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It didn't take long
Tiger Woods is so rich that he owns lots of expensive cars.
Now he has a hole in one.
What’s the difference between a car and a golf ball?
Tiger can drive a ball 400 yards.
It’s really not that surprising.
Everyone knows driving is the worst part of his game.
Tiger Woods wasn’t seriously injured in the crash,
but he’s still below par.
What were Tiger Woods and his wife doing out at 2.30 in the morning?
They went clubbing.
Tiger Woods crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree
.He couldn’t decide between a wood and an iron.
.What do a golf ball and an SUV have in common?
Tiger Woods drives both into trees on occasion
.Hollywood is making a film based on this incident:
Crouching Tiger, Hidden Hydrant.
What’s the difference between Tiger’s Cadillac and his pitching wedge?
He can back up his pitching wedge!

stolen from....Miss Cellania

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Bear Funnies

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This video will have you on the edge of your seat for 3 minutes

stolen from... Xtreme Quips

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Blonde Password
During a recent password audit,

it was found that a blonde was using the following password:
MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento
When asked why such a long password,

she said she was told that it had
to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.

thanks Liz Z

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Amazing picture of Canadian ice breaker at work


Damned tough, those Canucks

thanks Don H

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stolen from.....amyoops

By the time you read through this

YOU WILL UNDERSTAND "TENJOOBERRYMUDS"...

In order to continue getting-by we may all need to learn the NEW English language!

Practice by reading the following conversation until

you are able to understand the term "TENJOOBERRYMUDS"

With a little patience, you'll be able to fit right in.

Now, here goes...

The following is a telephone exchange between maybe you as a hotel guest

and call room-service somewhere in the good old USA today......

Room Service : "Morrin. Roon sirbees."

Guest : "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."

Room Service: " Rye . Roon sirbees...morrin! Joowish to oddor sunteen???"

Guest: "Uh..... Yes, I'd like to order bacon and eggs."

Room Service: "Ow July den?"

Guest: ".....What??"

Room Service: "Ow July den?!?... pryed, boyud, poochd?"

Guest: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry.. scrambled, please."

Room Service: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?"

Guest: "Crisp will be fine."

Room Service: "Hokay. An Sahn toes?"

Guest: "What?"

Room Service: "An toes. July Sahn toes?"

Guest: "I... don't think so."

RoomService: "No? Judo wan sahn toes???"

Guest: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sahn toes' means."

RoomService: "Toes! Toes!...Why Joo don Juan toes?

Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?"

Guest: "Oh, English muffin! !! I've got it! You were saying 'toast'...

Fine....Yes, an English muffin will be fine."

RoomService: "We bodder?"

Guest: "No, just put the bodder on the side."

RoomService: "Wad?!?"

Guest: "I mean butter... just put the butter on the side."

RoomService: "Copy?"

Guest: "Excuse me?"

RoomService: "Copy...tea..meel?"

Guest: "Yes. Coffee, please... and that's everything."

RoomService: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin,

we bodder on sigh and copy ... rye??"

Guest: "Whatever you say."

RoomService: "Tenjooberrymuds."

Guest: "You're welcome"

Remember I said "By the time you read through this

YOU WILL UNDERSTAND 'TENJOOBERRYMUDS'.....

and you do, don't you!

thanks Joan A

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Lateral thinking

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thanks Wayne W

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Paul Young

Listen to the lyrics


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Filling For Patent
I went to the Patent Office trying to register some of my inventions.

I went to the main desk to sign in and the lady at the desk had a form

that had to be filled out.

She wrote down my personal info

and then asked me what I had invented.

I said, "A folding bottle."

She said, "Okay. What do you call it?"

"A Fottle."

"What else do you have?"

"A folding carton."

"What do you call it?"

"A Farton."

She sniggered and said,

"Those are silly names for products and one of them sounds kind of crude."

I was so upset by her comment that I grabbed the form

and left the office without even telling her about my folding bucket.

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The Jewish Hypnotist
Mrs. Cohen came home from her Sisterhood meeting at the synagogue.

She was very excited,

and explained to her husband that the guest at the meeting

had been a wonderful hypnotist.
Mr. Cohen then mentioned that attendance was down at the Saturday services.

Maybe they should hire the hypnotist to bring in a crowd.

He talked it over with the rabbi, who thought it was a terrific idea.
After lots of publicizing, the synagogue was filled for the Sabbath service.
The hypnotist withdrew a pocket watch.
As the crowd observed, mesmerized, the hypnotist began,

"Vatch the vatch. Vatch the vatch. Vatch the vatch."
The congregants carefully observed,

their eyes following the sway of the watch.
"Vatch the vatch," the hypnotist continued.
Then, accidentally, the watch fell out of his hand.
"Crap!" he exclaimed!
It took them three weeks to clean up the synagogue.

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It doesn't get much better than this


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yeah, right!!!


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Naughty Joke

Do not read if you are easily offended
Three black ladies are getting ready to take aplane trip for the first time.

The first lady said, 'I don't know bout y'awlbut I'm gunna

wear me sum hot pink panties beefo Igets on dat plane.

''Why you gonna wear dem fo?' the other two asked.

The first replied, 'Cause, if dat plane goes down

andI'm out dare laying butt-up in a conefield, dey gonnafind me first.'

The second lady said,

'Well, I'm a-gonna wear mesome floe-esant orange panties.'

'Why you gonna wear dem?' the others asked.

The second lady answered, 'Cause if dis hare plane isgoin' down

and I be floating butt-up in the oshun, deycan see me first.'

The third lady says, 'Well, I'm not gonna wear anypanties....

.''What? No panties?' the others asked in disbelief.

The third lady says,

'Dat's right girlfriends,you hears me right.

I ain't wearin' any panties,cause if dis plane goes down, honey,

dey always look fo da blackbox first.'

thanks Don H


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PHILS PHILOSOPHY

Random Thoughts

I'm almost as smart as my phone.

Some dress for success. I dress for recess.

I believe in sacrifices. Can I start with you?

Lawyers: the world's 2nd oldest profession.

I'm not procrastinating until tomorrow.

Patience might be a virtue, but flipping someone off feels better.

If idiots grew on trees, this place would be a friggin' orchard.

I've seen the future and I'm going back to bed.

Diplomacy: the art of telling someone to go to hell,

and having them look forward to the trip.

Lead me not into temptation. I have my own GPS

.Looking for love. (Will settle for green jelly beans.)

I haven't had my coffee yet. Don't make me kill you.

Everything I say is fully substantiated by my own opinion.

If I were you, I'd wanna be me.

I'm not aging, I'm fermenting.

My food pyramid is made from beer cans.

Hybrid human ... Runs on beer.

Yes, beer qualifies as an appetizer.

Hard times call for hard liquor.

Wine improves with age. I improve with wine.

stolen from Hale@......It occurred to me



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are understood to be in the public domain.

If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,

please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.