379

******************

**********

Eager to make her mark in the world of business,

the attractive new MBA took a job as executive assistant

to the middle aged owner of a fast-growing computer software company.
She found the work challenging and the travel interesting,

but was extremely annoyed by her boss's tendency to treat her

in public as though she were his girlfriend rather than a professional associate.
This was especially irritating in restaurants,

where he would insist on ordering for her, and on calling her

"dearest" or "darling" within earshot of the waiters.
When she told him how much it bothered her,

he promised to stop, but the patronizing behavior continued.
Finally, as he led her into a four-star restaurant,

she took matters into her own hands.
"Where would you like to sit, sweetheart?" he asked,

with a wink at the maitre'd.

"Gee," she replied, "anywhere you say, Dad."

**********************

Those funny Animals

*******************

**************

Two prisoners were having a chat.

The first one said.

"I've got two tickets for the warden's ball, Do you want to buy one?"

"No thanks,"said the second guy.

"I can't dance."

"It's not a dance," said the first prisoner.

"It's a raffle!"

*******************

TSA Cartoons

********

Dateline El Al:

The Israelis are developing an airport security device

that eliminates the privacy concerns that come

with full-body scanners at the airports.
It's an armored booth you step into that will not X-ray you,

but will detonate any explosive device you may have on your person.

They see this as a win-win situation for everyone,

with none of this crap about racial profiling.

It also would eliminate the costs of a long and expensive trial.

Justice would be swift. Case closed!
You're in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion.

Shortly thereafter an announcement comes over the PA system

. . . "Attention standby passengers,

we now have a seat available on flight number 6709.
Shalom!"


thanks Duke

*******************

******************

Blast from the Past

******************

***************

******************

The 76-year-old woman walked down the hallway of Clearview Addictions Clinic,

searching for the right department.

She passed signs for the “Heroin Addiction Department (HAD),”

the “Smoking Addiction Department (SAD)”

and the “Bingo Addiction Department (BAD).”

Then she spotted the department she was looking for:

“Facebook Addiction Department (FAD).”
It was the busiest department in the clinic,

with about three dozen people filling the waiting room,

most of them staring blankly into their Blackberries and iPhones.

A middle-aged man with unkempt hair was pacing the room, muttering,

“I need to milk my cows. I need to milk my cows.”
A twenty-something man was prone on the floor, his face buried in his hands,

while a curly-haired woman comforted him.
“Don’t worry. It’ll be all right.”
“I just don’t understand it. I thought my update was LOL-worthy,

but none of my friends even clicked the ‘like’button.”
“How long has it been?”
“Almost five minutes. That’s like five months in the real world.”
The 76-year-old woman waited until her name was called,

then followed the receptionist into the office of Alfred Zulu,

Facebook Addiction Counselor.
“Please have a seat, Edna,” he said with a warm smile.

“And tell me how it all started.”
“Well, it’s all my grandson’s fault.

He sent me an invitation to join Facebook.

I had never heard of Facebook before,

but I thought it was something for me, because I usually have my face in a book.”
“How soon were you hooked?”
“Faster than you can say ‘create a profile.’

I found myself on Facebook at least eight times each day

— and more times at night.

Sometimes I’d wake up in the middle of the night to check it,

just in case there was an update from one of my new friends in India .

My husband didn’t like that.

He said that friendship is a precious thing and should never be outsourced.”
“What do you like most about Facebook?”
“It makes me feel like I have a life.

In the real world, I have only five or six friends,

but on Facebook, I have 674

.I’m even friends with Juan Carlos Montoya.”
“Who’s he?”
“I don’t know, but he’s got 4,000 friends,

so he must be famous.”
“Facebook has helped you make some connections, I see.”
“Oh yes. I’ve even connected with some of the gals from high school

— I still call them ‘gals.’

I hadn’t heard from some of them in ages,

so it was exciting to look at their profiles and figure out who’s retired,

who’s still working, and who’s had some work done.

I love browsing their photos and reading their updates.

I know where they’ve been on vacation,

which movies they’ve watched,

and whether they hang their toilet paper over or under.

I’ve also been playing a game with some of them.”
“Let me guess. Farmville?”
“No, Mafia Wars. I’m a Hitman. No one messes with Edna.”
“Wouldn’t you rather meet some of your friends in person?”
“No, not really. It’s so much easier on Facebook.

We don’t need to gussy ourselves up.

We don’t need to take baths or wear perfume or use mouthwash.

That’s the best thing about Facebook —

you can’t smell anyone.

Everyone is attractive, because everyone has picked a good profile pic.

One of the gals is using a profile pic that was taken,

I’m pretty certain, during the Eisenhower Administration. “
“What pic are you using?”
“Well, I spent five hours searching for a profile pic,

but couldn’t find one I really liked.

So I decided to visit the local beauty salon.”
“To make yourself look prettier?”
“No, to take a pic of one of the young ladies there.

That’s what I’m using.”
“Didn’t your friends notice that you look different?”
“Some of them did, but I just told them I’ve been doing lots of yoga.”
“When did you realize that your Facebooking might be a problem?”
“I realized it last Sunday night,

when I was on Facebook and saw a message on my wall from my husband:

‘I moved out of the house five days ago.

Just thought you should know.’”
“What did you do?”
“What else? I unfriended him of course!”

********************




KIDS

*******************

SOMETHING AUSSIE





**********************

Two die-hard golfers, Mike and Steve,

are out playing a round when a thunderstorm comes roaring in.

On the third tee, a bolt of lighting comes down and strikes both golfers dead.

Arriving at those pearly gates,

God comes down to talk to the two men.

"Sorry, but we made a mistake," says God.

"It seems that it was not your time to die.

Now, I can send you back, but you have to go back as someone different.

It's just too confusing since they already had the funerals.

In fact your wives are already dating."

After the two golfers have a little talk they approach God

and make their request.

"We decided we want to go back as a couple lesbians," says Mike.

"Good looking lesbians, if you please," says Steve.

"That's no problem," replies God.

"But, I must know why you guys want to be lesbians?"

"Well, we figure if we go back as lesbians,

we still get to have sex with woman," says Mike.

"Plus, we get to play from the ladies tee," adds Steve.

*************

**************

So let me get this straight," the prosecutor says to the defendant.

"You came home from work early and found your wife in bed with a strange man."

"That's correct," says the defendant.

"Upon which," continues the prosecutor,

"you take out a pistol and shot your wife, killing her."

"That's correct," says the defendant.

"Then my question to you is why did you shoot your wife

and not her lover?" asked the prosecutor?

The defendant replies,

"It was easier than having to shoot a different man every day!"


*****************



Cops and Crime

******************

An overweight business associate of mine decided

it was time to shed some excess pounds.

He took his new diet seriously,

even changing his driving route to avoid his favourite bakery

.One morning, however, he arrived at work carrying a gigantic chocolate cake.

We all scolded him, but his smile remained cherubic

."This is a very special chocolate cake," he explained.

"I accidentally drove by the bakery this morning

and there in the window was a host of goodies.

I felt this was no accident,

so I prayed, 'Lord, if you want me to have one of those delicious chocolate cakes,

let me have a parking place directly in front of the bakery.'

And sure enough," he continued,

"the eighth time around the block, there it was!"


*************



PHILS PHILOSOPHY

but I leave you with this




*************

Disclaimer

All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site
are understood to be in the public domain.
If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,
please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.



Fails