married the first time -
for those who are a bit more innocent, if you know what I mean?
Perhaps ivory or sky blue would be nice?'
'Well,' replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk's directness,
'I can assure you that a white gown would be quite appropriate.
Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as a first-time bride.
You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding,
he died as we were checking into our hotel.
My second husband and I got into such a terrible fight in the limo
on our way to our honeymoon that we had that wedding annulled
immediately and never spoke to each other again.
''What about your third husband?' asked the sales clerk.
'That one was a Democrat,' said the woman,
'and every night for four years,
he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was going to be,
but nothing ever happened.'
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stolen from Shelleys Snippets
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Cartoons
The wife is away ,so Ican post these
Mr Honda, of the Honda Motor Corporation, died and went to heaven for judgement.
At the gates, St. Peter told Mr Honda,
"since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world,
your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."
Mr Honda thought about it for a minute and then said,
"I want to hang out with God. I have a question for Him".
St. Peter took Mr Honda to the Throne Room and introduced him to God.
He then asked God,
"Aren't you the inventor of women?"
God Said, "Ah, yes. Indeed I am".
"Well," said Mr Honda,
"Professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your design."
1- There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.
2- It chatters constantly at high speeds.
3- Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
4- The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust.
5- Plus the monthly down time and aggravation are outrageous,
and don't even get me started talking about the maintenance costs.
"Hmmmm, you do raise some good points" replied God,
"Lets have a wee look."
God went to his Celestial super computer, typed in a few things and waited for the results.
After a moment God said,
"Well, it may be true that my invention seems to be flawed,
but according to these numbers, more men ride my invention than yours.."
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This is one of those songs that didn't do much ,but had a great beat to it
Hey Baby ....DJ Otzi
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Why does the River Mersey run through Liverpool?
Because if it walked it would be mugged.
Man walks into a shop in Liverpool:
Man: Can I have a pair of tights for my wife?
Shop Assistant: Certainly Sir, what size head are you?
What do you call a scouser in a suit?
The accused.
What do you call a scouser in a three-bed semi?
A burglar.
Why are scousers like laxative?
Because they irritate the shit out of you.
What's the difference between a battery a scouser?
Batteries have a positive side.
Why should you never throw beer cans at scousers?
Because if you look hard enough surely you can find some bottles.
Why do Scouse blokes have moustaches?
To look like their Mothers
Did you hear that this year had the coldest day in Liverpool since records began?
All the scousers kept their hands in their own pockets!
Did you know that Liverpool won the Greenest City award this year.
They recycle more car stereos than anyone else in the world
and the churches all have lead free roofs!
Why wasn't Jesus born in Merseyside?
Because God couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.
What should you do if you see a scouse jogging?
Trip him up and give the lady's purse back to her.
How do you make a scouse athlete run faster?
Stick a video player under his arm.
What's the difference between Batman and a Scouser?
Batman can go anywhere without Robin.
Three men, a Scouser, a Mancunian and a Jamaican all in the maternity ward waiting for their wives to give birth.
The midwife comes out and tells them congratulations,
they're all fathers of beautiful healthy boys,
however unfortunately they've run out of the name tags,
and the babies have been mixed up,
so if they could each go in and identify their sons from any family resemblance etc.
The Mancunian wants to go first, so in he goes and comes out with a black baby.
The Jamaican looks a bit confused, "excuse me", he said,
"but don't you think he's likely to be mine ?"
"Probably", said the Mancunian, "but one of them in there's a scouser,
and I'm takin' no chances !!!!!"
Two Scousers have just nicked a car and are checking it over to make sure that everything works before they use it to ram raid the off- licence.
One gets into the drivers seat and asks the other if the indicators work,
to which his mate replies
"Yes, it's working...oh shit, it's stopped...
no, it's OK...stopped again..."
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Picture taken at Liverpool airport
Picture taken at Liverpool airport
Division of the human family into 2 distinct political groups began some 12,000 years ago. Humans existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunter/gatherers.
They lived on deer in the mountains in the summer &
would go to the beach & live on fish & lobster in winter.
The 2 most important events in all of history were the invention of beer &
the invention of the wheel.
The wheel was invented to get man to the beer.
These were the foundation of modern civilization
& together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into 2 distinct subgroups:
Liberals & Conservatives.
Once beer was discovered it required grain & that was the beginning of agriculture.
Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet,
so while our early human ancestors were sitting around waiting for them to be invented,
they just stayed close to the brewery.
That's how villages were formed.
Some men spent their days tracking & killing animals
to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer.
This was the beginning of what is known as "the Conservative movement."
Other men who were weaker & less skilled at hunting learned
to live off the conservatives by showing up for the
nightly B-B-Q's & doing the sewing, fetching & hair dressing.
This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.
Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women.
The rest became known as 'girleymen.'
Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats,
the invention of group therapy & group hugs
& the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat & beer
that conservatives provided.
Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest,
most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant.
Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.
Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added),
but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water.
They eat raw fish but like their beef well done.
Sushi, tofu, & French food are standard liberal fare.
Another interesting revolutionary side note:
most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men.
Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood
& group therapists are liberals.
Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't "fair"
to make the pitcher also bat.
Conservatives drink domestic beer.
They eat red meat & still provide for their women.
Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives,
soldiers, athletes & generally anyone who works productively outside government. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives
who want to work for a living.
Liberals produce little or nothing.
They like to "govern" the producers & decide what to do with the production.
Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans.
That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe
when conservatives were coming to America.
They crept in after the Wild West was tame & created a business
of trying to get MORE for nothing.
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1 comment:
Did you look close to this picture? It's a young girl!
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