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Aussie Jingle Bells

Dashing through the bush

In a rusty Holden Ute

Kicking up the dust

Esky in the boot

Kelpie by my side

Singing Christmas songs

It's summer time and I am in My singlet, shorts & thongs

CHORUS: OH, JINGLE BELLS, JINGLE BELLS

JINGLE ALL THE WAY

CHRISTMAS IN AUSTRALIA

ON A SCORCHING SUMMER'S DAY

JINGLE BELLS, JINGLE BELLS

CHRISTMAS TIME IS BEAUT

OH WHAT FUN IT IS TO RIDE IN A RUSTY HOLDEN UTE

Engine's getting hot

Dodge the kangaroos

Swaggy climbs aboard

He is welcome too

All the family is there

Sitting by the pool

Christmas day, the Aussie way

By the barbecue!

CHORUS

Come the afternoon Grandpa has a doze

The kids and uncle Bruce Are swimming in their clothes

The time comes round to go

We take a family snap

Then pack the car and all shoot through

Before the washing up

CHORUS
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Health Insurance

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On a bitterly cold winter's morning , a husband and wife in Dublin

were listening to the radio during breakfast...

They heard the announcer say,

"We are expecting 8 to 10 inches of snow today.

You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street

so the snowplows can get through."

So the good wife went out and moved her car.

A week later while eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said,

" We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today.

You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street

so the snowplows can get through."

The good wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week they are having breakfast again when the radio announcer says,

" We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today.

You must park...."

Then the electric power went out.

The good wife was very upset

and with a worried look on her face she said,

" I dont know what to do.

What side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"

Then with the love and understanding in his voice

that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied,

" Why don't you just leave the bloody car in the garage this time."

thanks Wayne W

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Tiger Woods

Thanks to all those who sent me the following two pictures

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True Handicap....................
This is why you shouldn't lie about your handicap!

A businessman was attending a conference in Africa.

He had a free day and wanted to play a round of golf

and was directed to a golf course in the nearby jungle.

After a short journey, he arrived at the course and asked the pro if he could get on.

"Sure," said the Pro, "What's your handicap?"

Not wanting to admit that he had an 18 handicap, he decided to cut it a bit.

"Well, its 16," said the businessman,

"But what's the relevance since I'll be playing alone?"

"It's very important for us to know," said the pro, who then called a caddy.

"Go out with this gentleman," said the pro, "his handicap is 16."

The businessman was very surprised at this constant reference to his handicap.

The caddy picked up the businessman's bag and a large rifle;

again the businessman was surprised but decided to ask no questions.

They arrived on the 1st hole, a par 4.

"Please avoid those trees on the left," said the caddy.

Needless to say, the businessman duck-hooked his ball into the trees.

He found his ball and was about to punch it out

when he heard the loud crack of the rifle

and a large snake fell dead from a tree above his head.

The caddy stood next to him with the rifle smoking in his hand.

"That's the mamba, the most poisonous snake in all Africa.

You're lucky I was here with you."

After taking a bogey, they moved to the 2nd hole, a par 5

."Avoid those bushes on the right," says the caddy.

Of course, the businessman's ball went straight into the bushes.

As he went to pick up his ball, he heard the loud crack of the caddy's rifle once more,

and a huge lion fell dead at his feet.

"I've saved your life again," said the caddy.

The 3rd hole was a par 3 with a lake in front of the green.

The businessman's ball came up just short of the green

and rolled back to the edge of the water.

To take a shot, he had to stand with one foot in the lake.

As he was about to swing, a large crocodile emerged from the water

and bit off much of his right leg.

As he fell to the ground bleeding and in great pain,

he saw the caddy with the rifle propped at his side, looking on unconcernedly.

"Why didn't you kill it?" asked the man incredulously

."I'm sorry, sir," said the caddy,

"this is the 17th handicap hole. You don't get a shot here."

That's why you never lie about your handicap

thanks Don H

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Watch out for bunkers

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Book Report

Students at a local school were assigned to read 2 books -

'Titanic' and 'My Life' by Bill Clinton.

One student turned in the following book report,

with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories!

His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report.

Titanic:.... Cost - $29.99

Clinton :...... Cost - $29.99

Titanic:..... Over 3 hours to read

Clinton:... Over 3 hours to read

Titanic:..... The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love,

and subsequent catastrophe.

Clinton :.... The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love,

and subsequent catastrophe.

Titanic:..... Jack is a starving artist

.Clinton :...... Bill is a bullshit artist.

Titanic:.... In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.

Clinton :.... Ditto for Bill.

Titanic:..... During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.

Clinton :....... Ditto for Monica.

Titanic:...... Jack teaches Rose to spit.

Clinton :... Let's not go there.

Titanic:..... Rose gets to keep her jewelry.

Clinton :.... Monica' s forced to return her gifts.

Titanic:..... Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.

Clinton:..... Clinton doesn't remember Jack.

Titanic:..... Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.

Clinton :....... Monica.. Ooh, let's not go there, either.

Titanic:..... Jack surrenders to an icy death.

Clinton :..... Bill goes home to Hillary - basically the same thing

Thanks Don H

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This week we celebrate a special birthday

Monica Lewinsky turns 44.
Can you believe it?
It seems like only yesterday she was crawling

around the White House on her hands and knees,

putting everything in her mouth.
They grow up so fast, don't they?

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Way out West


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Lateral thinking

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Thanks Wayne W
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Traffic lights needed!!!!

BEAR STORY

The Pope took a couple of days off to visit the rugged mountains

of Alaska for some sightseeing.

He was cruising along the campground in the Pope Mobile

when there was a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods.

A helpless Democrat, wearing sandals, shorts, a 'Vote for Obama' hat

and a 'Save the Trees' t-shirt, was screaming while struggling frantically

and thrashing around trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly.

As the Pope watched in horror,

a group of Republican loggers with 'Go Sarah' t-Shirts came racing up.

One quickly fired a 44 magnum into the bear's chest.

The other two reached up and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious Democrat

from the bear's grasp.

Then using long clubs, the three loggers finished off the bear

and two of them threw it onto the bed of their truck

while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.

As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come over.

'I give you my blessing for your brave actions!' he told them.

'I heard there was a bitter hatred between Republican loggers

and Democratic environmental activists,

but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true.

As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies, who was that guy?

'It was the Pope,' another replied.

'He's in direct contact with Heaven and has access to all wisdom.'

'Well,' the logger said, 'he may have access to all wisdom,

but he doesn't know squat about bear hunting!

By the way, is the bait still alive,

or do we need to go back to Massachusetts and get another one?'


thanks Liz Z


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Blogging

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Aussie 1970's Group

Blackfeather



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thanks Liz Z

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The men of Charlie Company had been in the field for two weeks when the Sarge announces, “I’ve got good news and bad news. First the good news.

Today we’re going to change our underwear.”
The troops start cheering wildly.
“Now the bad news,” continues the Sarge.

“Smith, you change with Jones. Andrews, you change with Murphy…”


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Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers.

However, all the league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire.

Thus we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.


A husband with little English struggled to explain

that his wife could not have children,

saying 'she is unbearable'.

Getting a blank stare he tried:

'she is impregnable'.

Then finally he figured he had it:

'she is inconceivable!'


A policeman accidentally arrested a judge

who had dressed as a convict for a costume party -

that cop learned never to book a judge by his cover.


A scientist doing a large experiment with liquid chemicals

was trying to solve a problem

when he fell in and became part of the solution.


I like European food so I decided to Russia over there because I was Hungary.

After Czech'ing the menu I ordered Turkey.

When I was Finnished I told the waiter

'Spain good but there is Norway I could eat another bite'.

The cannibal's cookbook titled 'How to Better Serve your Fellow Man'

was written by a guy who had a wife and ate kids.

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An Indian Mystery revealed

Finally someone has cleared this up for me...

For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads.

Most of us have naively thought this was connected with marriage or religion,

but the Indian High Commission in Canberra has recently revealed the true story.

When a Hindu woman gets married,

she brings a dowry into the union.

On her wedding night,

the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won:-

A - Taxi licence in Adelaide

B - Convenience store in Melbourne

C- Service station in Perth,

D- Kebab shop in Brisbane

E- Take away cafe in Sydney

If there is nothing there,

he must take a job in India answering telephones giving technical advice

to Telstra and Optus customers in Australia.

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These are entries to a Washington Post competition

asking for a two line rhyme with the most romantic first line,

and the least romantic second line:

1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you has screwed up my life.

2. I see your face when I am dreaming.
That’s why I always wake up screaming.

3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.

4. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you ’cause I was pissed.

5. I thought that I could love no other
– that is until I met your brother.

6. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead,

the sugar bowl’s empty and so is your head.

7. I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don’t take that paper bag off your face.

8. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Damn, I’m good at telling lies!

9. My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

10. My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe ‘Go to hell.’

11. What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.

Who said poetry is boring !!!
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PHILS PHILOSOPHY

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are understood to be in the public domain.

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please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.