Phils Phun

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

112
This blog is a little late coming, but have been to Kalgoorlie over the weekend
and am still recovering
Yesterday was Paddy's Day and all the blogs that I have read today have their Irish content
Here's my input

NOOKIE GREEN
An Irish priest is in a church on Saturday afternoon, hearing confessions...
A man walks in and kneels down and begins his confession -
Father, it has been two weeks since my last confession.
These are my sins:
Last night I had sex with Nookie Green.
That is your sin?
Yes, Father.
You are forgiven.
Go out and say one "Our Father."
The man leaves.
Soon, another enters and kneels.
Father, it has been one month since my last confession.
These are my sins:
I have had sex with Nookie Green every week for the last month.
The priest thinks to himself this Nookie Green woman is fairly popular with his male parishioners...
Those are your sins?
Yes, Father.
You are forgiven.
Go out and say three "Hail Mary’s."
The man leaves.
Soon, another enters and kneels down.
Father, it has been six months since my last confession.
These are my sins:
I have had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the last six months.
This time, the priest has to ask
– Who is this Nookie Green
Just a woman I know, Father.
Very well - you are forgiven.
Go out and say ten "Hail Mary’s."
The priest closes the church for the evening and leaves wondering who this Nookie Green
woman is...
The next morning, the priest is up in front of his congregation saying mass.
The doors fly open in the back of the church and in walks this woman,
a tall redhead with long gorgeous hair, a green sequin dress, green sequined heels
and a green hat with a long green feather coming from it.
She walks straight up the aisle and sits down right in front of the priest, her knees apart.
The priest cannot help but stop and stare.
He finally catches himself and leans over to ask the altar boy -
Pssssst. Is that Nookie Green?
The altar boy has a look and says,
"No, Father, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes."

AER LINGUS?

As they approached Dublin number 1 runway, the tower heard:

PILOT - Bjeesus will ya look how fookin shart dat runway is?

CO-PILOT - Yer nat fookin kiddin, Paddy

PILOT - Dis is ganna be one a de trickiest landings ever, Shamus!

CO-PILOT - Yer nat fookin kiddin, Paddy !!

PILOT - Right, Shamus, when I say 'go' put de engine in reverse!!

CO-PILOT - Royt, I'll do dat !!

PILOT - An den ya put de flaps down !!

CO-PILOT - Royt, I'll do dat, too !!

PILOT - An den stamp an de brakes as hard as yer can an pray ta de Holy Mudder a Gad!!!

CO-PILOT - I'm prayin already, but I'll hit de brakes as hard as I can.

So, as the wheels hit the ground, Shamus put the engines in reverse, puts the flaps down, stamped on the brakes and continued to pray to the Holy Mother with all his soul.

The brakes screeched , the tyres squealed, and there was smoke everywhere, but, to the relief of all the passengers, and, not least of all, Paddy and Shamus, the aircraft came to stop but a few meters from the edge of the runway!!!

As Paddy and Shamus sat in the cockpit regaining some composure, Paddy looked out of the window and said to Shamus,

"Dat has gat ta be de shartist fookin runway in de world!"

Shamus replied, "Yes, but did ya see how fookin wide it is?"

Cherry Wheeler and the Spudding Tatemacle choir
The Potato Song

Coming Soon

Coming even Sooner
After a long hot summer , this Thursday sees the start of the AFL 2008 Football season..... Can hardly wait

Down south, Bubba called his attorney and asked,
"Is It true theys suin' them cigarette companies fer causin' People to git cancer ?"
"Yes, Bubba, sure is true," responded the lawyer.
"And now someone is suin' them fast food restaurants Fer makin' them fat, an cloggin' their arteries with all them burgers an fries, is that true, Mista Lawyer?"
"Sure is, Bubba."
"And that lady sued McDonalds for millions when she was gave that hot coffee that she ordered?"
"Yep."
"And that football player sued that university when he gradiated and still couldn't read?"
"That's right," said the lawyer."
"But why are you asking?"
"Well, I was thinkin'.... What I want to know is, kin I sue Budweiser fer all them ugly women I slept with?"

In the last blog [no 111] I posted those blokes Cat Fishing
My good mate from Tacky Raccoons [Bunk] says this method of fishing is called "noodling" and these fellows can lose fingers if they pick up a turtle instead.
In the North of Western Australia where there are plenty of mangroves and big tides blokes go 'Mud crabbing"
If one of these strong little buggers gets a hold of you your fingers or toes, it will feel like they are being cut of with bolt cutters
Mud Crabs

Todays Cartoons [Misc]

INFORMATION YOU NEED

Jesse Jackson, Jim Baker, and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book.

It's called "Ministers Do More Than Lay People".

Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink, and be Mary.

The difference between the Pope and your boss...

the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there’s shipping and handling, too

My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.

A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off.

I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid.

My neighbor was bit by a stray rabid dog.

I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically on a piece of paper.

I told him rabies could be cured and he didn't have to worry about a Will.

He said, "Will? What Will?

I'm making a list of the people I want to bite."

Definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex.

As we slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way

Golf Tragedy
Vern was teeing off from the men's tee.

On his downswing, he realised that his wife, Lucrecia,

was teeing up on the woman's tee directly in front of him.

Unable to stop his swing, he nailed it, and hit her directly in the temple, killing her instantly.
A few days later, Vern got a call from the coroner regarding her autopsy.
Coroner:" Vern, your wife seemed to have died from blunt force trauma to the head.

You said you hit a golf ball and hit her in the temple, is that correct?"
Vern: "Yes, sir, that's correct."
Coroner: "I also found a golf ball wedged up her arse."
Vern: "Was it a Titleist 3?"
Coroner: "Yes, it was."
Vern: "That was my provisional."

There is a traditional sport in Ireland, "cliff shoving."

It involves a small rodent, the rarie, being pushed off a cliff.

The competitor who pushes the rarie over the edge with the least effort wins.

Of course, these days people aren't so keen on blood sports.

So, the rodents are nudged into a small shallow pit.

Recently, an Australian competed.

During a break, he mentioned that he'd had an 18-hour journey to get there.

"But I knew it would be a long flight," he said.

"After all, it's a long way to tip a rarie."

Cool Cloud pictures

As I was dropping my son off at daycare the other day,

I over heard some of the children talking about their siblings

."My brother takes karate lessons," bragged one.

"My sister takes gymnastics," said another.

Not to be outdone, the youngest piped up, "My sister takes antibiotics!"

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Sally told her friend,

"I was worried that my mechanic might try to ripme off,

so I was relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid."

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Why is it, that whenever someone says there's a million stars in the galaxy alone,

they always believe you.

But whenever you say there's wet paint, they always have to test it to make sure.

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A boy was in class oneday when his teacher asked him to tell him what shin meant.

The boy said" well in my house, a shin is a device for finding furniture".

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"For those who may not know this: When the preacher says,

'You may nowkiss the bride,' he's only speaking to the groom." -David Gunter

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I have to relate a true story as real life stories are the funniest. Iwent to visit my 80 year old mother in the nursing home recently and she was concerned and annoyed there was a fly constantly hovering around her,

so I said don't worry it will be dead in three days.

Her reply"yeh, well I saw it having s e x this morning so there's going to be more"

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I used to be part of a barbershop quartet, but we never went anywherebecause there were only two of us!

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This baby seal walks into a bar and the bartender says, "What'll ya have?"

The seal says, "Anything but a Canadian club."

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I had a secretary who claimed that she liked to live like she types:

Fast and with lots of mistakes.

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Did you hear what happened to the butcher?

He backed into a meat slicerand got a little behind in his work.

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During a commercial airline flight a Navy pilot was seated next

to a young mother with a babe in arms.

When the baby began crying during the descent for landing,

the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible.

The pilot pretended not to notice and, upon debarking,

he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related paraphernalia.

When the young mother expressed her gratitude,

the pilot responded,"Gosh, that's a good looking baby...and he sure was hungry!

"Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician

said nursing would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.

The Navy pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion exclaimed,

"Damn! And all these years I've been chewing gum."
Thanks Robert Doohan

Does this Microsoft picture look familiar??

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful.

She left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk

.When the milkman read the note he felt there must be a mistake.

He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons...

so he knocked on the door to clarify the point.
The blonde came to the door and the milkman said,

"I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk.

Did you mean 1.5 gallons?"
The blonde said, "I need to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath."
The milkman asked, "Do you want it Pasteurized?"
The blonde said, "No, just up to my tits. I can splash it in my eyes."

Some more funny signs

Music

Here is one of the Drifters greatest hits from 1964

The original group featuring Johhny Moore

You can sing along with the clip

Enjoy
Under the Boardwalk

Thursday, March 13, 2008

111
Hot weather continues with those in South Australia sweltering this week

Extremely touching and thought provoking!!

I found this beautiful Aussie Summer poem
and thought it might be a comfort to you.
It was to me and it's very well written;
I hope you enjoy it because it's the best piece of English literature
I've seen in quite a while....
'An Aussie Summer ' a poem by Abigail Elizabeth McIntyre

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Stone the flamin crows mate!!
Its blooody hot mate

You're A Texan If...
1. You can properly pronounce Corsicana, Palestine, Decatur, Wichita Falls, Sabine, San Antonio, Burnet, Boerne, Nacogdoches, Mexia, Waco, Amarillo, and Waxahachie.
2. A tornado warning siren is your signal to go out in the yard and look for a funnel.
3. You've ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.
4. You know that the true value of a parking space is not determined by the distance to the door, but by the availability of shade.
5. Stores don't have bags, they have sacks.
6. You see people wear bib overalls at funerals.
7. You measure distance in minutes.
8. Little Smokies are something you serve only for special occasions.
9. You go to the lake because you think it is like going to the ocean.
10. You listen to the weather forecast before picking out an outfit
11. You know cow-pies are not made of beef.
12. Someone you know has used a football schedule to plan their wedding date.
13. You have known someone who has had a belt buckle bigger than your fist.
14. You aren't surprised to find movie rental, ammunition, and bait all in the same store.
15. Your "place at the lake" has wheels under it.
16. A Mercedes Benz is not a status symbol; a Ford F350 4x4 is.
17. You know everything goes better with Ranch dressin'.
18. You learned how to shoot a gun before you learned how to multiply.
19. You actually understand this and you are "fixin' to" send it to your friends.
20. Finally, you are 100% Texan if you have ever heard this conversation:
"You wanna coke?"
"Yeah."
"What kind?"
"Dr. Pepper."

A couple of good old boys
Cat Fishing in the Mississippi

thanks to Steve Mulvaney

Two old guys were sitting in the park, talking, when the subject turned to getting older.

The first guy said “Women have all the luck when it comes to getting older.”
“What do you mean?” asked the second guy.
“Well,” replied the first. “I can barely remember the last time I got aroused in bed,

but my wife is healthier than ever!”

“Healthier? How is that?” his buddy wondered.

“Years ago, when we were younger, almost every night before bed she’d get these terrible headaches.” he answered.

“Now that we’re older, she hasn’t had a headache in years.”

CARTOONS [Misc]

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.

Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.

In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch,

they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.
Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister,

“When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull,

I’ll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.”
The brunette arrives at the man’s ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it.

The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, noLess.

After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister

a telegram to tell her the news.

She walks into the telegraph Office, and says,

“I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I’ve bought a bull for our ranch.

I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck

and drive out here so we can haul it home.”
The telegraph operator explains that he’ll be glad to help her,

then adds, it will cost 99 cents a word.”

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette realises

that she’ll only be able to send her sister one word.
After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says,

“I want you to send her the word “comfortable.”
The operator shakes his head

“How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer

to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch

if you send her just the word “comfortable?”
The brunette explains, “My sister’s blonde.

The word is big.

She’ll read it very slowly…

“Com-for-DA-bul.”

Arab sex

A guy from a Muslim country was bragging that in HIS country

there is 79 different ways to make mad passionate love.

Ray listened patiently. "That's amazing. Where I come from there's really only one."

"Oh," sniffed the Romeo, "just one? And which way is that?"

"Well, there's a man and there's a woman . . ."

"Praise Allah!!! Number 80!!!"

Aussie Beer

Carlton Draught Beer ad

Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes,

charter a double-Decker bus for a weekend trip toTownsville.
The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus,

and the Blonde team rode on the top level.
The Brunette team down below really whooped it up,

having a great time,

when one of them realized she hadn’t heard anything from the Blondes upstairs.
She decided to go up and investigate.
When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the Blondes in fear,

staring straight ahead at the road,

clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.
the brunette asked, “What the heck’s going on up here?
We’re having a great time downstairs!”
One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard and whispered…
“YEAH, BUT YOU’VE GOT A DRIVER!?!”

Albino Koala

Some funny signs

Hamish and Dougal are sitting in the pub discussing Hamish’s forthcoming wedding.
“Ach, it’s all going grand,” says Hamish.

“I’ve got everything organized already:

the flowers, the church, the cars, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night.”
Dougal nods approvingly.
“Heavens, I’ve even bought a kilt to be married in!” continues Hamish.
“A kilt?” exclaims Dougal.

“That’s braw, you’ll look pure smart in that. And what’s the tartan?”
“Och,” says Hamish,

“I imagine she’ll be in white.”

Inexplicable behavior

There was a young Scottish lad named Angus who decided to try life in America.

He found an apartment in a small building and settled in.

After a week or two, his mother called from Aberdeen

to see how her son was doing in his new life.

"I'm fine," Angus said,

"But there are some really strange people living here in America.

One woman cries all day long, another lies on her floor moaning,

and there is a guy next door to me who bangs his head on the wall all the time."

"Well, ma wee laddie," says his mother,

"I suggest you don't associate with people like that."

"Oh," says Angus, "I don't, Ma'am, I don't.

No, I just stay inside ma apartment all day and night, playing ma bagpipes."

MUSIC

It has been quite awile since we had some Aussie videos

This Aussie group was huge in Australia and England and parts of Europe

Their biggest hit was "Friday on my Mind"

Posted below are three of the groups successful hits in Australia

Crank up your sound and enjoy the

EASYBEATS

She's so Fine

I'll make you happy

Come and See her

Sunday, March 9, 2008

110
Well,another weekend dead and buried,
and I am absolutely buggered,
having worked all weekend
However there is a method in my madness,
am off to Kalgoorlie next weekend to enjoy a schooner[beer] or two

What were they thinking

pinched from Shelleys Snippets

You Know You are from Finland if!!!
You meticulously manage your plastic bag collection.

You don`t think twice about putting wet dishes in the cupboard to dry.

Silence is fun.

Your coffee consumption exceeds 8 cups a day.

You pass a grocery store and think: "Wow, it`s open!"

Your native language has seriously deteriorated.

Now you "eat medicine", "open the television", and "close the lights off".

You associate pea soup with Thursday.

Your notion of street life is reduced to hanging out in front of the railway station on Friday nights.

After a presentation, you finally stop asking "Are there any questions?"

Hugging is reserved for sexual foreplay.

You no longer look at a track suit as casual wear, but consider it acceptable for formal occasions.

Neither do you see a problem wearing white socks with loafers.

You accept alcohol as food.

You no longer eat mashed potatoes - you eat smashed potatoes.

You understand why the Finnish language has no future tense.

You know that "one" beer means "let`s get pissed."

When a stranger smiles at you, you assume he is drunk, insane, or American.

You`ve become lactose intolerant.

You know how to prepare herring 105 different ways.

CARTOONS [Misc]

Cheating Wife
A man and a woman meet at a bar one night and are getting along really well.

They decide to go back to the woman's house where they engage in passionate lovemaking.

The woman suddenly turns up her ear and says,

"Quick, my husband just got home, go hide in the bathroom!"

So the man runs into the bathroom.

Her husband comes up into the bedroom and looks at her.

"Why are you naked?" he asks.

Well, I heard you pull up outside,

so I thought I would come up here and get ready to receive you."

"Okay," the man replies, "I'll go get ready."

He goes into the bathroom before his wife can stop him

and sees a naked man standing there clapping his hands.

"Who the hell are you?" the man asks.

"I am from the exterminator company,

your wife called me in to get rid of the moths you are having problems with."

The husband exclaims, "But you're naked!"

The man then looks down and jumps back in surprise.

"Those little bastards!"

"In Fyfe, Scotland, there's an annual tench-eating competition

[tench are small fish like sardines].

The world champion, Sven from Finland, was in Fyfe to defend his title.

Local boy Hix won through to the final and it was a contest between him and Sven.

The result was that Hix ate 27 tench and Sven managed only nine -

so Hix was crowned world champion.

The headline?
One To Three For Fyfe's Hix, Sven Ate Nine Tench."
This is possibly the worst pun I have ever posted on this site.

Those of you that have ever watched an Alfred Hitchcock movie

will have noticed that he nearly always appear somewhere in the movie in a cameo role

Here is a collection

Wanker of the Week

A MONSTER crocodile came within a metre of making a meal of a foolhardy fisherman

in a Top End river last week.
The saltie came alongside the small boat

– probably looking for a free feed of fish

– and suddenly exploded out of the water.
It almost got to grips with 27-year-old Novon Mashiah,

who was leaning over the back of the dinghy posing for a photograph.

The crocodile – estimated to be more than 4m long

– hit the side of the boat and then fell back into the water.
"One minute I was leaning over the boat teasing it for a picture," Mr Mashiah said.

"The next minute it burst out of the water . . .
"I jumped back and the croc landed on the boat and then slipped into the water.

I was shaking."
Mr Mashiah's mate, Doron Aviguy, 22, took the photograph from a bigger boat nearby.

The two Israeli backpackers were working as fishermen on the South Alligator River

when they saw the saltie on Friday morning

and Mr Mashiah "began playing with it for a photo".
"I was pointing at it when it suddenly jumped up at me.
"I didn't realise that crocs were so aggressive
[Duh!!]

A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all.""Me neither, doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:1. All the DNA is the same.2. There are no dental records.

Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion."Joe: "Really?"Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell."While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice. "What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?" "Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it all in one."

Grandpa was driving with his 9 year old granddaughter and beeped the horn by mistake. She turned and looked at him for an explanation.He said, "I did that by accident."She replied, "I know that, Grandpa."He replied, "How did you know?"She said, "Because you didn't say "asshole" afterwards

This guy has been sitting in a bar all night, staring at a blonde wearing the tightest pants he's ever seen. Finally his curiosity gets the best of him, so he walks over and asks, "How do you get into those pants?"The young woman looks him over and replies, "Well, you could start by buying me a drink."