Sunday, October 19, 2008

172

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Johnny the Bagger
Will you be a Johnny today??
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"Never mind, maybe next year"



Please don't take my teddy!



Me and my Mate

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The Boston.com
Has Incredible Pictures of the World, Animals, the World
and lots more
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The Cure
A man goes to his doctor for his annual physical complaining of all kinds of mysterious ailments -- lack of sleep, no drive, very little appetite, nervous, etc.
After a complete exam, the doctor can find nothing physically wrong
and suspects the man is suffering from depression.
The two had been friends for many years,
so the doctor did not hesitate to ask the man about his personal life.
"Well, if you must know," said the patient,
"I cannot stand my wife. She's made my life unbearable.
I fantasize all the time about killing that damn witch.
In fact, if you are truly my friend, you'll give me some kind of untraceable poison to give her,
so I may end my misery."
The doctor explained that not only was that illegal,
it would in fact, violate his oath to save lives.
He said, "Besides, you'll get life in prison yourself, at best.
I'll tell ya what though, I can give you this powerful aphrodisiac to slip into her coffee.
You can then 'love her to death'.
No jury in the world is going to convict a man for loving his wife too much.
She'll be gone in a month at best."
The man blessed the doctor,
went home and started putting the love elixir in his wife's coffee the very next morning.
Three weeks later, the doctor hasn't heard a word from his friend,
and becomes concerned.
After office hours, he stops by his friend's house to see if all is well.
He finds his friend sitting on the sun deck,
wrapped in a blanket, even though it's a warm Spring day.
The man's face was gaunt and pale, he'd lost Lord knows how much weight,
and looked terrible.
The doctor asked, "What the heck happened???
"The man said, "I followed your advice to the letter.
That woman and I made love like a pair of crazed rabbits, day and nite."
Then, he chuckled, causing a terrible wheeze.
Just then the wife appeared from inside the house.
All slim and trim and dressed in tennis clothes; smiling,
she said she was off for a few sets of tennis.
As she leaped into her new sports car, her husband cackled and said to the doctor,
"Look at that dumb crazy bitch.
She hasn't a lick of sense.
If she only knew she has less than a week to live she wouldn't be so darned frisky."
stolen from Comedy Plus
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Can he do it???
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CARTOONS...Seniors







My Granma is a swinger!!!!




At the Olympics training ground a journalist
walked up to a man who was carrying a long pole.
He said to him ''are you a pole vaulter''
'' no I am German
and how did you know my name was Walter''
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The amazing Australian Lyrebird
You’ll meet an amazing bird in this video.
Some birds sing majestic and beautiful songs.
Some just have ear-splitting squawks.
The Lyrebird’s song is something else entirely.
In this video, David Attenborough tracks down one of these unusual birds.
The Lyrebird can easily mimic other birds’ calls.
More than that, it can mimic nearly any sound it hears.
You’ll be floored by what comes out of his bird’s beak.
At first you won’t believe your ears.
But it’s all real!



stolen from Big Shot Bob in Texas
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There was this man in a mental hospital.
All day he would put his ear to the wall and listen.
The doctor would watch this guy do this day after day.
So the doctor finally decided to see what the guy was listening to,
so he put his ear up to the wall and listened.
He heard nothing.
So he turned to the mental patient and said,
"I don't hear anything."
The mental patient said,
"Yeah, I know. It's been like that for months!"
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Do tou get Double time for this????


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Here is a addictive Game you can try
I got 840
That should be easy to beat

http://games.yahoo.com/free-games/marble-lines

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Three cowboys were sitting in a bar discussing women.
"I think Southern Women are the prettiest," one of them said.
"I think Southern women are the toughest," said another.
The third said, "I think they're the most polite.
That's why they don't like group sex."
His friends looked at him, confused.
"They don't like group sex?"
"Nope, too many thank-you notes to write."



A barman looks out the window of his bar and sees a guy riding a horse
dressed in a hunting outfit with a rifle over one arm and a hound running along beside him.
He dismounts and comes walking into the bar
where upon he takes the rifle off his shoulder and starts wandering around
with his dog sniffing ever table, chair and small corner of the bar.
After a while he approaches the barman who asks him what he's doing.
And the guy replies - "I'm hunting you idiot... can't you see that!"
"OK, OK..." says the barman, "Would you like a drink while you hunt ?".
Immediately the hunter says,
" Do you have any cheap Gin !!?".
Rather taken a back by the abruptness of his request the barman replies,
"No I'm sorry I'm all out of the cheap stuff is there anything else you'd like ? ".
"No" says the hunter and he starts to leave.
As he reaches the door the barman calls after him,
"By the way pal... exactly what do you hunt?"
" I hunt for cheap gin you bumbling idiot!
Couldn't you tell that -
I'm a BarGIN Hunter!"




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Music
Some more Ukuele music...Listen carefully, very funny
Ukuele Orchestra of Great Britain.....Shaft

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A FEMINIST VIEW OF MEN
Men are like ... newborn babies. They're cute at first, but you get tired of picking up their crap.
Men are like ... computers. Hard to figure out and never enough memory.
Men are like ... coolers. Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.
Men are like ... chocolate bars. Sweet, smooth and they usually head right for your hips.
Men are like ... power tools. They make a lot of noise, but it's hard to get them to work.
Men are like ... remote controls. Simple. Easy to use. And usually lying around a TV.
Men are like .... shag carpets. Soft, fuzzy and extremely easy to walk on.
Men are like ... vacuum cleaners. They're not much fun, but at least you get to push them around.
Men are like ... road kill. They usually just lie around until they start to smell.
Men are like ... soap operas. They're fun to watch, but don't believe everything you hear.
Men are like ... pillows. Eventually, even the best ones get soft and lumpy.
Men are like ... old car tires. Balding, full of hot air, and it never hurts to have a spare.
Men are like ... plastic wrap Cheap. Clingy. and very easy to see through.
Men are like ... horoscopes. They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.
Men are like .. cement. After getting laid, they take a long time to get hard.
Men are like ... plungers. They spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom.

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I think this is a shotgun weddding...Redneck style



My mate is addicted to brake fluid.But he reckons he can stop at any time.
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Have you noticed that all the people in favour of birth control have all been born



Fish for supper






Posted by Phils Phun at 9:36 AM 2 comments

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

171

Priest Off
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Paddy was walking through a town one day when he say a shop with a notice in the window.
The notice said "We sell everything".
Paddy could not believe this so he went inside.
He walked to the counter and asked the salesperson,
"Do you really sell everything?"
The salesperson said "Yes, everything".
Thinking this was too good to be true
Paddy said "OK then could I have a jumper for a chicken?".
The salesperson said
"A jumper for a chicken?, hold on I will have to check the stock out the back".
Five minutes later, the salesperson returned with a brown paper bag.
"Here you go, one jumper for a chicken"
"How much?" asked Paddy.
"Three quid." replied the salesperson.
"Three quid for a jumper for a chicken - excellent." said Paddy.
So away he went as happy as larry.
When he got outside he thought to himself that maybe he was done,
so he looked inside the bag.
At the bottom of the bag was a condom.
He was mad and stormed back into the shop.
He screamed at the saleperson
"Hey, I asked you for a jumper for a chicken
and you have given me a condom - whats going on?"
The salesperson replied,
"Sorry mate, I checked in the back and we seem to be all out of jumpers for chickens,
all we had was a pullover for a cock
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What can I say!!!!

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I thought this might cheer up you stressed up guys with this little joke.
A smug railway porter with a cheeky smile on his face,
''did you Miss the train, sir?
The passenger replied
'' No mate, I didn't like the look of it, so I chased it out of the bloody station''
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Cartoons









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Music
This is 5 minutes long, but it is a fantastic 5 minutes
It starts of a little slowly, but it is
Just brillant
Ukulele Orchestra of Great Britain
The Good, the Bad and the Ugly
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Top Ten Reasons for ...
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING NORWEGIAN:
1. You get to pay the highest taxes in the world.
2. You can kill baby seals and eat Rudolf the Reindeer.
3. You live in total freezing darkness half the year and get 24 hour ozone-hole radiation the other half.
4. You can get capital punishment for smoking dope.
5. You can go skiing in your knickers.
6. You get to hate the Swedes and beat the Brazilians in football.
7. You have to be a woman to get anywhere.
8. You don't need to worry about land prices rocketing - its fairly spacious.
9. When abroad you can impress people you meet with stories about killing polar bears and shagging penguins - and they believe you.
10. You can actually get bored with blondes.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING ENGLISH :
1. Two World Wars and One World Cup.
2. Warm beer.
3. You get to confuse everyone with the rules of cricket.
4. You get to accept defeat graciously in major sporting events.
5. Union jack underpants.
6. Water shortages guaranteed every single summer.
7. You can live in the past and imagine you are still a world power.
8. Bathing once a week - whether you need to or not.
9. Ditto changing underwear.
10. Beats being Welsh.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING SCOTTISH :
1. You ain't English!
2. You ain't English!
3. You ain't English!
4. You ain't English!
5. You ain't English!
6. You ain't English!
7. You ain't English!
8. You ain't English!
9. You ain't English!
10. You ain't English!
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING ITALIAN :
1. In-depth knowledge of bizarre pasta shapes.
2. Unembarrassed to wear fur.
3. No need to worry about tax returns.
4. Glorious military history prior to 400BC.
5. Can wear sunglasses inside.
6. Political stability.
7. Flexible working hours.
8. Live near the Pope.
9. Can spend hours braiding girlfriend's armpit hair.
10. Country run by Sicilian murderers.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING SPANISH :
1. Glorious history of killing South American tribes.
2. The rest of Europe thinks Africa begins at the Pyrenees.
3. You get your beaches invaded by Germans, Danes, Brits, etc.
4. The rest of your country is already invaded by Moroccans.
5. Everybody else makes crap paella and claims it's the real thing.
6. Honesty.
7. Only sure way of bedding a woman is to dress up in stupid, tight clothes and risk your life in front of bulls.
8. You get to eat bull's testicles.
9. Gibraltar.
10. Supported Argentina in Falklands War.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING GERMAN :
1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10. Give them a second chance
1. Oktoberfest.
2. Okotberfest-beer.
3. BMW.
4. VW.
5. Audi.
6. Mercedes.
7. On a highway you can travel at a speed that would bring you to jail in any other country of the world.
8. You do not have to learn German as a foreign language.
9. You think Sauerkraut is delicious.
10.Contrary to common belief laughing is not forbidden by law (yet).
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING INDIAN :
1. Chicken Madras.
2. Lamb Passanda.
3. Onion Bhaji.
4. Bombay Potato.
5. Chicken Tikka Masala.
6. Rogan Josh.
7. Popadoms.
8. Chicken Dopiaza.
9. Kingfisher lager.
10. Aggravate everyone else by shaking your head when talking.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING WELSH:
1. You've got to be having a laugh, haven't you?
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING IRISH :
1. Guinness.
2. 18 children because you can't use contraceptives.
3. You can get into a fight just by marching down someone's road.
4. Pubs never close.
5. Can use Papal edicts on contraception passed in secon Vatican Council of 1968 to persuade your girlfriend that you can't have sex with a condom on.
6. No one can ever remember the night before.
7. Kill people you don't agree with.
8. Stew.
9. More Guinness.
10. Eating stew and drinking Guinness in an Irish pub at 3 in the morning after a bout of sectarian violence.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING CANADIAN :
1. It beats being an American.
2. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.
3. You can play ice hockey 12 months a year, outdoors.
4. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.
5. Where else can you travel 1000 miles over fresh water in a canoe?
6. A political leader can admit to smoking pot and his/her popularity ratings will rise.
7. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.
8. Kill Grizzly bears with huge shotguns and cover your house in their skins.
9. Own-an-Eskimo scheme.
10. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING AUSTRALIAN:
1. Know your great-grand-dad was a murdering bar steward that no civilized nation on earth wanted.
2. Fosters Lager.
3. Dispossess Aborigines who have lived in your country for 40,000 years because you think it belongs to you.
4. Cricket captain not afraid to cry live on TV.
5. Tact and sensitivity.
6. Bondi Beach.
7. Other beaches.
8. Liberated attitude to homosexuals.
9. Drinking cold lager on the beach.
10. Having a bit of a swim and then drink some cold lager on the beach.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING GREEK
1.You get to shout about your culture although the only real culture most Greeks have is what is growing between their toes.
2.The police are even more corrupt than the criminals they are supposed to be chasing.
3.You can blow your nose in the street by pinching it between the thumb and forefinger and trumpeting forth without everyone around wretching their stomach contents up at the sight. 4.Old women can sport moustaches.
5.Young women can sport moustaches.
6.Men can be hairier than the average grizzly bear and not get put in a zoo.
7.You get to call the bouzouki a musical instrument when the rest of the world sees it as an instrument of torture.
8.You are the only nation to have lost its marbles and still wants to let everyone else around the world know about it.
9.Ridiculous bureaucracy.
10.Nana Mouskouri and Demis Roussos
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One small step for man



A man was walking down the street and he seen a small boy who was crying.
The man asked him what his name was.
The boy replied,
'Sixandseveneighths McPhee.
'The man said ''how on earth did you get a name like that.''
the wee boy said his mum and dad couldn't agree on a name
so they just picked it out of a hat''
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Last night police were called to a branch of Pizza Hut
after a body of a member of staff was found covered in
mushrooms, onions ham and cheese.
The police spokesman said that there was a strong possibility
that the man had topped himself.
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Role reversal...Ducks revenge

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Two five year old boys are standing at the toilet.
One says, "Your willy doesn't have any skin on it!"
"I've been circumcised."
"What's that mean?"
"It means they cut the skin off the end of my willy"
"When did that happen?"
'' when I was about six weeks old."
"Was it sore?"
"Sore! I couldn't walk for a bloody year!"
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Blondes have more fun

Posted by Phils Phun at 7:05 PM 2 comments

Sunday, October 12, 2008

170


______________________________________________________________________________________
A young Priest in Whyalla, South Australia, was asked by a funeral director to hold a grave-side service for a homeless man, who had no family or friends.
The funeral was to be held at a new cemetery way back in the country,
and this man would be the first to be buried there.
The Priest was not familiar with the bush and soon became lost.
Being a typical man, he did not stop to ask for directions.
He finally arrived an hour late.
The Priest saw the backhoe and the open grave, but the hearse was nowhere in sight.
The digging crew was eating lunch.
The priest apologized to the workers for his tardiness,
and stepped to the side of the open grave.
There he saw the vault lid already in place.
The priest assured the workers he would not hold them up for long,
as he told them that this was the proper thing to do.
The workers gathered around the grave and stood silent by,
as the Priest began to pour out his heart and soul.
As he preached about `looking forward to a brighter tomorrow'
and `the glory that is to come,'
the workers began to say
`Amen,' `Praise the Lord,' and `Glory!'
The fervor of these men truly inspired the priest.
So, he preached and preached like he had never preached before,
all the way from Genesis to Revelations.
He finally closed the lengthy service with a prayer,
thanked the men, and walked to his car.
As the priest was opening the car door and taking off his coat,
he heard one of the workers say to another,
`I ain't NEVER seen nothin' like that before,
and I've been puttin' in septic tanks for thirty years!'
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A collection of Funny Commercials
Newspaper delivery in India
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Idle Thoughts of a Retired Person whose Mind Wanders...
I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
I had amnesia once -- or twice. I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what?
Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
If the world was a logical place, men would ride horses sidesaddle.
What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them.
Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto a freeway.
Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.
Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.
When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to look like a nail.
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
What was the greatest thing before sliced bread? Hmmmm.
My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
How can there be self-help "groups"?
Is there another word for synonym?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
The speed of time is one-second per second.
Is it possible to be totally partial?
What's another word for thesaurus?
Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?
If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.
It's not an optical illusion. It just like one
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Todays Cartoons










Music
Escape....Rupert Holmes [the Pina Colada Song]


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Pun intended
The roundest knight at king Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.
I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.
A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
Now matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, ‘You stay here, I’ll go on a head.’
I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab centre said: ‘Keep off the Grass.’
A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, ‘No change yet.’
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
It’s not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn’t have the balls to do it.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
A backward poet writes inverse.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
Don’t join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!
stolen from Bits and Pieces

Punny cartoons



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Jeb and Jethro live in the hills, about 5 miles outside of town.
Jeb asks Jethro to go in to town to pick up some lumber.
Jethro walks the 5 miles to town to the locallumber yard.
"Jeb says we're gonna need some 4 x 2's"
Jethro tells the yardman.
"Do you mean 2 x 4's?" asks the yardman
."Well, I don't rightly know, I better go ask Jeb" says Jethro
and walks the 10 miles to the hills and back to town
."Jeb says we're gonna need 2 x 4's"
Jethro tells the yardman.
"Now, how many 2 x 4's will you need?" asks the yardman."
Well, I don't rightly know, I better go ask Jeb." says Jethro,
and again walks the 10 miles to the hills and back to town.
"Jeb says were gonna need about 40 of 'em"
Jethro tells the yardman.
"Now, how long will you need them?" asks the yardman.
"Well, I don't rightly know, I better go ask Jeb" says Jethro
and yet again walks the 10 miles to the hills and back to town.
Upon returning Jethro says to the yardman,
"Jeb says you better give 'em to us for a while
. . . we're gonna build a barn."
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Role reversal..............Counting sheep





Boudreaux and Tibadeaux, cajun friends them,
went in together and bought a huntin' dog.
Several weeks after the purchase,
the dog came down sick and stopped pointin' like she was supposed to.
They put her in their pickup and took her to the Vet,
who told them the dog was severely dehydrated,
which was causing the dog to not hunt properly.
While driving back from the Vet's office along the levee Boudreaux remarked,
"If all our dog needs is water, we can get lots of water for her right here in the bayou, us."
To this Tibadeaux replied,
"How we gonna get her to drink enough water from the bayou?"
Boudreaux says, "Well, I'll hold her head under the water,
and you go 'round and suck on her hind end like a big soda straw.
That will fill her up with all the water she needs, her."
They take their sick dog down to water's edge
and position themselves as Boudreaux suggested
and start the rescue procedure.
After a short while, the dog gets a severe stomach pain
and craps directly into Tibadeaux's mouth.
Tibadeaux comes up from the water, spittin', coughin' and yellin',
"Boudreaux! Pick up her head!
She's suckin' mud, "
------------------------------------------







stolen from Bits and Pieces



Posted by Phils Phun at 4:15 PM 3 comments

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

169






Big day out in the Garden of Eden

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stolen from Shelleys Snippets






What is one billion?
According to a recent government publication ...
A billion seconds ago Harry Truman was president.
A billion minutes ago was just after the time of Christ.
A billion hours ago man had not yet walked on earth.
A billion dollars ago was late yesterday at the U.S. Treasury.
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These are the free seats, for the tickets your mate gave you



Three women were sitting around talking about their sex lives.
The first said, "I think my husband's like a championship golfer.
He's spent the last ten years perfecting his stroke."
The second woman said, "My husband's like the winner of the Indy 500.
Every time we get into bed he gives me several hundred exciting laps."
The third woman was silent until she was asked,
"Tell us about your husband."
She thought for a moment and said,
"My husband's like an Olympic gold-medal-winning quarter-miler."
"How so?"
"He's got his time down to under 40 seconds."
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Fourth Marriage
A woman, married three times, walked into a bridal shop one day
and told the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her fourth wedding.
'Of course, madam,' replied the sales clerk,
'exactly what type and color are you looking for?'
The bride to be said: 'A long frilly white dress with a veil.'
The sales clerk hesitated a bit, then said,
'Please don't take this the wrong way,
but gowns of that nature are considered more appropriate for brides
who are being married the first time -
for those who are a bit more innocent, if you know what I mean?
Perhaps ivory or sky blue would be nice?'
'Well,' replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk's directness,
'I can assure you that a white gown would be quite appropriate.
Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as a first-time bride.
You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding,
he died as we were checking into our hotel.
My second husband and I got into such a terrible fight in the limo
on our way to our honeymoon that we had that wedding annulled
immediately and never spoke to each other again.
''What about your third husband?' asked the sales clerk.
'That one was a Democrat,' said the woman,
'and every night for four years,
he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was going to be,
but nothing ever happened.'
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stolen from Shelleys Snippets
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Cartoons
The wife is away ,so Ican post these












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THE HONDA PERSPECTIVE
Mr Honda, of the Honda Motor Corporation, died and went to heaven for judgement.
At the gates, St. Peter told Mr Honda,
"since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world,
your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."
Mr Honda thought about it for a minute and then said,
"I want to hang out with God. I have a question for Him".
St. Peter took Mr Honda to the Throne Room and introduced him to God.
He then asked God,
"Aren't you the inventor of women?"
God Said, "Ah, yes. Indeed I am".
"Well," said Mr Honda,
"Professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your design."
1- There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.
2- It chatters constantly at high speeds.
3- Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
4- The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust.
5- Plus the monthly down time and aggravation are outrageous,
and don't even get me started talking about the maintenance costs.
"Hmmmm, you do raise some good points" replied God,
"Lets have a wee look."
God went to his Celestial super computer, typed in a few things and waited for the results.
After a moment God said,
"Well, it may be true that my invention seems to be flawed,
but according to these numbers, more men ride my invention than yours.."
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This is one of those songs that didn't do much ,but had a great beat to it
Hey Baby ....DJ Otzi

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LIVERPOOL JOKES
Why does the River Mersey run through Liverpool?
Because if it walked it would be mugged.
Man walks into a shop in Liverpool:
Man: Can I have a pair of tights for my wife?
Shop Assistant: Certainly Sir, what size head are you?
What do you call a scouser in a suit?
The accused.
What do you call a scouser in a three-bed semi?
A burglar.
Why are scousers like laxative?
Because they irritate the shit out of you.
What's the difference between a battery a scouser?
Batteries have a positive side.
Why should you never throw beer cans at scousers?
Because if you look hard enough surely you can find some bottles.
Why do Scouse blokes have moustaches?
To look like their Mothers
Did you hear that this year had the coldest day in Liverpool since records began?
All the scousers kept their hands in their own pockets!
Did you know that Liverpool won the Greenest City award this year.
They recycle more car stereos than anyone else in the world
and the churches all have lead free roofs!
Why wasn't Jesus born in Merseyside?
Because God couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.
What should you do if you see a scouse jogging?
Trip him up and give the lady's purse back to her.
How do you make a scouse athlete run faster?
Stick a video player under his arm.
What's the difference between Batman and a Scouser?
Batman can go anywhere without Robin.
Three men, a Scouser, a Mancunian and a Jamaican all in the maternity ward waiting for their wives to give birth.
The midwife comes out and tells them congratulations,
they're all fathers of beautiful healthy boys,
however unfortunately they've run out of the name tags,
and the babies have been mixed up,
so if they could each go in and identify their sons from any family resemblance etc.
The Mancunian wants to go first, so in he goes and comes out with a black baby.
The Jamaican looks a bit confused, "excuse me", he said,
"but don't you think he's likely to be mine ?"
"Probably", said the Mancunian, "but one of them in there's a scouser,
and I'm takin' no chances !!!!!"
Two Scousers have just nicked a car and are checking it over to make sure that everything works before they use it to ram raid the off- licence.
One gets into the drivers seat and asks the other if the indicators work,
to which his mate replies
"Yes, it's working...oh shit, it's stopped...
no, it's OK...stopped again..."
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Picture taken at Liverpool airport

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Lesson for the day -- Human History:
Division of the human family into 2 distinct political groups began some 12,000 years ago. Humans existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunter/gatherers.
They lived on deer in the mountains in the summer &
would go to the beach & live on fish & lobster in winter.
The 2 most important events in all of history were the invention of beer &
the invention of the wheel.
The wheel was invented to get man to the beer.
These were the foundation of modern civilization
& together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into 2 distinct subgroups:
Liberals & Conservatives.
Once beer was discovered it required grain & that was the beginning of agriculture.
Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet,
so while our early human ancestors were sitting around waiting for them to be invented,
they just stayed close to the brewery.
That's how villages were formed.
Some men spent their days tracking & killing animals
to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer.
This was the beginning of what is known as "the Conservative movement."
Other men who were weaker & less skilled at hunting learned
to live off the conservatives by showing up for the
nightly B-B-Q's & doing the sewing, fetching & hair dressing.
This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.
Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women.
The rest became known as 'girleymen.'
Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats,
the invention of group therapy & group hugs
& the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat & beer
that conservatives provided.
Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest,
most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant.
Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.
Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added),
but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water.
They eat raw fish but like their beef well done.
Sushi, tofu, & French food are standard liberal fare.
Another interesting revolutionary side note:
most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men.
Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood
& group therapists are liberals.
Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't "fair"
to make the pitcher also bat.
Conservatives drink domestic beer.
They eat red meat & still provide for their women.
Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives,
soldiers, athletes & generally anyone who works productively outside government. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives
who want to work for a living.
Liberals produce little or nothing.
They like to "govern" the producers & decide what to do with the production.
Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans.
That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe
when conservatives were coming to America.
They crept in after the Wild West was tame & created a business
of trying to get MORE for nothing.
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Posted by Phils Phun at 6:10 PM 1 comments

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